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CHAPTER TEN
I COUNTED FOUR TIMES where my concussion almost claimed me.
Four times while I was touching, kissing, and making love to Gem when I almost lost my grip on this reality and slipped into another. The whiteness lingered on my vision as I’d sunk inside her. The sickness had remained as I’d fought vertigo and a pounding headache as I’d clung to the woman I was in love with and orgasmed.
The sex between us had been different to anything I’d ever had.
It’d been fierce and intense but also languid and soft.
I felt both satisfied and complete instead of punished and empty.
Coming inside her had been the hardest part. The ricochet of pleasure had boomeranged back on me, making me blind. Images of my family came and went. Memories that no longer held me prisoner but chose that moment to show me just how different my life was now.
Just how lucky I was to have found happiness.
Fuck...in that rhythmic clenching of my release, I’d been happy for the first time in my life. I’d been blissful. I’d become addicted to it in a single second, fumbling to hold onto Gem as my ears rang, my head throbbed, and my body threatened to shut down like before.
But Gem’s sharp inhale, the tang of her fear as she waited for me to drop unconscious on top of her—possibly to wake up with no memory of this incredible milestone we’d shared—kept me awake.
I used everything I had.
I denied my headache.
I refused the nightmares.
And I stayed.
I...stayed.
Glancing down, I ran my fingers over my naked midriff. My fingers danced over silver scars and age-smoothed wounds, so fucking grateful that Jareth had found the key to Parable. Finally, it was off. Finally, Gemma was free, and...I’m free.
Truly free this time.
Free in my mind as well as my body.
Gemma interrupted my epiphanies as she tossed off the blankets and climbed out of bed. The flash of her naked skin, rosy nipples, and stu
“You’re so beautiful,” I whispered, dropping my hands to the blankets in my lap. My fingers itched to touch her and myself. Christ, I couldn’t describe how it’d felt touching myself. Skin to skin. Bringing pleasure instead of horror.
I’d tried to make myself come while looking down at her. I’d had full intentions of giving her a release, then granting her a pearl necklace, but the longer I kept stroking, the more I’d struggled to ignore the howls, screeches, and commands inside my head.
I’d gone as far as I could.
I still had a long way to go.
But tonight had been...good.
Gemma had been safe, I’d been happy, and Jareth...well, he’d been the reason I’d had the balls to do any of it.
Having him in the house allowed me to push the boundaries I’d put inside my head. I trusted him to keep me in line if I passed out and didn’t remember. I knew he’d protect Gem from me because he knew how much she meant to me.
Gem cleared her throat, her eyes drinking in my nakedness as I pushed away the blanket and stood, joining her on the other side of the bed. I glanced back at the same mattress where my blood had been smeared and my screams had been enjoyed, shuddering as ghosts came and went.
“That’s it, Kas, beg while we cut—”
Gritting my teeth, I pushed the memory away. I didn’t shut it down. I didn’t swallow it deep. I just...shoved it away. It might come back to haunt me at a different time. It was free to come and go as it wanted, but for now, it vanished and left me in peace.
“You okay?” she asked gently, touching my elbow with kind fingers.
I nodded. “I will be.”
She smiled. “Do you think we should go and make sure Jareth isn’t eating all our supplies?”
I gri
She laughed under her breath. “Do you mind if I take a quick shower first?”
“Of course.” I took her hand. “I’ll join you.”
“Oh?” Her eyebrows rose, a glint sparkling in her gaze. “Round two?”
“As much as I want to take you up on that offer, I don’t know if I’d be able to stay with you a second time.”
She flinched a little in commiseration. “Was it hard? Fighting your body’s reaction to shut down?”
“It was.” I licked my bottom lip. “But it was also easy because I had you to focus on.”
“And the bourbon probably helped.”
I chuckled. “A few drinks probably helped me jerk off, but it was you who kept me present and not lost in my mind.”
“I hope you don’t find this condescending, but...I’m proud of you.” She blushed. “I’m begi
I shrugged. “I don’t know if it’s truly that simple, but for tonight...I feel like I’ve won against something I’ve been fighting against for a very long time. I didn’t have a reason to choose before, but now I do. I can’t promise I won’t have setbacks, and I’m almost positive I still have a shit ton of healing to do, but...no matter how bad it gets, I promise I will always choose to keep trying. I’m done being trapped. I no longer want to give up.”
“I’ll be there with you every step.”
“And that is the reason I’ll be okay...because I have you.” Raising her hand to my mouth, I kissed her knuckles as we stepped into the same bathroom where she’d gotten on her knees and begged me to leave her in privacy. Memories of that night came swift and thick. Of her jerking me off. Of her watching me with pity instead of fear.
Even then...even when I’d been the worst to her, she’d always seen the best in me.
Whipping her around, I dragged her into my arms. “I’ve done so much I can never take back.” I kissed her shoulder, inhaling her papaya-laced skin. “I’ll never forgive myself for doing to you what was done to me, but I need you to know I love you. I love you with every fucking piece of me, and I’m going to do my best to—”
“Hush.” Gem pulled back, cupping my cheeks with trembling hands. “We’re together now. We’re happy...at least, I am.” She searched my stare. “Are you? This isn’t too much? Too fast? Too—”
“It’s what has to happen. I’m ready to be pushed. I want to be. And in answer to your question...” I hoped she saw the truth in my eyes. The honesty that filled me up to the brim. “I am.” I smiled so big and true, it hurt my cheeks. It felt foreign and scary but also new and exciting. “I am happy. I’ve never been happier than I am right now, here with you.”
“Good.” She stood on her tiptoes and kissed me. “That makes two of us.”
I kissed her back, dragging her into the shower. “I’m also tired and hungry and sick of this damn headache, but for now...I’m basking in whatever magic you’ve cast over me.”
She gri
“Wait till the pipes freeze. Then you’ll know what cold feels like. It’s so painful it burns.”
Her face fell a little as I ducked under the arctic rain and drenched my long hair. My chest constricted with the cold, but I forced myself to stay under, getting wet. Once sufficiently soaked, I stepped away and grabbed the soap bar. “Your turn.”
She nodded, but the pensive look on her face didn’t fade. Holding her breath with a tortured moan, she ducked under the spray, tipping her head back and getting thoroughly covered.
Joining me at the back of the large tiled shower, she waited while I lathered the soap over my body, her gaze lingering on my cock as bubbles formed and rinsed away what we’d done together.
“What?” I asked, foaming more bubbles in my hands and reaching out to cover her shoulders.
She flinched but then relaxed into my touch, turning around for me to massage down her spine, over her ass, and down her legs. Sighing, she murmured, “We don’t have to stay.”
I stiffened but swept back up her body, dragging the soap with me. Turning her around, I repeated down her front, fondling her breasts longer than necessary, cupping between her legs before ducking down to her toes.
I took my time answering.
Just because I finally saw a splinter of light in my perpetually dark world didn’t mean I was mentally ready for more. Jareth was here now. He’d stay until I was “cured” enough to deal with company.
“I know I literally just said I needed to be pushed, but...I can’t leave, Gem.” I swallowed, giving her something I didn’t think was possible. “Not yet at least.”
She froze, her gaze shooting to mine. “Wait. You’re saying...maybe? Sometime in the future, you’ll consider coming home with me?”
Anger flared. “This is your home now.” I tried to soften my words. “I mean...I wanted you to leave. Two nights ago, I was prepared to march you to the cliff myself.”
She chewed on the inside of her cheek. “Yes, but—”
“If you want to go...then you should go. I’ll walk you back to your Jeep and help you find your keys.” I squeezed the back of my neck. “But I can’t leave...not yet. I’m still not...stable.” I winced. “I know tonight might’ve given you false hope. Made you believe that I’ve taken the biggest step toward recovery, but...you’re right that the alcohol definitely helped. Jareth helped too. And of course, you are the most help of all, but I can’t promise I’ll be able to stay strong against my tendency to shut down if I don’t stay somewhere familiar.”
“You’re not giving yourself enough credit.”
“And you’re giving me too much.” I pushed her back under the water, helping her rinse. When she was clean and could breathe again, she ran her hands over her face, waiting for me to duck beneath the icy water.
Once all the soap was washed away, I turned off the tap and climbed out of the shower, tossing one towel to Gem and grabbing one for myself. She shivered with that reserved look still in her gaze.
Temper curled through my post-sex glow, making me a little pissed off. No matter how good tonight had been between us, she still didn’t want to stay.
But I’m not ready to go.
So where the fuck does that leave us?
I sniffed. “Look, let’s talk about this some other time.”
“Some other time being a year from now? A decade from now?” She wrapped her hair up in her towel, wringing out the water. The look on her face was tight and threatening. “We can’t hide here forever, Kas.”
My headache flared.
Whispers returned to my ears.
“You’re nothing, Kas. Nothing but a toy to be broken.”
I backed up.
The light inside me drowned beneath dark. The bourbon made me nauseous, and my gaze flickered with the begi
I needed some space.
Rubbing my mouth with my hand, I muttered, “I’m tired. I can’t have this conversation right now.”
She nodded, her shoulders slumping. “Okay, I understand.”