Vanish

“Or you get sucked into something a lot more dangerous than we realize.” Gabriel tossed the tabloid down on the kitchen table. “We have to set this up through Moore. Boston PD can screen and monitor the calls. This needs to be thought out first.” He looked at her. “Cancel it, Jane.”

“I can’t. I told you, it’s too late.”

“Jesus. I run over to the field office for two hours, and come home to find my wife’s playing dialing for danger in our kitchen.”

“Gabriel, it’s only a two-line ad in the personals. Either someone calls me back, or no one takes the bait.”

“What if someone does?”

“Then I’ll let Moore handle it.”

“You’ll let him?” Gabriel gave a laugh. “This is his job, not yours. You’re on maternity leave, remember?”

As if to emphasize the point, a loud wail suddenly erupted from the nursery. Jane went to retrieve her daughter, and found Regina had, as usual, kicked her way free of the blanket and was flailing her fists, outraged that her demands were not being instantly met. No one’s happy with me today, thought Jane as she lifted Regina from the crib. She directed the baby’s hungry mouth to her breast and winced as little gums clamped down. I’m trying to be a good mom, she thought, I really am, but I’m tired of smelling like sour milk and talcum powder. I’m tired of being tired.

I used to chase bad guys, you know.

She carried her baby into the kitchen and stood rocking from leg to leg, trying to keep Regina content, even as her own temper was about to combust.

“Even if I could, I wouldn’t cancel the ad anyway,” she said defiantly. She watched as Gabriel crossed to the phone. “Who are you calling?”

“ Moore. He takes over from here.”

“It’s my cell phone. My idea.”

“It’s not your investigation.”

“I’m not saying I need to run the show. I gave them a specific time and date. How about we all sit together that night and wait to see who calls? You, me, and Moore. I just want to be there when it rings.”

“You need to back off on this, Jane.”

“I’m already part of this.”

“You have Regina. You’re a mother.”

“But I’m not dead. Are you listening to me? I’m. Not. Dead.”

Her words seemed to hang in the air, her fury still reverberating like a clash of cymbals. Regina suddenly stopped suckling and opened her eyes to stare at her mother in astonishment. The refrigerator gave a rattle and went still.

“I never said you were,” Gabriel said quietly.

“But I might as well be, the way you talk. Oh, you have Regina. You have a more important job now. You need to stay home and make milk and let your brain rot. I’m a cop, and I need to go back to work. I miss it. I miss having my goddamn beeper go off.” She took a breath and sat down at the kitchen table, her breath escaping in a sob of frustration. “I’m a cop,” she whispered.

He sat down across from her. “I know you are.”

“I don’t think you do.” She wiped a hand across her face. “You don’t get who I am at all. You think you married someone else. Mrs. Perfect Mommy.”

“I know exactly who I married.”

“Reality’s a bitch, ain’t it? And so am I.”

“Well.” He nodded. “Sometimes.”

“It’s not like I didn’t warn you.” She rose to her feet. Regina was still strangely quiet, still staring at Jane as though Mommy had suddenly become interesting enough to watch. “You know who I am, and it’s always been take it or leave it.” She started out of the kitchen.

“Jane.”

“ Regina needs her diaper changed.”

“Damn it, you’re ru

She turned back to him. “I don’t run from fights.”

“Then sit down with me. Because I’m not ru

For a moment she just looked at him. And she thought: This is so hard. Being married is so hard and scary, and he’s right about my wanting to run. All I really want to do is retreat to a place where no one can hurt me.

She pulled out the chair and sat down.

“Things have changed, you know,” he said. “It’s not like before, when we didn’t have Regina.”

She said nothing, still angry that he’d agreed she was a bitch. Even if it was true.

“Now if something happens to you, you’re not the only one who gets hurt. You have a daughter. You have other people to think about.”

“I signed up for motherhood, not prison.”

“Are you saying you’re sorry we had her?”

She looked down at Regina. Her daughter was staring up, wide-eyed, as though she understood every word being said. “No, of course not. It’s just…” She shook her head. “I’m more than just her mother. I’m me, too. But I’m losing myself, Gabriel. Every day, I feel like I’m disappearing a little more. Like the Cheshire Cat in Wonderland. Every day it seems harder and harder to remember who I was. Then you come home and get ticked off at me for placing that ad. Which, you have to admit, is a brilliant idea. And I think: Okay, now I’m really lost. Even my own husband has forgotten who I am.”

He leaned forward, his gaze burning a hole in her. “Do you know what it was like for me, when you were trapped in that hospital? Do you have any idea? You think you’re so tough. You strap on a weapon and suddenly you’re Wonder Woman. But if you get hurt, you’re not the only one who bleeds, Jane. I do, too. Do you ever think of me?”

She said nothing.

He laughed, but it came out the sound of a wounded animal. “Yeah, I’m a pain in the ass, always trying to protect you from yourself. Someone has to do it, because you are your own worst enemy. You never stop trying to prove yourself. You’re still Frankie Rizzoli’s despised little sister. A girl. You’re still not good enough for the boys to play with, and you never will be.”

She just stared back at him, resenting how well he knew her. Resenting the accuracy of his arrows, which had so cruelly hit their mark.

“Jane.” He reached across the table. Before she could pull away, his hand was on hers, holding on with no intention of releasing her. “You don’t need to prove yourself to me, or Frankie, or anyone else. I know it’s hard for you right now, but you’ll be back at work before you know it. So give the adrenaline a rest. Give me a rest. Let me enjoy just having my wife and daughter safe at home for a while.”

He still held her hand captive on the table. She looked down at their hands and thought: This man never wavers. No matter how hard I push against him, he is always right there for me. Whether I deserve him or not. Slowly their fingers linked in a silent armistice.

The phone rang.

Regina gave a wail.

“Well.” Gabriel sighed. “That moment of peace didn’t last long.” Shaking his head, he rose to answer the call. Jane was just carrying Regina out of the kitchen when she heard him say: “You’re right. Let’s not talk about this on the phone.”

Instantly she was alert, turning to search his face for the reason his voice had suddenly dropped. But he was facing the wall, and she focused instead on the knotted muscles of his neck.

“We’ll be waiting for you,” he said, and hung up.

“Who was that?”

“Maura. She’s on her way over.”