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I shot him a warning look. Just because I’d followed his lead and willingly shattered any remaining doors and walls inside my head, allowing past and present to mingle freely, didn’t mean I was ready to—
“Touch yourself, Kas.” Jareth sipped his bourbon. “Grab that cock of yours, spank it, throttle it, do whatever healthy, horny men do, and prove to me that you’ve claimed ownership over that part of your body. Unless you do that, I don’t know if I trust leaving Gemma in your company without a chaperone.” He gri
Gemma’s cheeks pinked. “He was being honorable. I encouraged sex to prove a point to you. To show he was safe—”
“He’s not safe until he can come by his own hand.” Jareth grabbed his own crotch. “The day I was free, I claimed this back as mine. I got high, locked the door, and fucked myself over and over again to prove a point. To prove to myself that me and only me gets to play with this. I get to decide who’s permitted to touch it.”
And how long has it been since that day, brother?
I’d watched him, reading what he wasn’t saying.
I might’ve been alone for eleven years, but Jareth...he still wore the newness of freedom. He didn’t look settled into the novelty. He still glanced at the door with panic camouflaged as boredom. He still stiffened if Gemma moved too quickly or something rustled against the window.
Wherever Jareth had been for the past decade...it’d been worse than living alone with only nature to keep me company.
I opened my mouth to ask about the scar on his cheek, but Gemma balled her hands and asked, “What about the girl you killed? Was she allowed to touch you?”
Jareth sucked in a harsh breath.
“Wait, what?” My eyes shot to his. “Who was she? What the fuck happened? Tell me.”
“Nah, think I’ll keep that tale for another day, thanks.” Jareth leaned back, deliberately spreading his legs, his hand grabbing a fistful of his cock. The look in his gaze looked half dead, half psychopath. “Come on, Kas. Follow my lead. You’ve got enough booze in your system to ignore your righteous rules.” Jareth snickered, speaking to Gemma, “Did you know, he’d actually turn around and not look if Nyx or the others got undressed in the dorm? He acted as if seeing them naked wasn’t allowed even though we’d seen every part of each other thanks to the games we were forced to—”
“Enough.” I held up my hand, my headache back and throbbing. “I’m not masturbating in front of you.”
“Yeah, you are.”
“Fuck off.”
Jareth stopped rubbing himself, digging both hands into the armrests and leaning forward. “You’re jerking off in front of me, and I’ll tell you why.”
Anger poured through me. My hands itched to co
“You say you’ve made a choice,” Jareth repeated my earnest decision. “But I don’t believe you’re fully committed to that choice unless you get off on your own.” His eyes hardened. “We both know that’s when the nightmares started and when shit got bad for you.”
I bared my teeth. “I was serving twice as much as anyone. Trying to protect you lot was why I started struggling—”
“So, you’re blaming us?” Jareth went deceptively still; pain flared in his eyes before he covered it with animosity. “We didn’t ask you to volunteer, you know.”
“I’m not blaming you, and you know that’s not what I meant.”
He threw me a thin smile. “Yeah, I know. What really fucked you up, brother, was the day you lost ownership over your own body. The day you let them take your cock from you was the day your nightmares kept us all awake.” He leaned forward, pointing at my crotch. “So have at it. Prove to me that you’re well enough that I can leave without wondering if this valley will need another grave.”
Gem sucked in a breath beside me as Jareth continued to stroke himself over his pants, the outline of his erection becoming visible the longer he touched.
“Not tonight,” I snapped, my eyes straying to the bottle of bourbon. My mouth wanted more fire. My head wanted more medicine.
“Yes, tonight. I’m not sticking around, Kas. Let’s push your buttons. See if it triggers your PTSD again.”
“Fuck off, Jareth. I told you, I’m not masturbating in front of you.” I gri
“Fuck you.” Jareth flipped up his middle finger, his eyes gleaming with shared history. “My cock and your cock were never involved, thank God.” He dropped his hand and pointed at Gemma instead. “But your cock and her pussy are very much involved. And you know as well as I do that some triggers are harder to overcome than others.” His voice dropped from harsh harassment to genuine concern. “You truly want to run the risk that a silly thing like unresolved issues might end the future you guys obviously want?”
Gemma glanced at me.
I glanced at my crotch.
As much as I hated him pointing out the obvious, he was right.
I’d opened myself up to my memories which had somehow allowed them to disperse and scatter, leaving my head clearer and quieter than it had in all the years of trying to repress them. But that? Willingly touching myself?
I didn’t think I was ready.
I didn’t know if I’d ever be ready to endure the flames of agony that burned my palms whenever I tried to masturbate. The physical pain was a phantom—I knew that—but it was too ingrained in my psyche to ignore. To linked to horrors that’d turned my body against me, made me the monster, the rapist, and the sick seducer.
Jareth shot from his seat and brought the bottle of alcohol to me. Grabbing my empty glass, he poured another drink right to the top. Wordlessly, he patted my shoulder before moving back to his chair. Adding more to his own glass, he raised it and waited until I did the same.
Saluting the air between us, we shot it back.
The burn worked its way down my throat and into my belly, licking with heat and sudden lust. My libido had tormented me on and off throughout the years. It’d grown overwhelming when Gem arrived, but now...now it was afraid.
Afraid of realizing that for all my promises of making a choice, I might not have one where touching myself was concerned.
I might snap again.
I might black out.
I might forget...
Gem shifted next to me, her thigh aligning with mine. Electricity sparked between us, crackling with awareness and that special zing that said she was the one for me. The one born and destined to be mine.
Slowly, as if she moved underwater, her hand landed on my thigh.
My nostrils flared as she inched her fingers upward, sliding between my legs. Sudden, heady need coiled in my gut, making me harden.
I held my breath as she traced the outline of my cock, rapidly swelling the longer she sat so close. Her fingers teased me with a barely-there stroke designed to make me mad.
Sucking in her bottom lip, she placed her palm over me, her hand warm even through my shorts. Rubbing me up and down, she made my eyes flutter, turning heavy with desire and submission to give in.
Jareth sniffed and reclined, not saying a word.
Sex in front of someone wasn’t new to me. It’d become normal thanks to the open doors and sharing protocol between guests. But this...it wasn’t like that.
This was private.
This was more intense than anything in my life.
Ripping my eyes away from Jareth, I jolted as Gem fisted me, squeezing me as best she could with my shorts still baring her skin from mine. Shifting onto her knees, she inhaled fast and shallow as she reached for my hand with her free one.
Her touch was like fire on my flesh.
My instincts screamed to pull away and not let her do this. But the whispers and memories in my head encouraged me. All the times I’d supported my family. All the tears I’d wiped from their faces and all their screams I’d swallowed so Storymaker wouldn’t punish my loved ones, reminded me that if I could do that for them, then I could do this for me.
With gritted teeth, I let Gem guide my hand to where she fisted me.
Every muscle in my body stiffened as she splayed my hand and placed it where hers had been, wrapping my own fingers around my erection.
The neat bourbon buzzed in my veins, giving me false confidence to do something I hadn’t been able to do in years. With my right hand cupping myself beneath Gem’s touch and my left gripping the armrest of the couch, I fought the rush of sickness, the shortness of breath, the chaos inside my head as she forced my fingers to fondle.
Pleasure shot through my belly as I squeezed.
Dread, disgust, and detestation followed swiftly after.
My body demanded more than just a squeeze. My hips wanted to rock. My balls tightened with the need to release.
But I still couldn’t move my hand.
Gem shifted higher onto her knees. Ru
Her lips feathered over mine, distracting me, igniting a fierce need to shoot through my veins.
My cock went rock fucking hard beneath my hand.
She moaned into my mouth as I licked the seam of her lips.
She let me kiss her deeper, losing myself to lust and sensation.
My fingers squeezed around me, instinct taking over.
A part of me clawed for more.
The other part howled to let go.
Sweat broke out over my forehead.
Christ, why had I allowed Storymaker to have such control over me? This was my body, goddammit. My cock. My decision.
I kissed Gemma harder, anger pouring through me. Injustice and frustration and every other shitty emotion I’d been repressing for far too long ignited. With strength I didn’t really have, I wrapped my fingers tighter around my length.
And I made another choice.
A choice to defeat this part of me.
A choice to take back what was stolen.
My mind spluttered with present and past. Ghostly voices whispered in my ears.
I pumped once.
“That’s it, darling Kas, get nice and hard for Levin. I could spit on it for you, give you some lube.” Storymaker gri
Fuck.
My hand opened on its own accord, still controlled by panic attacks and self-preservation. Ripping my touch away, I sucked in a tattered breath.
“Don’t let him stop, Gemma,” Jareth snapped from across the room. “He can’t stop.”