Vanish

“It’s not just the baby. It’s also…” Jane paused. Said, quietly: “It’s the dreams.”

He pulled a chair close to hers and sat down. “What dreams are you talking about?”

“The same one over and over. About that night, in the hospital. In my dream, I know something terrible has happened, but I can’t move, I can’t talk. I can feel blood on my face, I can taste it. And I’m so scared that…” She took a deep breath. “I’m scared to death that it’s your blood.”

“It’s only been three days, Jane. You’re still processing what happened.”

“I just want it to go away.”

“You need time to get past the nightmares.” He added, quietly: “We both do.”

She looked up at his tired eyes, his unshaven face. “You’re having them, too?”

He nodded. “Aftershocks.”

“You didn’t tell me.”

“It would be surprising if we weren’t having nightmares.”

“What are yours about?”

“You. The baby…” He stopped, and his gaze slid away. “It’s not something I really want to talk about.”

They were silent for a moment, neither one looking at the other. A few feet away, their daughter slept soundly in her crib, the only one in the family untroubled by nightmares. This is what love does to you, Jane thought. It makes you afraid, not brave. It gives the world carnivorous teeth that are poised at any moment to rip away chunks of your life.

Gabriel reached out and took both her hands in his. “Come on, sweetheart,” he said softly. “Let’s go back to bed.”

They turned off the light in the nursery and slipped into the shadows of their own bedroom. Under cool sheets he held her. Darkness lightened to gray outside their window, and the sounds of dawn drifted in. To a city girl, the roar of a garbage truck, the thump of car radios, were as familiar as a lullaby. As Boston roused itself to meet the day, Jane finally slept.

She awakened to the sound of singing. For a moment she wondered if this was yet another dream, but a far happier one, knit from long-ago memories of her childhood. She opened her eyes to see sunlight winking through the blinds. It was already two in the afternoon, and Gabriel was gone.

She rolled out of bed and shuffled barefoot into the kitchen. There she stopped, blinking at the unexpected sight of her mother, Angela, seated at the breakfast table, the baby in her arms. Angela looked up at her befuddled daughter.

“Two bottles already. This one sure knows how to eat.”

“Mom. You’re here.”

“Did I wake you up? I’m sorry.”

“When did you get here?”

“A few hours ago. Gabriel said you needed to sleep in.”

Jane gave a bewildered laugh. “He called you?”

“Who else is he supposed to call? You have another mother somewhere?”

“No, I’m just…” Jane sank into a chair and rubbed her eyes. “I’m not quite awake yet. Where is he?”

“He left a little while ago. Got a call from that Detective Moore and rushed off.”

“What was the call about?”

“I don’t know. Some police business. There’s fresh coffee there. And you should wash your hair. You look like a cave woman. When did you eat last?”

“Di

“Chinese? Well, that doesn’t last long. Make yourself breakfast, have some coffee. I’ve got everything under control here.”

Yeah, Mom. You always did.

Jane didn’t rise from the chair, but just sat for a moment, watching Angela hold her wide-eyed granddaughter. Saw the baby’s tiny hands reach up to explore Angela’s smiling face.

“How did you do it, Mom?” Jane asked.

“Just feed her. Sing to her. She likes attention is all.”

“No, I meant how did you raise three of us? I never realized how hard it must’ve been, having three kids in five years.” She added, with a laugh: “Especially since one of us was Frankie.”

“Ha! Your brother wasn’t the hard one. You were.”

“Me?”

“Crying all the time. Woke up every three hours. With you, there was no such thing as sleeping like a baby. Frankie was still crawling around in diapers, and I was up all night walking you back and forth. Got no help from your father. You’re lucky, at least Gabriel, he tries to do his part. But your dad?” Angela snorted. “Said the smell of diapers made him gag, so he wouldn’t do it. Like I had a choice. He runs off to work every morning, and there I was with you two, and Mikey on the way. Frankie with his little hands in everything. And you crying your head off.”

“Why did I cry so much?”

“Some babies are born screamers. They refuse to be ignored.”

Well, that explains it, thought Jane, looking at her baby. I got what I deserved. I got myself for a daughter.

“So how did you manage?” Jane asked again. “Because I’m having so much trouble with this. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“You should just do what I did when I thought I was going crazy. When I couldn’t stand another hour, another minute trapped in that house.”

“What did you do?”

“I picked up the phone and called my mother.” Angela looked up at her. “You call me, Janie. That’s what I’m here for. God put mothers on this earth for a reason. Now, I’m not saying it takes a village to raise a kid.” She lowered her gaze back to the baby in her arms. “But it sure does help to have a grandma.”

Jane watched Angela coo to the baby and thought: Oh Mom, I never realized how much I still need you. Do we ever stop needing our mothers?

Blinking away tears, she abruptly rose from her chair and turned to the counter to pour herself a cup of coffee. Stood there sipping it as she arched her back, stretching stiff muscles. For the first time in three days she felt rested, almost back to her old self. Except that everything has changed, she thought. Now I’m a mom.

“You’re just the prettiest thing, aren’t you, Regina?”

Jane glanced at her mother. “We haven’t really picked a name yet.”

“You have to call her something. Why not your grandmother’s name?”

“It has to hit me just right, you know? If she’s go

“ Regina is a beautiful name. It means queenly, you know.”

“Like I want to give the kid ideas?”

“Well, what are you going to call her?”

Jane spotted the Name Your Baby book on the countertop. She refreshed her cup of coffee and sipped it as she flipped through pages, feeling a little desperate now. If I don’t choose soon, she thought, it’s going to be Regina by default.

Yolanthe. Yseult. Zerlena.

Oh, man. Regina was sounding better and better. The queen baby.

She set the book down. Frowned at it for a moment, then picked it up again and flipped to the M’s. To the name that had caught her eye last night.

Mila.

Again she felt that cold breath whisper up her spine. I know I have heard this name before, she thought. Why does it give me such a chill? I need to remember. It’s important that I remember…

The phone rang, startling her. She dropped the book, and it slapped onto the floor.

Angela frowned at her. “You go

Jane took a breath and picked up the receiver. It was Gabriel.

“I hope I didn’t wake you.”

“No, I’m just having coffee with Mom.”

“Is it okay that I called her?”

She glanced at Angela, who was carrying the baby into the other room to change diapers. “You’re a genius. Did I tell you that?”

“I think I should call Mama Rizzoli more often.”

“I slept for eight hours straight. I can’t believe what a difference that makes. My brain’s actually functioning again.”

“Then maybe you’re ready to deal with this.”

“What?”

“ Moore called me a little while ago.”

“Yeah, I heard.”

“We’re here now, at Shroeder Plaza. Jane, they got back a match on IBIS. A cartridge case with identical firing pin impressions. It was in the ATF database.”

“Which cartridge case are we talking about?”