Succubus Dreams

"Things change," he said bluntly. He met my eyes, and I again saw warring sides within him. "And back then, I thought I was the one who would get hurt, not you. I can handle it."

"Are you saying I can't?"

"I'm saying I don't want to find out. And honestly, it's not even about sex either. We've got communication problems, time problems…I don't know. Hell, we have death problems. I don't really know if we should keep doing this."

It felt like Joel's death again, like all the energy was being sucked away from me.

"How," I demanded, "can you always lecture me about open communication and then dump this on me now? If you were feeling all this…you should have brought it up beforehand, not in some bluff break-up at the zero hour."

"I'm not entirely sure what that last part meant, but I'm not bluffing. And I've tried to talk to you about this. I tried the night you massaged me—you didn't want to hear it." Seth took a deep breath. "Georgina…I really mean it. I don't think we should be together anymore."

I gaped. No, this wasn't right. This wasn't right at all. I'd expected a big fight, one we'd eventually get over, like always. I'd expected him to ask for forgiveness. I'd expected to set new boundaries in the relationship. I'd expected me to be the one to have the high ground and decide if we were going to continue this.

I hadn't expected to be pleading.

"No. No. Seth…we've just got to make it work. Look, I'll get over Maddie, okay? And if you want to sleep with other women…I mean, it is okay. I always said you could. It's just this first time…well, it's a shock, that's all." He just continued to watch me quietly, and I found myself babbling on more and more. "But we can make it work. We always do. We'll find a way. You can't just go ahead and decide something like this on your own. There are two of us in this, you know."

"Yeah," he said. "I do know. And I'm one of the two. And I want to split up."

"No," I said frantically. "You don't want to. This is just some weird…I don't know. You don't mean it."

Seth's silence was more infuriating than if he'd shouted back at me. He just kept watching me, letting me talk. His expression had so much regret—but so much determination too.

"You were the one who told me we could overcome anything," I cried. "Why not this?"

"Because it's too late."

"It can't be. If you do this…it's all for nothing…you'll have ended up hurting me. Me and Maddie both."

"It's a small hurt compared to what could really happen," he said. "And as for Maddie…I don't plan on hurting her. I…I like her."

"But you love me."

"Yeah, I do. I probably always will. But maybe that's not enough. I have to move on. We can't do this. I think maybe…I don't know. I think something good could happen with me and Maddie. In some ways, she's like you, only—"

Seth had started to slip into the rambling he sometimes did when nervous enough. He bit his lip now, as though he might summon the words back, and looked away.

"Only what?" I asked. I could barely hear my own voice.

He turned his gaze back to me, firm and unflinching. "Only…more human."

And that was it. All the anger and sorrow vanished. There was nothing in me. Nothing at all. I was empty.

"Get out," I said.

He paled. Something in my voice and expression must have been truly terrifying. Tentatively, he extended a hand.

"I never meant to hurt you. Thetis, I'm sorr—"

"Don't ever call me that again," I told him, stepping away. I didn't know how any of these words were coming out of my mouth. It was like someone else was controlling me. "Leave. Now."

He opened his mouth, and I thought all that resolve he'd just shown might crumble. In the end, it didn't.

He left.

CHAPTER 25

I'd sworn I'd never go back into my bedroom, but just then, I needed my bed. I spent the rest of the day in it, curled up in the proverbial fetal position. Much like when I'd made Seth leave, I didn't feel anything. I was dead inside. There was nothing left, nothing in my life, nothing to keep me going. Some wise part of my brain said I should cry. I knew there was grief inside of me, grief that would eventually explode. But I was blocking it for now, afraid to acknowledge that all of this was real or face the consequences. This, I realized, was why Yasmine had screamed. It was a terrible thing to be cut off from something you loved so much. To be cut off from the thing that gave your existence meaning.

Hours passed, and light and shadows moved across my bedroom as the sun began its descent. My room grew dark, but I didn't bother flipping on the lights. I didn't have the energy or motivation.

I don't know how much time passed before I heard the knock. At first, I wasn't even sure that's what it was. Then, it sounded again—definitely someone knocking on my front door. I stayed in bed, not wanting to see or talk to anyone. What if it's Seth? Some small part of me clung to that hope, that maybe he'd changed his mind. The rest of me didn't believe it. I'd seen the look in his eyes. The resolve. He wasn't coming back. And if he wasn't coming back, then there was no point in being social.

My visitor knocked a third time, louder still. Beside me, Aubrey turned her head toward the living room, then toward me, no doubt wondering why I wouldn't put a stop to the noise. With a sigh, I crawled out of bed and stalked toward the front of the apartment. Half-way there, I stopped. It wasn't Seth.

"Georgina!" wailed a twangy soprano voice. "I know you're in there. I can sense you." I'd sensed Tawny too, of course, which is why I'd stopped walking. I sighed again, wondering if it would be possible to ignore her. Probably not. Even if I didn't answer, she'd probably stand out there all day, now that she knew I was here.

I opened the door, expecting to be barreled into with tears and fanfare. Instead, I found Tawny standing calmly outside my door, hesitant to enter. Her eyes were wet after all, but she seemed to be trying very hard to rein herself in. The trembling of her lip suggested that wasn't going to be easy.

And she had a glow.

"C-can I come in?" she asked.

I stepped to the side and waved her in. "You want me to take you out for a drink to celebrate your conquest?"

That was it. She lost it. Sobbing into her hands, she sank down on to my loveseat. Still numbed from the Seth fallout, I had no mental energy to deal with this. Not enough energy to hate her, not enough energy to pity her. I was living apathy.

"Tawny, I—"

"I'm sorry!" she interrupted. "I'm so, so sorry. I didn't want to. I didn't want to do it. But he told me if I did that it'd pay off for both of us, that he'd pull strings to get me faster advancement and that I'd—"

"Whoa, hang on," I said. "Who's ‘he'? Niphon?"

She nodded and produced a pack of tissues from her purse. At least she traveled prepared now. She blew her nose loudly before going on. "He told me to fake it—fake being bad. I mean…well, actually, I am kind of bad. Okay, a lot bad. I can't flirt like you. And I really can't dance." She paused a moment, as though this caused her particular pain. "But you were right in saying it was impossible for me to not get sex from someone. I did. I just lied and said I couldn't."

It was just as I'd suspected for a while now, but hearing her confirm it didn't really cheer me up. It was yet another reminder of all the miserable things in my life these last couple of weeks. Staring at her, I still couldn't bring myself to feel angry at her. Partially because I was still drained of feeling and partially because it just wasn't worth it. Niphon had used her to play me, but he'd played her too.

"You're a good liar," I told her finally. "I could never be sure if you were telling the truth or not—but you seemed to be. I'm usually good at reading people."