Plum Lovin'

"Where'd he go?" I asked the bartender. "Did you see him leave?"

"I saw him get off the stool, but then he got lost in the crowd."

I left money on the bar and went outside to Diesel.

"He's gone," I said. "We were talking, and he got agitated, and he split."

Diesel was lounging against my car. "I saw him for a second when he walked through the door. A couple people came out with him, and somehow he disappeared behind them before I could get to him." Diesel pushed off from the car, went to the drivers side door, angled himself in behind the wheel, and turned the key in the ignition. "Let's go-"

"Wait a minute. This is my car. I drive."

"Everybody knows the guy gets to drive."

"Not in Jersey."

"Especially in Jersey," Diesel said. "The testosterone level in Jersey is fifteen percent higher than it is in any other state."

4

It was still early, so we stopped at a supermarket on the way home.

"What about the shopping cart?" I asked Diesel. "Do you have to drive that, too?"

"I'd get my nuts repossessed if I didn't drive the shopping cart."

A half hour later, we loaded our food onto the checkout belt, and Diesel gave his credit card to the checker.

"Boy, you've got lots of food," the checker said.

"A man's gotta eat," Diesel told her.

I took a peek at the card. "There's no bank name on this card," I whispered to Diesel.

"It's an Unmentionable card," he said. "Good in three solar systems."

I was pretty sure he was kidding.

I crammed the last of the food into my kitchen… lunch meat, beer, cheese, peanut butter, pickles, bagels, ice cream, cereal, milk, orange juice, apples, bananas, bread, cream cheese, coffee, half-and-half, crackers, cookies, chips, salsa, carrots, mixed nuts, and God-knows-what-else.

Diesel took a bag of chips and a beer into the living room and remoted the television on. "This is great," he said. "I can catch the end of the hockey game."

I settled next to him and reached into the chip bag. Bob had been sleeping in the bedroom, but the rustle of a chip bag was a Bob alarm, and in a beat Bob was up and expectantly standing in front of me. I fed him a couple chips, and he flopped down on the floor with his head on my foot.

"Beaner isn't such a bad guy" I said. "He's just frustrated. He's been married for a long time, and all of a sudden his wife isn't satisfied with the status quo. I think Beaner would like to fix things, but he just doesn't know how to get up to speed. He doesn't know how to go about talking to his wife. And he says, according to his wife, he sucks in the sack."

"So give him a pill."

"It's not about that. Women don't care about that. That's a man problem."

"Yeah, I get it," Diesel said. "But a pill would have been easy. This is just plain embarrassing. Maybe I don't have to shut him down. Maybe we can reprogram him."

"We?"

"Unmentionables who've crossed the line aren't happy to see me. And bad things happen when Beaner isn't happy. So either you're going to have to convince him to chill and talk to me, or else you're going to have to get him alone somewhere. I can't seem to follow Beaner, but I can follow you."

"What about his listening-and-understanding problem?"

"I suck at that," Diesel said. "That's girl stuff. You're going to have to explain that to him."

"Only if you help me with A

Diesel's cell phone buzzed.

"Yeah," Diesel said into the phone. "Now what?"

He slouched deeper into the couch and listened with his mouth set tight. "Yeah," he said. "I hear you. I'm working on it. Send everyone a case of whatever the hell it is they need."

"And?" I said when he disco

"Beaner can't find A

The next call was from A

"I'm working on it," Diesel said. "I can't approach him in public and have him contaminate a room filled with i

Diesel disco

"How'd that go?" I asked him. "Does she trust you?"

"Not even a little. She's coming over here."

"What about Bernie? I thought it wasn't safe for A

"She'll get help," Diesel said. "She'll be okay."

I took another handful of chips, fed a couple to Bob, and turned my attention back to the game. A few minutes later, my doorbell rang. Diesel got the door and ushered A

Diesel introduced us. "A

I stood and extended my hand. "It's a pleasure."

"Have you seen the files?" she asked me.

"Yes."

"It's very important that you help these people have a good Valentine's Day. And it's so close. Today is Friday and Valentine's Day is Monday. Of course, the real goal is lifelong love, but truthfully, that's icing on the cake." She flicked her eyes at Diesel. "We all love Diesel, but relationships aren't his strength. Diesel runs on pure testosterone, and relationships need a little estrogen."

"Pure testosterone… that would explain his wardrobe," I said.

A

"Exactly," A

"You have to go with what you've got," Diesel said.

"I have a good feeling about you," A

"Can I get you something?" I asked. "Coffee? A drink?"

"I'd love that, but I promised this would be short. Perhaps when everything is settled we can visit. I know you have some romance problems."

I shot a look at Diesel. "Blabbermouth."

"Oh dear, no," A

"No plans so far. I guess Diesel and I will be finishing things up for you."

"My word, you're not going to spend Valentine's Day with Diesel, are you?"

"I hadn't actually thought about it."

"Not a good idea," A

"We don't have that sort of relationship," I told her.

"If you spend enough time in his company, the pheromones will wear you down… and the dimples."

"Diesel has dimples?"

"Just ignore them," A

And A

"Did she just disappear?" I asked Diesel.

Diesel was sunk into the couch. "I don't know. I wasn't watching. I've got hockey on, and the Rangers scored a goal."