Страница 160 из 216
CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
Releasing my death grip on the porcelain sides of the toilet, I rocked back.
By some miracle, I’d made it—barely—to the bathing chamber before what felt like everything I’d eaten at breakfast made a reappearance.
Thankfully, Attes and Ash were at the Black Bay, speaking with Lailah. Ash hadn’t wanted to leave my side since…well, since everything. But as soon as we’d finished speaking with Attes, my stomach had started churning. I was supposed to be downstairs with Rhain, but right now, my thoughts were on whatever the hell was going on with my body.
I’d felt fine one moment and not the very next second. Was it a lingering consequence of my fight with Kolis? Or did it have more to do with all the mental and emotional stuff? The grief? Like what I’d finally shared with Ash and the promise I’d made him make? Trauma did weird things to the body. Or was it seeing the raw emotion Attes struggled to control when speaking of both Sotoria and his brother?
Honestly, I didn’t think it was any of those things. Or even my anxiety. I had been nauseous off and on since I Ascended, but I was past the point where I should be feeling any lasting effects.
Come to think of it, I had been nauseous while in Dalos. Granted, there was a realm of reasons to explain that, but…
Muscles in my sides aching and my throat stinging, I rose and went to the vanity. I rinsed my mouth and splashed cool water on my face. My temples throbbed, likely from the retching. It had been quite…vigorous. I winced, really regretting the extra helping of spiced sausage. Another wave of nausea swelled. Squeezing my eyes shut, I gripped the edges of the vanity. Skin clammy and stomach in knots, I focused on breathing through my nose until the sensation passed. I still didn’t move for several minutes, half-afraid I would find myself on my knees once again. Though I wasn’t sure what was left inside me at this point.
I pried my fingers from the vanity and stepped back gingerly. My reflection stared back at me. The bruises on my neck were faint, a gross bluish-green shade, but they were still there.
Shouldn’t they have completely healed by now? The answer was yes, and I knew I wasn’t the only one thinking that. I’d caught Ash staring at my throat several times this morning, his jaw clenched and ticking.
Pressing a palm to my unsettled stomach, I shuffled into the bedchamber and made a beeline for the bed. I lay down on my back and closed my eyes. Hopefully, whatever this was would pass in a few minutes. We had things to do today.
A war to start and end.
And our first move was summoning the Primals.
I swallowed, grateful the sour bitterness was gone and the pounding in my temples had begun to ease.
Gods, I felt like a mess.
A gross, tired mess.
Why was I still so damn tired? I had fallen back to sleep, and we’d slept in. Despite all that had led up to it, it had been a deep, restful sleep…
The corners of my lips turned down. The fatigue wasn’t anything new. Before the attack on Lasania, I had been really tired in the evenings, and I’d slept deep and long. Even with the nightmares, that was something new for me. In the past, I’d rarely reach a level of sleep deep enough to dream. And if I did, I didn’t remember them.
That sensation came again. Like I was forgetting something. But this time, I didn’t. It had to do with dreams. Or a dream. Like the one I’d had while in stasis. The one where I’d been in my lake, and there had been a large feline on the bank, her coat the color of moonlight. She had been me. My nota. And she hadn’t been alone, had she? She hadn’t. In the shadows of the Dark Elms, there had been movement.
Two smaller…cubs.
I jerked upright so fast my stomach cramped. I started to stand, but the co
When had I menstruated last?
I started to think back, week after week, before losing the ability to count joined my inability to move. All I knew was that it had been weeks. Like a lot of weeks. Enough that more than a month had passed. Enough for the on-again-off-again nausea to make sense—
Oh, gods.
“No,” I stated, my voice hoarse but loud. “I’m freaking out for no reason.”
And I was, because what I was thinking couldn’t be possible. For the very shaky timeline to add up—for me to even feel some of the telltale signs of a…pregnancy—it would mean that I conceived weeks ago. A month. Maybe even two. Perhaps even the first time Ash and I had sex. But that didn’t make sense. A child could not be born of a Primal and a mortal—
But had I ever really been mortal?
“Oh, fuck,” I whispered.
That was a damn good question because when exactly had those embers of life truly become a part of me, changing what I was on such a fundamental level that they couldn’t be removed? The night I’d recklessly bitten Ash’s thumb and tasted that tiny drop of blood? The very same night we’d first had sex? My heart started pounding. If that one drop of blood had irrevocably changed the biology of my body, making me a little bit more Primal than mortal, could that also mean that a child could be created?
Wait.
I’d seen more than one.
I’d seen two.
Twins.
I thought of the prophecy. A first daughter… And a second daughter. But that didn’t sound like twins—
“But I saw cubs,” I said out loud. “Cute, little, fluffy cave cats. I didn’t see two toddlers frolicking in the fucking weeds. I’m not…”
My throat tightened, and my legs suddenly worked again. Shooting to my feet, I raced into the bathing chamber. Not to vomit. My stomach was settled. Mostly. I went to the mirror and yanked up the bottom of my tunic. I held the royal blue material beneath my breasts and stared at my lower abdomen. My head cocked to the side.
It looked the same. Soft. Concave at the naval and then slightly rounded. I turned sideways, seeing nothing—
“What am I doing?” I asked, a shrill giggle parting my lips. Would I even see a difference in my body at this point?
I didn’t know a whole lot about pregnancy, but I’d been around enough pregnant maids at Wayfair. The answer was no. I wouldn’t. My fingers tightened around the soft material. But could I really be far enough along that I would…what had Odetta called it when we’d happened upon the young, rosy-cheeked Emmeline, one of the chambermaids in the hall, clasping a bucket as she heaved?
“Pay her no mind,” Odetta had warbled, urging me along when I stopped. “She’s just having a bit of the morning qualms.”
I hadn’t any idea what that meant. I couldn’t have been more than ten or so at the time. Curious child that I was, I’d asked. Odetta had said that she was with child, and as sure as the sun rose each morning in Lasania, roughly seven or so months later, she had given birth.
Emmeline hadn’t looked pregnant, but she had also been of a willowy frame. However, there had been others with body types similar to mine who hadn’t appeared as if they were with child for many months. So, that meant nothing.
Which wasn’t exactly a relief because, in this situation, nothing could mean everything.
I couldn’t be pregnant. Not after everything I’d gone through in Dalos. Not after being struck with eather, and the Fates only knew how many arrows. Not after the fight with Kolis. He’d broken bones. He’d tossed me around like I was that doll Jadis played with.
Not after what I’d done.
I stared down at my stomach, remembering how nearly every part of my body had been bruised…except for my lower abdomen, almost as if that part of me had been shielded. That sounded ridiculous.
“I can’t be.” I jerked my head to my reflection.
I didn’t really see myself. I saw those cubs. I saw them as clearly as I had during stasis, except they changed in my mind now, becoming two mahogany-haired little boys with golden-bronze skin, one silver-eyed and the other…with eyes of silvery-gold—
What in the fuck?
I sucked in a shallow breath that went nowhere. Why in all the realms was I seeing little boys? It was official. I was losing my mind. Either way, I needed to know if I was…if I was pregnant, and I needed to know now. Right this fucking second. Or I would definitely go insane, and Ash would have to put me into stasis. But how could I find out? In Lasania, there were people, usually older women in Croft’s Cross, to whom many went. Even the nobility. But I wasn’t exactly sure how they could tell anyone anything. Then again, many went there for the teas that ensured there wouldn’t be a fruitful union, too. Regardless, there was no way I was going to shadowstep my ass into Lasania.
I didn’t think I could ever return there.
My mind raced. Those women people sought, wasn’t it said they worshipped at Temples of the Primal Goddess of Love, Beauty, and Fertility? There was no way I would ask Maia, but could Aios somehow—?
“Sera?”
I was so caught up in my panic, I didn’t feel Ash’s approach. I squeaked, dropping my tunic and whirling toward the entrance.
A second later, he filled the doorway. His dark, reddish-brown hair—his mahogany-hued hair—was swept back in a knot at the nape of his neck. Several strands were loose and tousled, though.
“Are you all right?” he asked, concern filling his voice. “I felt your…panic.”
“Uh…”
His gaze swept over me as if he were checking for injuries. The only one he’d find was to my brain. “It was so thick it nearly choked me,” he continued.
I could only stare at him.
He walked in, eyeing the tub and then the space around us. “What happened?”
“Nothing.” Clasping my hands together, I turned as he brushed past me, checking behind the short wall where the privy was. “No one is in here.”
He faced me. “Then what caused you to feel this?”
“Why is your hair so messy?” I asked instead, willing my heart to slow.
“I was on the Rise near the Black Bay.” He paused. “As you know.”
I did know that.
Godsdamnit.
His eyes narrowed. “What’s going on, Sera?”
A laugh crawled its way up my throat. One I knew would sound crazed if I allowed it any sort of freedom. I clamped my mouth shut.
“I’m starting to become worried.” Ash crossed the distance between us, cupping my cheek. His forehead creased. “Why is your face damp and cold?”
“I just washed it.” I forced my voice to be light, knowing I needed to calm down. There was no way I was telling him what I was thinking, causing him to—oh, gods, how would he even react? He’d likely be as panicked as me.
Maybe he’d vomit, too. I would if I were him.
“Liessa?” His thumb swept across my cheek. “I hoped we were beyond this.”
“We are.”
“Then talk to me.”
Fuck. Shit. Damn.