A shadow in the ember

Chapter 32

From the moment I climbed into bed, I tossed and turned, falling asleep for only a few minutes before waking, finding myself staring at the doors to Ash’s chambers.

What I’d learned today haunted me, no matter how much I tried to stop it. The truth of what happened to the Chosen. The knowledge that so many gods were capable of such cruelty. The likely possibility that Kolis, the greatest Primal of them all, was aware of it. All of it circled and circled, despite the fact that none of it could matter. “Only Lasania,” I whispered to the quiet chamber.

I rolled onto my back, staring up at the shadowstone ceiling. But what if I succeeded? What if I stopped the Rot? What in the fuck was I saving Lasania from at the end of the day if the Primal of Life and the gods who served him took no issue with brutalizing the Chosen? The answer seemed simple. There were millions in Lasania, and only thousands of Chosen to be potentially taken. Did one sacrifice the few to save the many? I didn’t know, but it wasn’t like I didn’t realize that Ash’s demise would cause death as the Primal power was unleashed and found a new home. I didn’t even know why I was thinking about this.

I groaned as I shifted onto my side. I wouldn’t be here if I succeeded. I’d probably be destroyed—soul and all. The Chosen weren’t my problem. The politics of Iliseeum weren’t my problem.

Flipping onto my back and then side once more, frustration finally drove me from the bed. I tossed the cover aside, rising as I caught the ridiculously tiny sleeve of the nightgown Aios had placed in the wardrobe the first day. I tugged it up over my shoulder and padded barefoot across the stone floor. Grabbing the fur throw off the back of the chaise, I draped it over my shoulders, stepping out onto the balcony and into the silence of a Shadowlands’ night. I went to the railing, holding the blanket close as a rare breeze lifted loose strands of hair, tossing them across my face. The dark crimson leaves of the Red Woods swayed beyond the courtyard. How many gods were entombed there? Another random question that would—

“Can’t sleep either?”

I gasped, whirling toward the sound of Ash’s voice. He sat on the daybed outside his balcony doors. The silvery sheen of the stars above sluiced over the arm resting on one bent knee and the broad, bare expanse of his chest. My heart thumped even harder while the strangest urge to dash back inside and throw myself under the covers hit me.

Somehow, I managed not to do that. “I didn’t see you,” I said finally and then flushed. Obviously. “No, I can’t sleep.” I inched away from the railing. “How long have you been out here?”

“An hour. Maybe longer.”

“Is everything okay?” I asked.

He nodded. “In a way.”

I took another small step forward. “What does in a way mean?”

“In a way that things are okay because I’m alive,” he replied after a moment, and even though most of his features were cast in shadows, I felt the intensity of his gaze. “I can imagine why you’re not able to sleep after what you learned today.”

“My mind won’t shut down.”

“I know the feeling.”

I watched him. “Do you think of the Chosen often?”

“Always.” There was a long pause. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

He’d asked that once during a quiet supper we’d shared. He was concerned about how I was handling what I’d learned about the Chosen. And I…well, it was unusual for me to be on the receiving end of that. “I am.” I ran my foot along the smooth stone. “I may be prone to impulsivity as Sir Holland would say quite frequently, but I also have a rather practical mind.”

“You do?”

I shot him a dark look. “What I’m trying to say is that I deal with things. What I learned today? I will deal with it.”

He studied me from the shadows. “I know you will. That’s what you do. Deal with whatever is thrown your way.”

I lifted a shoulder.

He was quiet and then said, “Would you like to join me?”

A tripping sensation invaded my chest. “Sure.”

“You don’t sound too confident in that choice,” he said, and I heard the smile in his voice.

“No, I am confident in my choice. I’m just…surprised,” I admitted.

“Why?”

I shrugged once more as I got my legs moving, telling myself that this was a good surprise. Him wanting me to stay out here with him had to mean something. I sat beside him, staring ahead.

Ash was quiet for a couple of moments. “I wasn’t avoiding you today. I was at the Pillars.”

“I didn’t think you were.” I looked at him, tensing as I remembered something my mother had once taught me. Men don’t like to have to answer for their time not spent with you, she’d said. And considering what I’d done the day before, I should’ve remembered that piece of advice I would’ve otherwise ignored in another situation. “I mean, you don’t have to explain your whereabouts to me.”

His fingers moved restlessly in front of his bent knee. “I feel like I do after last night.”

Focusing on the tops of the trees beyond the wall, I resisted the urge to press my hand to my cheeks and see if they felt as hot as I thought they did.

“I feel like I also have to let you know that one of the reasons I can’t sleep is because I kept looking at the damn doors to your bedchambers.”

My gaze shot back to him.

“And then I lay there wondering why in the hell I placed your chambers beside mine. Sounded like a good idea,” he said, and my stomach rolled. “Now, I’m not so sure. Because I spent far too much time thinking that all I had to do was walk a couple of feet and that chamber wouldn’t be empty. You’d be there.”

The tripping sensation turned into a falling one. “And that is a bad thing?”

“Undecided.”

I laughed, looking away. “Well, I feel that I should let you know that I too was staring at those damn doors, and I’m only a few feet away and…”

“And what?” Shadows gathered in his voice.

“And I don’t mind engaging in bad ideas,” I told him.

Ash chuckled. “You wouldn’t, would you?”

I gri

“I know.”

My brows lifted as I looked over my shoulder at him. “How?”

“I saw you briefly when I returned to check in with the guards. I was busy but still fully aware of where you were. Who you were with. When you left.”

“Well… That sounds creepy.”

“I also talked to Rhahar and Bele.” He shifted forward enough that the starlight caressed his face. There was an amused tilt to his lips.

His lips were so expressive. “I also learned something interesting from them today.”

“About the bets the gods of other Courts are taking?” Ash asked.

I sighed. “Yes.”

“They shouldn’t have told you that. Both Rhahar and Bele often speak before they think.”

“Well, since I am well familiar with that, I can’t hold it against them,” I said. “Where has Bele been? Aios reacted as if she had been gone for a long time.”

“She is a bit of a huntress. Of information. She has a knack for moving about unseen, so she is usually in other Courts, attempting to uncover information that may be useful.”

“Useful for what?”

“You have a lot of questions.”

“You have a lot of answers.” I eyed him. “Is she someone who helps get the Chosen out of Dalos?”

“She is,” he confirmed.

I mulled that over. “Do they know about the deal your father made?”

“They don’t, but I am sure they suspect that not all is as it seems.”

I nodded slowly. I imagined anyone who knew Ash would have questions about him randomly appearing with a mortal Consort. “How did things go at the Pillars? Were there souls you had to judge yourself?”

“There were, and things went both good and bad. It’s never easy making that choice. Life is important, liessa, but what comes after is an eternity. I know many believe that things are black and white. That if you do this or that, you will be rewarded with paradise or punished.” He lifted his hand, brushing back a strand of hair that had fallen against his cheek. “It’s never simple. There are people who do terrible things, but that doesn’t always mean they’re terrible people.”

I twisted toward him, drawing a leg up onto the daybed. “You can say that because you see the soul exposed after death. You would know.”

“I do, but I still see the taint of whatever they did. It overshadows a lot of the good, but some exist in a shade of gray where they are not as easy to judge as the person who prays to the gods to end the lives of others would be.”

My brows lifted. “People pray for that?”

“I have lost count of how many times someone has come to the Shadow Temple, summoning a god to cause death upon another. I…” He exhaled slowly. “There was a time that I would answer those summonses.”

I stilled. Gods often answered summonses, but he must have been like his father.

“I would enter the Shadow Temple and hear the words mortals spoke. Listen to the favors they requested—the lives they wanted to end. I knew immediately that some were bad. Spoiled and rotten to the core,” he told me. “They asked for death for profit or because of some petty slight. Their motives were a pestilence, one I knew I couldn’t allow to spread. They didn’t leave the Temple.”

My fingers loosened on the blanket. I had a feeling I knew why they didn’t leave.

“And then there were others.” His fingers had stilled, but they were stiff. “Those who asked for the death of another because they sought relief from a brutal employer or an abusive father. Some who were pushed to their breaking points and saw no other option because there was none. Even if those people didn’t harm another, the intent was still there. Should they be punished? Should they be treated differently? What of those who kill to protect themselves or another? They are not like the others, but their crimes are the same.”

“How…how do you know what to do?”

“All I can do is look at their life as a whole. And each time I sentence a soul, I always wonder if it was the right choice. Was I punishing someone who didn’t deserve it? Or was I letting someone off too easily? I ask that every time, even though I know I will never have an answer.”

“I can’t imagine making that choice,” I admitted. “What did you do for the ones you answered? Those asking for the death of another because they were being hurt?”

 “I did not make a deal with them. I do not ever make deals. But I did grant the favor they sought.” A muscle clenched along his jaw as he stared ahead. “I found the person and ended it. I told myself I didn’t enjoy it. That I was removing evil from the realm.”