A Phule and His Money

"You put on a pretty convincin' show," said Johnson, with a grudging nod. "Them cats can move. And they're only part of what you got. Make a dude stop and think."

"Yeah," said Harry. "You do that, Stonecutter, and maybe nobody gets hurt. OK?"

"Hey, Harry, we been thinkin'. OK?" said Johnson. "When we got word that you was on this station, the club took a vote. Maybe it'll surprise you to know that some of, the new guys didn't think it was worth comin' after you, after so many years. But us old-timers remembered what you done to our bikes, and payback is payback, no matter how long it's been."

"Don't matter if there ain't but two of us left alive," growled Joe the Blade. His fingers twitched in the vicinity of his vibroblade sheath, but then he remembered it was empty. He punched his fist into his empty palm, with a curse. Behind him, the Synthian guard took a tighter grip on his shotgun.

"What the hell is this?" said Chocolate Harry, turning to Phule. "Cap'n, you said they was comin' to talk!"

"We're talkin', ain't we?" said the woman Renegade, with a gap-toothed grin that conveyed very little warmth. "Didn't say we was go

"Easy now, all of you," said Phule. "I don't ask you to be friends after so long, but I do think we can arrive at some way to solve your problems. You Renegades have brought a grievance against Chocolate Harry, perhaps a legitimate one-I don't think he denies that there was some incident in the past."

"Damn straight there was a freakin' incident," growled Stonecutter Johnson. "Harry's a freakin' liar if he says anything else."

"I'd appreciate it if you'd do without the profanity," said Phule, his voice suddenly cold. "Whatever the merits of your argument, that sort of language adds nothing to it. Now, what we're here for is to find a way to end this feud, because frankly it's an impediment to the Legion's operation."

"It shouldn't be too hard to end the feud," said Asteroid A

"Harry might surprise you," said Phule, calmly. "But that's not how we're going to solve this. The Legion looks after its own. If you attack my sergeant, you'll find out what it means to take on a full Legion company. And the same goes for any other member of my command."

Stonecutter Johnson put a hand on the woman's shoulder. "That's right, A

"A-men, Stony. Things ain't like they used to be," agreed Joe the Blade. His face took on a wistful expression, and he added, "It must be five, six years since I last cut somebody's ears off." He scratched his scraggly beard, and gazed speculatively at the supply sergeant.

"Cap'n!" Harry squawked. "You go

"Kick ass!" came Louie's translated voice, and the little Synthian brandished his shotgun. "Blow them away!"

"Now who's makin' threats?" snarled Stonecutter. "Cap'n, I didn't think you was lurin' us into a ambush, but if that's how you're playin' it, I'm ready to snaggle." He struck a defensive martial arts pose, and his cohorts followed suit.

"Everyone calm down," barked Phule. "Louie, put that weapon away. These people came here unarmed, in good faith, and that's how we're going to play it. Now, Chocolate Harry, if I understand the situation, these people accuse you of tampering with their hovercycles."

"Well..." Harry began.

"Tamperin' ain't the word for it," shouted Asteroid A

"And he poured Insta-Stick glue on the seats, so we couldn't get off without taking off our jeans," said Joe the Blade, shaking his fist.

"And he put helium in the reaction tanks and burned out the mass converters," said Stonecutter Johnson. "Any man that'd do that to somebody else's hawg...well, he ain't fit to ride, Cap'n. He ain't...fit...to ride."

"Is this true, Harry?" Phule turned to his supply sergeant.

"Well, Cap'n, it was like this..." Harry began again.

"The explanations can wait, Harry. There's only one thing I need to know right now: Is what they're saying true?"

Chocolate Harry pulled himself up to his full height and saluted. "Yes, sir!" he barked.

"That's all I wanted to know," said Phule. "At ease, Sergeant. I told you the Legion protects its own, and I meant it. But these people are entitled to some recompense for what you did to them, and I mean to see that they get it. It's the only way to end this standoff, and to get back to our real business."

"What you go

"Yeah, man, what you go

"Nothing," said Phule. Then, as the others' mouths opened in protest, he held up a hand. "Nothing to ham, that is. We're going to follow an old maxim: `Let the punishment fit the crime.' Sergeant, where is your hovercycle?"

"Cap'n!" Harry dropped to his knees like a felled ox. "Cap'n, let 'em cut my ears off! Let 'em tattoo me paisley from head to toe with a dull needle! Let 'em throw me out the airlock, but Cap'n, please don't let 'em have my hawg!"

"Cuttin' them ears off would be fun," said Joe the Blade, gri

"Yeah, go ahead, cut 'em off," bawled Harry. "Cut 'em both off, and shave me with a ripsaw, and then boil me in Chinese mustard. But don't mess with my hawg!"

"Where's the hovercycle?" repeated Phule. "No more delays, Harry. I'll have the cycle or I'll have your stripes."

"Sure, bust me back to buck private, Cap'n," said Harry, still on his knees. "Bust me all the way back, and throw me in the stockade, and dump the key in a black hole, and feed me on sawdust and battery acid. I won't complain, no sir, not one word, long as you don't let 'em have my hawg."

"Hey, man," said Stonecutter Johnson, stepping up to Phule. "We don't care what you do with his fat ass. It was our bikes he screwed with. Give us the hawg and we don't care what else happens to him."

"Is that so?" said Phule. "Will you stick by that? If I give you the hovercycle, will you drop your grudge against Harry?"

"Let us have the hawg, to do whatever we want with it," said Stonecutter, leering. "After that, it's over. Stonecutter Johnson says so, and what Stonecutter says, no Renegade's go

"Nothin' but right," said Asteroid A

"Very well, then," said Phule. "Harry-the bike."

Sobbing incoherently, the supply sergeant pointed to a door in back of the supply office. Phule strode over and opened it, to reveal a shining hovercycle-a machine gorgeous enough to make any rider drool. The Renegades let out a collective gasp at the sight. "It's yours," said Phule. "Take it and go-and I'll hold you to your word. The Space Legion will hold you to your word."

"No need for that," said Stonecutter Johnson. "We got more than we ever expected. Chocolate Harry, the feud is off. You don't got nothing ever to fear from us again."

"Thanks a million," said the supply sergeant bitterly. "I'd rather you'd cut my ears off. Don't stand there and rub it in-take the hawg and go."

"You ain't gotta ask me twice," said Johnson. He gestured to his cohorts, and the three Renegades walked the cycle out of the supply depot, gri

There was a moment of silence, as they all stared at the door. Then Harry said in a near-whisper, "Great goda'mighty, Cap'n-I think it worked!"