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I stopped and met his stare. Or glare. The look was somewhere in between. “But I thought about Sotoria’s soul and how I couldn’t do that to her, even for a chance to ensure our safety. And I would do anything for that. Anything but that.” My voice thickened. “And I realized that if one life is that important, then how can the lives of gods and mortals not be more important than our vengeance? Our anger? It can’t be that way.”
Silence greeted me, and what felt like my entire insides started to squirm. “Say something,” I ordered Ash.
He leaned forward, propping his elbow on his knee. “You really, truly believe that Kolis doesn’t want war?”
Obviously, I did. Well, I mostly did. Like, I was ninety-nine percent sure, but uncertainty rose. I wasn’t sure how to answer. “I…I know you think my opinion is influenced by how he acted when he believed I was Sotoria, but even before that—the very first time I spoke to him in Dalos—he didn’t speak of war.”
“Instead, he spoke of killing all the Primals who stood against him,” Ash countered. “How is that not war?”
“I see what you’re saying, but I think…I think he was ru
Ash’s expression was unreadable. “Kolis says a lot, Sera.”
“I know. He is aware of his limitations, and I think he knows how tenuous his hold would become if another challenged his power. I mean, he absolutely hated when I used the eather around him, and I don’t think it was because he was afraid of me or anything like that.”
Nektas cocked his head. “What do you mean?”
“He doesn’t like to be challenged.”
Ash’s jaw flexed. “That, I know.”
“But it’s about more than just his ego,” I told him. “I think it was because he didn’t want anyone else to see that I could challenge him.”
Ash’s head tilted. “And how does that have nothing to do with his ego?”
“I…I don’t know. I’m not explaining it clearly enough.” Frustrated, I shoved a curl away from my face, searching for how to convey what I felt when it came to dealing with Kolis. “Look, I don’t think Kolis is reasonable when it comes to anything that doesn’t line up with what he wants, but he knows what war would do to the realms. He doesn’t want to rule over a pile of bones. He will seek to prevent that, which in his own shitty way, he’s trying to do. If there’s a sliver of a chance that he will abdicate the throne, then how can we not pursue that?”
Ash didn’t respond for several long moments. “We spoke about entombing him. If we were to do that now, it would mean we’ve reneged.”
My stomach churned. “I know.” A muscle ticked in Ash’s jaw, and my chest tightened. Did I make the right choices?
“There is no right or wrong choice,” Nektas said, and I turned to him. Did I speak out loud? He was focused on Ash. “Peace should always be attempted first.”
Ash sat back. “Even if that peace comes with a threat looming over our heads? Do we continue to live like that?”
“That’s what your father would’ve chosen,” Nektas said quietly.
“And look what that got him,” Ash shot back.
“You think he didn’t know the risks of refusing his brother? He did. But he had to think of everyone else. That is what a King does.” Nektas held Ash’s stare. “That has never been what Kolis has done, but that is what Sera is trying to do.”
“I don’t think Sera made the wrong choice,” Ash insisted as he shifted toward me. “I don’t.”
Then what did he think? Because it sure didn’t seem like he agreed with what I did.
“Okay.” Rhain held up a hand. “What was his response?”
“He didn’t accept or turn the deal down,” I said. “Neither did I. I think Aydun likely sensed we were both going to say no, so he told us we had time to think it over. We have about a month.”
“We should continue as we’ve pla
Folding my arms over my waist, I nodded absently. Rhain was right. Nothing had changed.
But like before, I couldn’t shake the feeling that everything had.
After Rhain and Nektas left, Ash and I sat in silence for a little while.
“Rhain is right. We should continue as pla
“Agreed.” Nibbling on a fingernail, I watched him walk to the desk and pour himself a drink from the decanter.
It wasn’t often that I wished I had his ability to sense emotion, but now was one of those times. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or disappointed in me for offering the deal. If it was the former, I could deal with anger. Disappointment, though? My stomach churned. That would be harder to face.
But I knew he disagreed with what I’d decided. That much was clear.
He looked over at me. “Something to drink?”
“Water is fine.”
“I will head to Vathi in the morning.” Ash poured from the pitcher. “I think it would be wise to let Attes know about the deals.”
I nodded. “He won’t be happy to hear what Kolis asked for.”
Lowering the decanter, Ash’s head tilted, and his brow furrowed in perplexity.
“He knew her when Kolis brought her back and kept her captive. I don’t know why Kolis allowed that, but Attes grew to care for her,” I explained, folding my other arm over my waist. “I think it may have been more than that, honestly.”
“If that is the case, then I feel bad for the bastard.”
Well, I guessed feeling empathy for him was a step in the right direction. “I think it’s also a good idea for Attes to keep The Star, at least for now, since Kolis believes we have it.”
Ash nodded. “Would you like the water?” he asked as he approached. “Or would you like to continue chewing away at your finger?”
I narrowed my eyes at him and took the glass. “Thank you.”
“Mm-hmm.” He turned and took a drink. “Is that what you’re anxious about?”
Holding the glass to my chest, I frowned. “What?”
“You’re projecting anxiety. It tastes like syrup but carries the tartness of unease. It’s not what I normally pick up from you when you’re anxious.”
Normally? I made a face.
Turning, he leaned against the edge of the desk. “Though I don’t think it’s Attes that has you this anxious.”
It wasn’t.
His eyes met mine over the rim of his glass. “Talk to me.”
I took a drink, wishing I had opted for the whiskey. There were times when I was good at talking, especially when I was ru
But Ash was likely already aware of that.
Hand tightening around the glass, I looked up. “Are you…are you mad at me?”
A crease formed between his brows as he lowered his drink. “What?”
“Because of the deal I offered,” I hurried on. “Or are you disappointed?”
“Sera,” he said, setting his glass aside. “I’m not mad at you, nor am I disappointed in you.”
I should’ve felt relief upon hearing that, but I didn’t. “You’re feeling something about it, though.”
“Yeah.” He laughed, thrusting a hand through his hair. “I’m feeling a lot of different things about it. Namely frustration.”
“With me?”
“A little, but mostly with myself.”
My head jerked back. “Why?”
“Because instead of spending time threatening the Arae and then fucking, I should’ve been thinking.”
“I’m not sure I can agree with that second part,” I said.
A wry grin appeared as he picked up his glass again. “If I had stopped for a moment to think about it, I would’ve realized there was a chance that Kolis would pull something like this. I could’ve prepared you for having to make an offer. We would’ve talked it through.”
Could’ve. Would’ve. I hated those words. “I don’t think any of us believed Kolis would demand a meeting or offer a deal,” I reasoned.
“But I know him. I should have expected this.” His gaze came back to mine. “From the moment we met in the Garden District, you have always been the stab-first-and-ask-questions-later type.” He dropped his hand. “In both the figurative and literal senses.”
My lips pursed.
“You’ll strike first before anyone else can get the upper hand,” he added. “You’re not one to give many a chance.”
“I can’t exactly deny that,” I said.
“That’s changed.”’
“I…I don’t think that’s how a Queen would behave,” I admitted.
He took a drink. “And how does a Queen behave, Sera?”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “But lashing out and potentially worsening the situation probably isn’t it.”
“Dealing with Kolis will always be a situation that worsens,” he replied. “And what did I say before, when you said you didn’t know how to be a Queen? I didn’t say act how you think a Queen should. I told you to be yourself.”
“I remember.”
“Were you yourself when you offered him that deal?” he asked.
Yes? No? I wasn’t sure. But what I did know, or at least what I thought I knew, was that I needed to be a less…stabby version of myself now that I was Queen.
“Are we going to accept his deal?” he asked in the silence.
My lip curled. “Absolutely, not.”
“But what if Kolis accepts the deal, Sera?” he continued. “Are we really going to let him run around? Trust that he will keep to his word?”
I drew my tongue over the back of my teeth. “That’s what I offered.”
Ash’s eyes flared with eather. “And?”
“And it won’t be easy. Many will not be happy, but they will be…unhappily alive.”
“Is that really what you want?” he asked.
“No.” My free hand dropped to my side. “I want to make him bleed and dance in his blood. I want to fucking hurt him and, if I could, kill him. That is what I want.”
A savage grin appeared. “That is the Sera I know.”
“But does that make us better than him?” I asked. “I don’t know if it does or doesn’t, but if a war comes, I don’t want it to be us who starts it,” I said, and I wasn’t sure if that was necessarily true. I wanted to attack, to go hard at Kolis, but I couldn’t be that monstrous version of myself. “Even if the threat of disturbing the Ancients wasn’t at stake, I don’t want there to be a war at all.”
“Neither do I.”