Born of Blood and Ash

“I believe you, and I am relieved to hear that,” she said and then fell quiet. She let the silence stretch between us again. Giving me time.

Space.

At some point in that time and space, I told her everything. It was almost like I wasn’t there. My lips and tongue moved without conscious effort. I stood without realizing it, and everything just came out of me. And when I was done…

“I thought I would feel better after saying something.” A ragged laugh left me as I sat, my spine stiff. “I don’t feel better. Fuck, I feel worse because saying all of that out loud makes me feel like I’m back there. I can even smell him. And it also makes me feel like I’m overreacting. That I didn’t have it as bad as far too many others did.”

“Fates, Sera, you are so wrong about that,” Aios said, sitting beside me, though not too close, like she knew I needed a good foot of space around me. Because, of course, she knew. “Yes, some of us experienced worse when he tired of us and tossed us aside, but that does not mean that what you went through is less than. He held you against your will. Put you on display and threatened you. Repeatedly. He manipulated you and abused you. He forced you to do things you didn’t want to do. He assaulted you. And if you hadn’t freed yourself when you did, he would’ve taken what he wanted. I know he would have. That is not nothing.”

Flinching, I closed my eyes. “I know. I know it’s not nothing. I do.” I folded an arm over my waist. “I think the hardest thing for me is the lack of complete…control. I had none. And…” I pressed my lips together. “Yeah, that’s the part I keep getting hung up on.”

“That’s understandable, Sera. I felt the same way. We couldn’t even choose what we wore or when we ate. But we both have control now.”

We did.

“Last night, I had…I don’t know. It was like I was suddenly back there. I lost control, and the nota took over.” I pressed my lips together. “Nyktos hasn’t fed from me since I returned. I’ve offered, but he says he doesn’t need to, and I know that’s not why. I freeze up every time, but…” I trailed off, remembering how his lips and flesh had felt earlier. Once again, his skin hadn’t been as cold as it normally was when he didn’t feed, and I didn’t think it was his body replenishing itself. So, how…?

The nape of my neck tingled, and an image of Rhain formed in my mind.

Oh, my gods.

I jumped up, startling Aios. “I’m sorry. I need to go.”

Aios rose, concern filling her expression. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah. I just need to talk to Rhain.” My heart thumped as I turned to the door but then forced myself to stop. “Thank you for talking to me. I…I know it didn’t make me feel better now, but I think it will.”

“It will,” she said. A moment passed. “I promise.”

Rhain looked up from the parchments he held as I all but burst into the chamber a few doors down and across the hall from Ash’s.

“Seraphena.” The skin between his brows puckered. “Has something happened?”

“No.” I quietly closed the door behind me and crossed the lamplit chamber. My eyes were glued to him, searching for evidence that I hadn’t hallucinated what my instinct told me. “I need to ask you something.”

“Okay.”

I sat on the cream settee across from the one he was seated on. “And I need you to be honest.”

His expression immediately smoothed out. “All right.” He placed the parchments down on the cushion beside him. “What is this question?”

I eyed him, spotting the sudden tension bracketing the corners of his mouth. “I think you know what I’m about to ask.”

Rhain folded a knee over the other. “It would be impossible for me to know what you are thinking or about to ask.”

“Not this time.” I leaned forward, keeping my voice low because I knew Ash was just down the hall. “And I’m asking you to be honest, not because I am your Queen, but because I am Nyktos’s wife.”

The lines around his mouth deepened.

“I haven’t fed him since I returned from Dalos, but there have been times when it’s felt like he’s fed. His skin isn’t as cold. He told me it was because his body was replenishing itself, but I don’t think that’s always the case.” I watched how Rhain kept his expression blank the moment I started speaking. “Have you been feeding him?”

The truth was instantaneous. It was in the slight twitch of his right eye.

My heart cracked. “You have been.”

Rhain paled. “You don’t—”

“No, I do know. I do,” I stressed, and Rhain fell quiet. “I’m not reading you. But, gods, I…I still know.”

His jaw flexed, and his gaze moved to the door. “It hasn’t been often.”

Another cut sliced across my chest. “Once is too many.”

Rhain’s head swung back to mine.

“And I’m sorry you had to do that,” I said, my heart twisting until my chest hurt.

His mouth dropped open. “You ca

“Oh, my gods.” I stiffened. “I’m not angry with him. Or you. I’m…I’m angry with myself.”

Rhain snapped his mouth shut.

“This is…” I rose, thrusting a hand through my hair. “I’ve offered to feed him, but he…” I dropped my hand to my stomach. “I locked up. And he…he knows why. That is my fault. I am his wife. It should—” My voice cracked. “It should be me feeding him. Taking care of him and providing for him as he does for me.”

“No.” Rhain scooted forward. “This is not your fault. It’s Kolis’s.”

“Maybe in the begi

“Listen to me.” Rhain rose and stepped in front of me. “Whatever hang-ups you have with that? Not your fault.”

“I—”

“Shut up and listen to me.”

I snapped my mouth closed, my eyes widening.

“And I mean that with all due respect,” he tacked on, cheeks flushing pink. “Do you know how Kolis made Nyktos feed until he killed?”

Just hearing that sent a wild whip of anger through me. “Yes.”

“And do you know that, afterward, Nyktos would refuse to feed? For months. He almost made it half a year before he got so sick, so weak, that he was maybe one breath away from stasis. It got so bad, especially after Veses started paying him visits that we feared he would slip into stasis, and we wouldn’t be able to wake him. Or that he would be driven mad by bloodlust.”

The air left my body. I knew it had gotten bad, but not that bad.

Rhain’s eyes were an intense gold. “And I’m sure you remember how close he came to the latter the night the gods attacked you in the throne room.”

I nodded.

“He only started feeding normally again after you came into his life, and he had a hard time even then, which I’m sure you also know.”

I did.

“But if he has to feed from anyone else? Like while you were in stasis? He struggles to make himself do it. His hang-up when it came to feeding was due to what Kolis did to him—forced him to do,” he said. “Do you think that is his fault?”

“No,” I exclaimed. “Gods, no.”

His brows rose. “Then why the fuck do you think this is your fault?”

“I…” I closed my mouth. “Gods.”

“What?”

“You’re right.” I sighed and plopped back down on the settee.

He frowned. “You don’t need to sound so disappointed.”

I laughed hoarsely. “I’m not. It’s just…when it’s my fault, I can fix it, you know? I have control over it. At least, that is what I tell myself.”

Rhain studied me for a few seconds and then returned to the settee across from me. “I’ve never seen Nyktos behave like he does around you.” A faint smile appeared. “He still doesn’t like to be touched by others. Nektas once said he was like that even as a child, but he is different with you. He always was. And it is more than that. Seeing him openly affectionate with anyone? I didn’t think I’d ever see that, and I know I wasn’t the only one.”

I thought about all the times Rhain had looked stu

“He loved you before he realized he could. And him coming to me to feed him—something he struggles with even now—is something he does because of his love for you.”

“I know,” I whispered, feeling tears crowd my eyes. I tried to push them down because I didn’t want Ash to sense my emotions and worry.

“That is how he is changing what was done to him. It wasn’t his fault, but he’s fixing it,” Rhain stated. “And even though this isn’t your fault, you can still fix it. Fates, Sera, you even know how.”

Gods, did I ever know how.

And it was well past time I did it.

Because we were supposed to be a team. Partners. We stood by each other’s side. We would change the realms.

But not if I continued this way. Not if I didn’t start trusting myself. And that was it, wasn’t it? The key. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust Ash. I trusted him with everything—my joy and sorrow, my pleasure and pain. Like I’d said to Aios, it was never about him seeing me differently. It was always about me thinking of myself differently. That was the problem I needed to face. With Ash. And it couldn’t wait. Thank the gods I no longer sensed Attes so I could.

Some of the rawness eased. “Thank you.” I cleared my throat. “Thank you for providing for my husband and telling me to shut up.”

“You’re welcome. I think.” His head cocked when I rose. “What are you going to do now?”

“Find my husband and talk—” I jerked as a horrifying scream pierced the air, cutting through the atmosphere like a blade. Concern surged through me, and my gaze flew to Rhain’s.

He was still looking at me, brows raised, waiting for me to continue. It was like he hadn’t…

“Didn’t you hear that?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

“Hear what?” he asked.

“A…a scream.” Throat suddenly dry, I tried to swallow.

A look of worry settled onto his face. “What?”

I stared at him in confusion. There was no way he hadn’t heard what I did. My skin was still pimpled from the sound. “I heard a scream—a kind I’ve never heard before.”

Rhain rose, the look of worry increasing in his expression. “Sera, I didn’t hear anything.”

That was impossible unless my hearing had improved that much. But it sounded close, almost as if the person were standing right beside me.

“Sera?” Rhain inquired. He reached out to place a hand on my shoulder, but I stepped back. “What’s going on?”

“I…I don’t know.” Turning, I quickly crossed the chamber and wrenched open the door. “Something—”