Myth-Gotten Gains

"Who's there?" he demanded. "Come on, who has come to visit Buirnie of the Golden Voice?"

"Buirnie of the Colossal Ego, you mean," Asti said, in a long-suffering voice.

"Asti? Asti, is that you? I thought I felt a disturbance in the Force. How the peep are you?"

"And me, dear," Kelsa spoke up. "And Ersatz."

Little round emeralds at the top of the Flute above the embouchure widened into large emeralds. "Well, this IS a surprise! I thought that the next time we all met would be one of the signs of the Final Apocalypse!"

"Nothing that spectacular, I hope," Asti said.

"Tell me all about it! I love surprises, especially when they aren't fatal ones!" Buirnie let out a high pitched chuckle.

This was some kind of signal, because the Elbans in the room broke out into hysterical giggles. He let out a sharp whistle, and they stopped, all glancing at one another nervously. Hangers on. Sycophants.

"Not fatal, you silly bird-call, but important."

"Can we talk in private?" I said, trying to wrest control of the conversation back from the Cup.

"Clear the way, folks, clear the way!" Buirnie exclaimed. "Make way for my oldest and dearest friends! And a few new ones," he said, eying Tananda, Calypsa and me warily. "Sit down, sit down. The rest of you come back when I whistle!"

The Elban attendants hustled out, but the two Trolls remained. They stepped forward to flank the velvet pillow. When everyone else was gone, the emeralds turned toward me.

"So, the band is getting back together!" Buirnie said, with a jovial, easy attitude that I didn't buy for one minute. "You have a masterful air about you, big fellah. You tell me what's

going on. To what do I owe the honor of this visit? Do I owe any of you money?" Buirnie broke into nervous laughter. The drum on the floor next to him rolled a rim shot. "Hey, thanks, Zildie!"

"I'm just the brains of this operation, but the one I want you to listen to is the ski

"Sit down, lovely child," Buirnie said hospitably. She looked at me for clarification. I signed to her to sit down on the hassock beside the raised cushion. "Klik, widen the beam so it illuminates both of us, will you?"

"Gotcha, boss!" A voice came from overhead. I glanced upward. The brilliant light which was focused upon the Flute hopped from one part of the ceiling to another, and the glare increased. "How's that?"

"Great!" Buirnie said. "Calypsa, is it? You're a pretty little gal, aren't you? Will you have some wine?" He let out a sharp whistle, three brief blasts. A tall Elban female came rushing in with a tray, smiling shyly at us. "Now, what can Buirnie the Great do for you?"

"Tell him your story," I said.

Calypsa took a deep breath. "It all began ten years ago...."

"How about some sweetmeats?" Buirnie hadn't listened to a word. He tootled a trill. Another Elban hurried behind her, pushing a wheeled tray. "These are the best cocoriddle waffles in the city. Or so I'm told. I don't eat them myself, of course."

"No, thanks," I said. I turned both females around and hustled them back out, and locked the door behind them to prevent any more interruptions. I signed to Tananda. Our disguises dropped. The Fife's emerald eyes went wider than before.

"You're not from around here, are you? A Trollop, a Walt and a Per...Pervect. Don't hurt me, please. I give pleasure to millions!"

The Trolls stepped closer, folding their meaty arms across their chests.

"We're not here to hurt you," I said. "We need your help. Okay, kid," I told Calypsa. "Talk."

She tried. Buirnie was too nervous to be a good listener. He kept interrupting with offers of hospitality, comments on the weather, compliments to us, and musical interludes. In the end she got it all out.

"So I appeal to you," she concluded, "honored Buirnie. Join me and help set my grandfather free of the terrible wizard's chains before the time runs out!"

"What an awful situation! I can see why my brother and sister Hoarders are involved. And these fine people are helping you, too? That's very noble of them," the Flute said. "Not so noble," Asti burst out. "Rewards are involved."

"That's not uncommon," Buirnie chided her. "They're only mortal, after all. No offense!" he added, as I rose from my seat with intent.

"Let's get to the point," I said. "She needs the entire Golden Hoard, and that means you, too. What about it? We've got three more treasures to look up after you."

The Fife turned to Calypsa. "Little gal, I feel for you. I know how much your grandfather means to you, but I really have too much to do to come on another quest at the moment."

"Buirnie!" Ersatz chided him.

"Ersatz, I am serious. You wouldn't kick loose from the middle of a war to go bounding off to another battle, would you?"

"No..."

"Then you will understand why I can't leave. I have obligations here. Very important ones."

"Ones that make you feel important, you mean," Kelsa said.

"Naturally, sweet thing!" Buirnie said.

"But my grandfather's life is at stake here!" Calypsa said, wringing her hands together. "This is important."

Buirnie let out a whistling sigh. "That, little lady, is what they all say. Sorry."

"I'll do anything if you will come with me!"

"Anything?" Buirnie asked, on a rising note of interest.

"Within reason," I said, firmly. "You're not going to pull any fu

"You bet. I would never ask this little lady to do anything that might make her uncomfortable. Let's make it a fair contest," Buirnie said, clearly not liking the expression on my face. "Well, then, I've got a proposition for you. I'm sponsoring a contest in which I am looking for the very best singer on Elb."

"What's it called?" Calypsa asked eagerly.

"It's called The Very Best Singer on Elb. I named it myself," Buirnie said proudly. "I host it every year, in several different dimensions. Maybe you've seen me on the crystal network?"

"Oh, I have," Kelsa said. "The last one on Calliope who won, I thought she wasn't quite as good as the second place, though somehow the audience voted for her..."

"Not now," I said, cutting her off. "We're talking business."

"Oh, very well, but she wasn't as good!" Kelsa subsided, blinking at me from behind her glasses.

"Nobody cares," I said, curtly. I turned back to the Flute. "What's this proposition?"

"It's perfectly simple," Buirnie said. "I'll play you for my cooperation."

"But that isn't fair," Calypsa said. "I am a dancer, not a singer."

Buirnie shuddered. "Neither are most of the people who enter the contest. But, it's my challenge. If you really want my help, you'll rise to the occasion. Come up on stage with me tonight. If you enter the contest—and you win—I'll come with you now, and abandon my other obligations to help save your grandfather. What do you say?"

What choice did we have?

Buirnie had the Trolls escort us out of his dressing room and down under the stage into a huge chamber that had all the

charm of the dungeon in Mernge. Its rough stone walls had been lined with mirrors and clothes racks where all the other contestants were getting ready for the contest. I had Tananda restore our disguises. I didn't want to scare the locals. Besides, Calypsa was so nervous that her feet did the flamenco all the way down the stairs.

"I don't even speak the language!" Calypsa wailed. "How can I please such an audience? Woe to the House of Calypso, that it should be reduced to a singing contest to save itself!"

"Since when did you ever have stage fright?" I asked her.

"Fear not, child," Ersatz said, soothingly. "Be valiant and do your best. All will come out well."