Born of Blood and Ash

“You are Seraphena Mierel!” His eyes flashed pure silver for a heartbeat, and the walls trembled, causing the chandelier to sway. “You are my wife. My fucking everything. I’ve told you this before, and it remains the same. There is nothing you could do that would ever change what I see or how I feel when I look at you.”

I sucked in a staggered breath. I knew that. Of course, I did.

“And I do understand what you did because, right or wrong, I would’ve done the same.”

“No, you wouldn’t have. You are better—”

“I am not better than that!” he shouted, pitching forward to plant his hands on the floor in front of him. For a moment, I thought he might take his wolf form. That was how he looked. “I am not better than you, Sera. You keep forgetting what I would’ve done if I’d lost you. I would’ve destroyed both realms. I would’ve become the end of everything, and the Fates know I wouldn’t have thought twice,” he snarled, his fangs bared. “Do you really think I didn’t try to kill Kolis after he murdered my father? I did. Even though I wasn’t powerful enough to do so, I fully intended to while knowing the consequences. I tried to kill him when he had you in Dalos, or did you forget that, too?”

I shivered. “I haven’t forgotten, Ash, but this isn’t the same, and you know it’s not.”

“What I know is that realms would be on fire if I had lost you,” he swore. “And even though you know that to be true, it does not change how you feel about me. Just because I have you doesn’t change what my intent would’ve been.” He took a deep breath, visibly attempting to calm himself. “I know what you want. What you think you need. You think you deserve to be punished. That something should be taken from you.”

“Would I be wrong?” I cried.

“Your guilt? Your remorse? It is choking me, so I know it must be suffocating you.” His voice cracked, and a glistening sheen of tears reflected in his eyes. “And I know it’s not going to be something that will magically disappear tomorrow. And there will be a tomorrow, Sera. There will be a thousand and more tomorrows. And I know your remorse will still be there with you no matter how many tomorrows there are. That is punishment enough.”

Was it, though?

He closed his eyes, and when they reopened, his lashes were damp. “What you did is not the same as Kolis.”

“What I did started as an act of justice, but it turned into nothing more than vengeance,” I said, disgust and shame lacing each word I spoke. “And once that happens, no one is on the right side. I went too far, and people paid with their lives.”

“Listen to me, Sera. Two things can be true at the same time. You went too far, but you are not Kolis. That doesn’t absolve you of responsibility, but it is not the same.”

I shook my head, a wail of grief welling up in me.

Shadows crawled up his neck and spread across his jaw. “Did you intend to kill? I’m not talking about Embris or the guards. Not even the Ascended. Did you intend to kill mortals?”

I drew back. “Gods, no.”

“Did Kolis intend to do so?”

“Yes.”

“That is the difference, and I can tell you right now, Kolis doesn’t feel an ounce of regret for what he ordered,” he said. “That is another difference.”

A tremor started building deep inside me. “But how…how do I live with this?”

“You don’t just live with it,” he said, his hands trembling when he tipped my head back. “You accept what you did. You learn from it.”

Accept it? A thousand years could pass, and I would still be horrified by what I’d caused. But I…

“I’m already learning,” I said. “I didn’t listen to my instincts. I should’ve listened to you and the others. I never should’ve believed that Kolis would put the realms before himself and his wants. I should’ve refused to offer him a deal instead of wanting to be better—less like who I was. Less like Kolis and more like your father. But that’s the thing, Ash. I am like Kolis.”

His nostrils flared. “I swear to the fucking Fates—”

“I am, Ash. That’s what you don’t want to accept.” I shook even harder. “I am not him or Veses, but I am not a benevolent person. I’m not cruel, but I don’t regret killing Embris for his role in taking my family from me. I never even really spoke to him, and he was more than happy to carry out Kolis’s orders and help kill i

As Ash stared up at me in silence, I took a deep breath and willed my heart to settle. “I am not a forgiving person. I try to be, but I can be monstrous. More so than you, and I am capable of horrific violence.”

“So am I.” He leaned back, bending one knee.

“You are when it comes to me or Kolis, but you would not have done what I did if I wasn’t threatened.” I held the blanket tighter around me. “You said no lies. No bullshit or half-truths. You would’ve stopped yourself. You know that.”

Ash looked away, a muscle ticking in his jaw.

“I never should’ve tried to handle this like I thought Eythos would have. I should have—” I stopped myself. Should have. Could have. Would have. I fucking hated them.

“What are you saying?” Ash asked.

“I’m saying I…I need to be me.”

His gaze met mine. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted. That is all the realms need.”

I stared at him, the clarity of his words driving me down. I sat on the edge of the bed. Gods. Ash…he’d always known what I was. What I was capable of. The good. The bad. The beautiful and the ugly. He had always accepted me. I’d just never accepted that. I hadn’t wanted to face it. Just like I…

I hadn’t faced so much in my life. It hadn’t made me stronger. It had only made me weaker.

He rose and knelt in front of me. “You are who I fell in love with, Sera. Every part of you. Not just the easy stuff but the complicated, messy aspects, too. I love each part of you equally. You will always be what I cherish most, liessa.” Clasping my cheeks, he kissed the top of my head. “Nothing will ever change that.”