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“I spent a long time traveling. When I was human, I became a guard so I could see the world. That and… well, look at me.” He gestured to himself with a half-smile. “What else was I going to do with myself? I could choose between blacksmith and soldier, and only one of those didn’t require me to stare at horses’ asses all day.”
“You could’ve been a chef,” I countered, and when he laughed—an actual laugh—the sound of it loosened something in my chest.
“Maybe I should have. Just spent my whole life fattening up a simple, happy wife and having a simple, happy family, and I’d be long in the ground getting much more rest than I do now.”
It did seem nice. It also seemed… smaller than him.
“But the truth is, I didn’t even get to travel much when I was human,” he went on. “So when I was free, I went everywhere. The whole of the House of Night. All the islands. The House of Shadow, House of Blood—”
House of Blood? No one went to the House of Blood.
“It was about as morbid as you’d expect,” he said, at my raised eyebrows. “I even traveled the human lands. Realized I could pass, if I was careful. But… after awhile, I think I realized I was ru
Those words held so much more weight now that I understood his background. “Oh.”
“Mische reminded me of her, in some ways. The good, and the flaws. Both of them saw so much beauty in the world. But they also both had that… that fucking naiveté. That willful ignorance of what it takes to actually make that kind of reality.”
He paused for a long moment of thought.
“Those seventy years with him had been… bad. But I met a lot of good people who were suffering, too. People that Nessanyn was trying to care for, even when she was drowning. Rishan people, who were now more trapped than ever. And I should have fought for them when it all collapsed, but I didn’t. I didn’t know how—or maybe I did and wished I didn’t.”
I thought with new horror of the hundreds of wings pi
“So you came here.”
“I didn’t think those responsibilities were mine for a long time. Mische disagreed. She forced my hand. Entered the Kejari first. Knew I wouldn’t let her do it alone.”
My brows leapt. Entering the Kejari just to force him to do it… to call it extreme was an understatement. She very well could have been sacrificing her life.
I must have made a face, because Raihn let out a dark, humorless laugh. “I was ready to fucking kill her myself. Stupidest thing she possibly could have done. And mark my words, I would have found a way to get her out. One way or another.” His face softened. “But that’s Mische. Impulsive as shit. But always, always well-intentioned. More than she has any right to be, after all she’s seen. Sometimes foolishly so. I love Mische like a sister, but… I worry about her. The world isn’t flowers and sunshine. She doesn’t realize—”
“—that you have to fight hard enough to leave a mark,” I finished. “That it isn’t easy to clean.”
His eyes fell to me. The familiarity of them, like a mirror, struck me deep. “Exactly.”
The world was not easy or straightforward. Goodness was never pure or simple.
When I first met Raihn, I thought we would never understand each other. But now, for the first time, I felt like someone was really seeing me—seeing the world as I did.
I became aware of the warmth of his skin under my palm, the thrum of his heartbeat. If I were to kill him, I would need to put my blade right there. Replace this caress with a strike.
And maybe… maybe I couldn’t do it. Maybe I didn’t want to. Raihn had people to save. Mine were gone. Who deserved this more?
I couldn’t voice this. But I had never been able to hide my darkest thoughts from him, not even when I needed to the most. He saw right through me.
“But then,” he said softly, “I met someone who still managed to find defiance where I thought it didn’t exist anymore.”
My throat tightened. Defiance. He made it sound so noble.
“A stupid dream,” I choked out. “As if gutting a few vampire scumbags in the alleys means anything. As if it changes anything.”
“Stop.” The word was a sharp rebuke. “You found a way to defend your world when everyone told you that you shouldn’t. Do you know how fucking hard that is? How rare? I wish I had fought the way you do. That is strength.”
Was it strength to lash out against a steel wall? Or did that make me just another naive dreamer?
“I don’t know why I’m doing any of this anymore.” My hand wandered to the pile of my clothes on the other end of the bed, fingertips playing at the hilt of my blade. I withdrew it, observing the dark steel in the lantern light. Orange dripped along the swirls etched into its length.
I’d been so honored to wield this weapon. But how many like it had been used to murder people with blood like mine?
How badly did I have to injure myself, I wondered, for Nyaxia to accept my withdrawal?
Raihn could defeat Angelika. He could certainly defeat Ibrihim. And he could seize that wish and use the goddess’s power to help those who needed him.
As if he could hear my thoughts, he grabbed my hand, tight.
“Look at me, Oraya.”
I didn’t want to—I would see too much, he would see too much—but I did anyway.
“You are more than what he made you,” he said. “Do you understand? That isn’t the strength. The shit he tried to carve out of you is. You have every reason to keep going. Now more than ever. And I say this knowing—knowing how stupid it is for me, of all people, to say it.”
He wasn’t talking about the Kejari. He was talking about something bigger. And his fingers clutched mine, trembling, as he hissed, “So don’t you fucking dare stop fighting, princess. It would break my damned heart.”
My eyes stung.
I wouldn’t admit it. But it would break mine if he did, too.
“Then you’d better not, either,” I said. “Swear that to me. We’re in this now. We knew what we were getting into. Nothing has changed.”
Everything had changed.
But Raihn paused, then inclined his chin. “Deal. If we fight, then we fight to the end. Whatever end that may be. Whoever’s blood needs to spill to win it.”
I thought I would feel better, like we had restored some piece of our relationship to what it was before.
I didn’t. We hadn’t.
I glanced to the curtain-draped windows. The light beneath them was now scarlet.
“The sun’s going down,” I said. “Don’t you want one last look?”
And Raihn didn’t hesitate—didn’t look away from me once—as he answered, “No,” and kissed me.
I had never so dreaded nightfall.
It came nonetheless. I was expecting the little thread of shadow in our room, Nyaxia’s beckoning hand, but the sight still made my breath burn in my lungs. When it appeared, Raihn and I rolled out of bed and put our armor back on without a word.
Before we left the room—left it for the final time—we stopped and looked at each other.
“It has been a pleasure, princess,” he said.
I watched his lips curl. Mother, those perfect lips.
I thought about kissing him one last time. Thought about winding my arms around his neck and never letting go. Dragging him back to bed and refusing to leave. At least we’d die happy when Nyaxia struck us down.
I did none of those things.
I didn’t know how Raihn could possibly call me brave. I was a fucking coward.
“It’s been…” I shrugged. The smirk crinkled my eyes without my permission. “Tolerable. I guess.”
He laughed. “There she is,” he said, and opened the door.
Angelika and Ibrihim were already waiting with the Ministaer. Ibrihim did not look at us. Angelika’s typically hard face was even harder than usual, her eyes sharp as daggers as she watched us approach. They were rimmed with red.
The curse? Or had she spent the last day weeping over Ivan’s death?
The door appeared as it always did, with little fanfare. The Ministaer wished us luck and ushered us through. Ibrihim went first. He could barely walk. His wings hung down behind him, broken dead weight.
Next, Angelika.
And then it was only us.
Everything I couldn’t say threatened to drown me. Words weren’t enough. Yet without my permission, just before we crossed the threshold, I grabbed Raihn’s hand—squeezed it hard, hard, hard—and oh, Mother, I couldn’t let him go, I couldn’t do this.
Our steps slowed. No one else would have noticed it, this split-second of hesitation. But for me, a million possibilities lived in that moment.
Fantasies. Fairytales. Useless dreams.
I smashed them on the marble ground, pulled my hand away, and walked through the threshold.