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CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
Terror seized me in one breath, and shame scalded me in the other. My muscles locked up and then moved all at once. I had no control over them—over myself. I sprang from Ash’s lap so fast I nearly lost my balance as I bumped into the table, knocking over a glass.
“Sera?” Ash said my name quietly, but there was no mistaking the heavy threads of concern in his voice.
Calm down. I needed to calm down. I’m not there. I’m being foolish. I’m not there.
Managing to take a deep enough breath, I closed my eyes and focused on breathing. “I’m okay.” I was. “I’m fine.”
Ash didn’t respond, and the silence drove my eyes open.
He was on the edge of the couch, frozen as if he had been in the process of standing. His right hand was on the arm, his knuckles bleached white.
My chest rose and fell with a ragged breath, and I could’ve sworn his chest did the same.
“You’re okay?” he said, the skin of his chest thi
I nodded, pressing my shaking hands to my hips.
His throat worked on a swallow. “What just happened?”
“Nothing.” I took another step back and turned halfway to the table, staring at the overturned glass. “You didn’t hurt me or anything—”
“I know I didn’t hurt you.” Ash had gone completely still. “I also know that wasn’t nothing.”
I stared harder at the glass.
“You smelled lilacs. Stale lilacs,” he continued, his voice low. “That is what death—true death—smells like.”
The temperature around me plummeted, and I swung my head back to him.
“That is what Kolis smells like.”
A shudder went through me, and I forced myself to move. I started toward the table. “Yeah, he does.”
His body trembled, too. “Sera…”
My skin stretched tight as I reached for the fallen glass. “What?”
“Talk to me,” he said. “Please.”
I swallowed, my heart squeezing. My hand was still shaking as I righted the glass. “About what?”
“About what you’re feeling right now.”
“I’m feeling kind of tired right now,” I answered, forcing a yawn. “Shouldn’t we be sleeping?”
“Sera.”
Feeling backed into a corner, I reacted like any caged animal. “What?” I snapped. “What do you want me to say? I freaked out for a minute. It’s no big deal.”
“I didn’t say it was.”
“You’re acting as if it is!” The wall sconces flickered as essence rose, but I wasn’t sure if he or I did it.
“I don’t mean to,” he said, his voice softer. Calmer. “I’m sorry if I did.”
Gods, my heart hurt as if his apology had been a dagger plunged straight into it. “You have nothing to apologize for.” I moved away from the table and bent to pick up my robe. Once it was in my hands, I had no idea what to do with it, so I simply held it. “I’m just tired, Ash. That is all.”
There was a stretch of silence and then he said, “Do you remember the cavern I took you to so you could clean up?”
His question caught me off guard enough that I turned to him. He’d let go of the arm of the couch. “Yes.”
His skin had stopped thi
I froze.
“You didn’t need to remind me that it was still you,” he said, his body still on the edge of the couch. “I know it’s still you, no matter what has happened.”
Pressure descended onto my chest, and all I could hear for a moment was the pounding of my heart. “Nothing happened, though.”
His eyes slammed shut as he twisted his head to the side.
“I told you that before.” My grip tightened on the robe. “Kolis didn’t—”
“And I told you before that I know better.” His head whipped to the front, and his flesh thi
The floor felt like it was moving beneath my feet. I hadn’t forgotten any of that. I’d just refused to allow myself to think about how he had clawed at his flesh to get to me. That he knew, even though I pretended he didn’t.
“He took from you,” Ash seethed, and those four words fell like frozen rain against my skin. A sheen of white frost appeared at the corners of the walls. “He took your blood.”
“I told you I stopped him.”
“You stopped him that time.” His head twisted again, the tendons in his neck standing out. “Please do not lie to me, Sera. You don’t need to.”
I shook.
“Don’t you understand that?” His gaze swung back to mine. Eather crackled from his irises. “I know.”
I jerked. “Know what?”
Frost spread over the wall, crackling. “I know how he is. I know exactly what he is capable of. And I know what he did to others he put in those cages.”
I stiffened as my mind flashed from the things in the chest to how Kolis’s throne was set so he had a perfect view of the bed. I thought about the chains. The chair by the bathing tub. How he’d displayed me. How he’d offered me to Kyn. How he’d found release as he held me to him, feeding from me. The stitches of the robe loosened beneath my fingers as I took another step back. Gods, I could feel the…the dampness even now.
Ash’s body seemed to vibrate as he took a deep breath. The frost retreated a few inches. “I know you tried to convince him you were Sotoria. I know…” His lids lowered, and the skin around his eyes creased. “I know you did everything you could to get him to free me.”
When he opened his eyes, they glimmered. “I know.”
But he couldn’t know everything. There was no way unless Kolis had said something…
My skin burned. I knew Kyn had told him what Kolis had offered, but Ash wasn’t talking about that. “What did he say?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“What did he say!?” I shouted, the robe slipping from my fingers. Panic blossomed in the pit of my stomach. “Yes, I pretended to be Sotoria. I told him I would consider things with him if he released you. He agreed but found every reason not to.” A jagged laugh crawled its way out of me, and then the words came out in a rush. “It didn’t matter how much I pretended I didn’t want to rip his throat out whenever I had to listen to him. He always found a reason not to let you go. You were too angry. I was too mouthy—too stubborn.” My hands opened and closed. “So, yes, I pretended to enjoy his presence and often failed at doing so because he—” I stopped. Kolis’s anger at me asking about Ash’s release after Ione confirmed that I was Sotoria resurfaced and struck like a pit viper. Just as his fangs had. I lifted my hands and then lowered them. “I told him you didn’t love me.”
Ash had gone quiet. His eyes never left me, but I didn’t really see him. I didn’t see anything. “He knew I cared for you. I…I think he knew it was more than that, even though I played it off.” The breath I took felt insufficient. “I told him you had your kardia removed. If I hadn’t told him that, he…”
“I know what he would’ve done,” Ash said, his voice sounding as pained as I felt on the inside. “He would’ve put me into stasis, and I may still be in it. But you protected me. You saved me.”
I had.
I had.
I’d saved him.
“You saved yourself,” he said.
I had.
I had.
“I saved myself before it was…” I trailed off, my mind flashing to Gemma, Aios, and all the other nameless, faceless favorites.
“Before what?” Ash questioned. “Before it was too late?”
“Yes,” I whispered hoarsely, backing up and then walking forward. “It doesn’t feel like it, though.” I turned, then stopped. “Why does it feel that way? Nothing happened.”
“Stop saying that nothing happened, Sera!”
“It’s the truth, godsdamnit!” I screamed.
And it was the truth.
Nothing had really happened to me. I was lucky.
Ash was on his feet in the blink of an eye, the faint outline of wings appearing behind him. “And I know that isn’t true!” he yelled back, causing every item in the room to tremble. Everything except me. “I saw the bruises, and I don’t give a shit how he controlled his anger the next time.” Shadows spun beneath the flesh of his cheeks. “He hurt you, Sera. He threatened you. He showed you off. And I know what Kolis said he’d do to you if you turned out not to be Sotoria.”
I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t.
“I know Kolis fed from you.” His lips peeled back in a low snarl. “And I know—” He stopped himself, his eyes closing again. “I know he is why fear seizes you when you feel my fangs—when you never allowed fear to stop you before.”
The breath I exhaled formed a misty cloud.
“He took that from you,” he seethed. “Whatever you experienced with him, Sera? It wasn’t nothing. Because I know a part of you is still there.” His voice trembled. “Still in that cage.”
The breath I took evaporated, and like flint struck against oil, panic exploded, stoking the Primal essence. It rose in response, flooding my blood.
A faint tremor rocked the chamber as my fingers began to tingle. And…gods, I could feel all these parts inside of me thi
Ash stiffened, and then everything about him changed. The hazy outline of his wings collapsed. The frost retreated. The temperature increased. But that…
That last part wasn’t him.
It was me.
“It’s okay.” Ash spoke, but he sounded a hundred miles away. “Everything is okay, liessa.” He stepped toward me, lifting his left arm. There was something on his skin—something bluish-red.
Blood.
Dried blood that had seeped from small, half-moon cuts in his arm. My mouth dried. My nails…
I’d done that.
I’d done that to him. I just hadn’t seen it until now.
Violent energy surged through me, seeping into the air. The glow of the wall sconces flared through the chamber, brightening until the entire space was filled with light. Bulbs exploded, one after another.
Wind whipped through the open doors, lifting the curtains and knocking the glasses off the table, causing them to roll against each other. Causing them to rattle like the chains had as they’d been lifted, stretching my arms until I felt as if they would be torn from their sockets. My chest heaved, but nothing but the thi
“Sera,” Ash said softly as the chandelier swayed above me, casting strange, dancing shapes against the walls. “I need you to slow your breathing. Take a deep breath and hold it.”
I heard him. I understood. But all I could think about as I stared at him was that he knew. His features were stark, and…
And I felt like I was going to break.