Alls Wel that ends Well

company, Chitopher, Vaumond, Bentii, two hundred fifty each; so

that the muster-file, rotten and sound, upon my life, amounts not

to fifteen thousand poll; half of the which dare not shake the

snow from off their cassocks lest they shake themselves to

pieces. 

BERTRAM. What shall be done to him?

SECOND LORD. Nothing, but let him have thanks. Demand of him my

condition, and what credit I have with the Duke.

FIRST SOLDIER. Well, that's set down. 'You shall demand of him

whether one Captain Dumain be i' th' camp, a Frenchman; what his

reputation is with the Duke, what his valour, honesty, expertness

in wars; or whether he thinks it were not possible, with

well-weighing sums of gold, to corrupt him to a revolt.' What say

you to this? What do you know of it?

PAROLLES. I beseech you, let me answer to the particular of the

inter'gatories. Demand them singly.

FIRST SOLDIER. Do you know this Captain Dumain?

PAROLLES. I know him: 'a was a botcher's prentice in Paris, from

whence he was whipt for getting the shrieve's fool with child-a

dumb i

BERTRAM. Nay, by your leave, hold your hands; though I know his

brains are forfeit to the next tile that falls.

FIRST SOLDIER. Well, is this captain in the Duke of Florence's

camp?

PAROLLES. Upon my knowledge, he is, and lousy. 

SECOND LORD. Nay, look not so upon me; we shall hear of your

lordship anon.

FIRST SOLDIER. What is his reputation with the Duke?

PAROLLES. The Duke knows him for no other but a poor officer of

mine; and writ to me this other day to turn him out o' th' band.

I think I have his letter in my pocket.

FIRST SOLDIER. Marry, we'll search.

PAROLLES. In good sadness, I do not know; either it is there or it

is upon a file with the Duke's other letters in my tent.

FIRST SOLDIER. Here 'tis; here's a paper. Shall I read it to you?

PAROLLES. I do not know if it be it or no.

BERTRAM. Our interpreter does it well.

SECOND LORD. Excellently.

FIRST SOLDIER. [Reads] 'Dian, the Count's a fool, and full of

gold.'

PAROLLES. That is not the Duke's letter, sir; that is an

advertisement to a proper maid in Florence, one Diana, to take

heed of the allurement of one Count Rousillon, a foolish idle

boy, but for all that very ruttish. I pray you, sir, put it up

again. 

FIRST SOLDIER. Nay, I'll read it first by your favour.

PAROLLES. My meaning in't, I protest, was very honest in the behalf

of the maid; for I knew the young Count to be a dangerous and

lascivious boy, who is a whale to virginity, and devours up all

the fry it finds.

BERTRAM. Damnable both-sides rogue!

FIRST SOLDIER. [Reads]

'When he swears oaths, bid him drop gold, and take it;

After he scores, he never pays the score.

Half won is match well made; match, and well make it;

He ne'er pays after-debts, take it before.

And say a soldier, Dian, told thee this:

Men are to mell with, boys are not to kiss;

For count of this, the Count's a fool, I know it,

Who pays before, but not when he does owe it.

Thine, as he vow'd to thee in thine ear,

PAROLLES.'

BERTRAM. He shall be whipt through the army with this rhyme in's

forehead.

FIRST LORD. This is your devoted friend, sir, the manifold 

linguist, and the amnipotent soldier.

BERTRAM. I could endure anything before but a cat, and now he's a

cat to me.

FIRST SOLDIER. I perceive, sir, by our General's looks we shall be

fain to hang you.

PAROLLES. My life, sir, in any case! Not that I am afraid to die,

but that, my offences being many, I would repent out the

remainder of nature. Let me live, sir, in a dungeon, i' th'

stocks, or anywhere, so I may live.

FIRST SOLDIER. We'll see what may be done, so you confess freely;

therefore, once more to this Captain Dumain: you have answer'd to

his reputation with the Duke, and to his valour; what is his

honesty?

PAROLLES. He will steal, sir, an egg out of a cloister; for rapes

and ravishments he parallels Nessus. He professes not keeping of

oaths; in breaking 'em he is stronger than Hercules. He will lie,

sir, with such volubility that you would think truth were a fool.

Drunke

in his sleep he does little harm, save to his bedclothes about

him; but they know his conditions and lay him in straw. I have 

but little more to say, sir, of his honesty. He has everything

that an honest man should not have; what an honest man should

have he has nothing.

SECOND LORD. I begin to love him for this.

BERTRAM. For this description of thine honesty? A pox upon him! For

me, he's more and more a cat.

FIRST SOLDIER. What say you to his expertness in war?

PAROLLES. Faith, sir, has led the drum before the English

tragedians-to belie him I will not-and more of his soldier-ship

I know not, except in that country he had the honour to be the

officer at a place there called Mile-end to instruct for the

doubling of files-I would do the man what honour I can-but of

this I am not certain.

SECOND LORD. He hath out-villain'd villainy so far that the rarity

redeems him.

BERTRAM. A pox on him! he's a cat still.

FIRST SOLDIER. His qualities being at this poor price, I need not

to ask you if gold will corrupt him to revolt.

PAROLLES. Sir, for a cardecue he will sell the fee-simple of his

salvation, the inheritance of it; and cut th' entail from all 

remainders and a perpetual succession for it perpetually.

FIRST SOLDIER. What's his brother, the other Captain Dumain?

FIRST LORD. Why does he ask him of me?

FIRST SOLDIER. What's he?

PAROLLES. E'en a crow o' th' same nest; not altogether so great as

the first in goodness, but greater a great deal in evil. He

excels his brother for a coward; yet his brother is reputed one

of the best that is. In a retreat he outruns any lackey: marry,

in coming on he has the cramp.

FIRST SOLDIER. If your life be saved, will you undertake to betray

the Florentine?

PAROLLES. Ay, and the Captain of his Horse, Count Rousillon.

FIRST SOLDIER. I'll whisper with the General, and know his

pleasure.

PAROLLES. [Aside] I'll no more drumming. A plague of all drums!

Only to seem to deserve well, and to beguile the supposition of

that lascivious young boy the Count, have I run into this danger.

Yet who would have suspected an ambush where I was taken?

FIRST SOLDIER. There is no remedy, sir, but you must die.

The General says you that have so traitorously discover'd the 

secrets of your army, and made such pestiferous reports of men

very nobly held, can serve the world for no honest use; therefore

you must die. Come, headsman, of with his head.

PAROLLES. O Lord, sir, let me live, or let me see my death!

FIRST SOLDIER. That shall you, and take your leave of all your

friends. [Unmuffling him] So look about you; know you any here?

BERTRAM. Good morrow, noble Captain.

FIRST LORD. God bless you, Captain Parolles.

SECOND LORD. God save you, noble Captain.

FIRST LORD. Captain, what greeting will you to my Lord Lafeu? I am

for France.

SECOND LORD. Good Captain, will you give me a copy of the so

you writ to Diana in behalf of the Count Rousillon? An I were not

a very coward I'd compel it of you; but fare you well.

Exeunt BERTRAM and LORDS

FIRST SOLDIER. You are undone, Captain, all but your scarf; that