Ham On Rye

Igor had a car and a gallon of rum. We met in front of Baldy's house, Igor passed the bottle. Good stuff, it really burned the membranes of the throat, Igor drove his car like a tank, right through stop signals. People blew their horns and slammed on their brakes and he waved a fake black pistol at them.

"Hey, Igor," said Baldy, "show Hank your pistol."

Igor was driving. Baldy and I were in the back. Igor passed me his pistol. I looked at it.

"It's great!" Baldy said. "He carved it out of wood and stained it with black shoe polish. Looks real, doesn't it?"

"Yeah," I said. "He's even drilled a hole in the barrel."

I handed the gun back to Igor. "Very nice," I said. He handed back the jug of rum. I took a hit and handed the bottle to Baldy. He looked at me and said, "Heil Hitler!"

We were the last to arrive. It was a large handsome house. We were met at the door by a fat smiling boy who looked like he had spent a lifetime eating chestnuts by the fire. His parents didn't seem to be about. His name was Larry Kearny. We followed him through the big house and down a long dark stairway. All I could see was Kearny's shoulders and head. He was certainly a well-fed fellow and looked to be far saner than Baldy, Igor or myself. Maybe there would be something to learn here.

Then we were in the cellar. We found some chairs. Fenster nodded to us. There were seven others there whom I didn't know. There was a desk on a raised platform. Larry walked up and stood behind the desk. Behind him on the wall was a large American flag. Larry stood very straight. "We will now pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America!"

My god, I thought, I am in the wrong place! We stood and took the pledge, but I stopped after "I pledge allegiance…" I didn't say to what.

We sat down. Larry started talking from behind the desk. He explained that since this was the first meeting, he would preside. After two or three meetings, after we got to know one another, a president could be elected if we wished. But meanwhile…

"We face here, in America, two threats to our liberty. We face the communist scourge.and the black takeover. Most often they work hand in hand. We true Americans will gather here in an attempt to counter this scourge, this menace. It has gotten so that no decent white girl can walk the streets anymore without being accosted by a black male!"

Igor leaped up. "We'll kill them!"

"The communists want to divide the wealth for which we have worked so long, which our fathers labored for, and their fathers before them worked for. The communists want to give our money to every black man, homo, bum, murderer and child molester who walks our streets!"

"We'll kill them!"

"They must be stopped."

"We'll arm!"

"Yes, we'll arm! And we'll meet here and formulate a master plan to save America!"

The fellows cheered. Two or three of them yelled, "Heil Hitler!" Then the get-to-know-each-other time arrived.

Larry passed out cold beers and we stood around in little groups talking, not much being said, except we reached a general agreement that we needed target practice so that we would be expert with our guns when the time came.

When we got back to Igor's house his parents didn't seem to be about, either, Igor got out a frying pan, put in four cubes of butter, and began to melt them. He took the rum, put it in a large pot and warmed it up.

"This is what men drink," he said. Then he looked at Baldy.

"Are you a man, Baldy?"

Baldy was already drunk. He stood very straight, hands down at his sides. "YES, I'M A MAN!" He started to weep. The tears came rolling down. "I'M A MAN!" He stood very straight and yelled, "HEIL HITLER!" the tears rolling. Igor looked at me. "Are you a man?"

"I don't know. Is that rum ready?"

"I'm not sure I trust you. I'm not so sure that you are one of us. Are you a counter-spy? Are you an enemy agent?"

"No."

"Are you one of us?"

"I don't know. Only one thing I'm sure of."

"What's that?"

"I don't like you. Is the rum ready?"

" You see?" said Baldy. "I told you he was mean!"

"We'll see who is the meanest before the night is ended," said Igor.

Igor poured the melted butter into the boiling rum, then shut off the flame and stirred. I didn't like him but he certainly was different and I liked that. Then he found three drinking cups, large, blue, with Russian writing on them. He poured the buttered rum into the cups.

"O.K.,"he said, "drink up!"

"Shit, it's about time," I said and I let it slide down. It was a little too hot and it stank.

I watched Igor drink his. I saw his little pea eyes over the rim of his cup. He managed to get it down, driblets of golden buttered rum leaking out of the corners of his stupid mouth. He was looking at Baldy. Baldy was standing, staring down into his cup. I knew from the old days that Baldy just didn't have a natural love of drinking.

Igor stared at Baldy. "Drink up!"

"Yes, Igor, yes…"

Baldy lifted the blue cup. He was having a difficult time. It was too hot for him and he didn't like the taste. Half of it ran out of his mouth and over his chin and onto his shirt. His empty cup fell to the kitchen floor.

Igor squared himself in front of Baldy.

"You're not a man!"

"I AM A MAN, IGOR! I AM A MAN!"

"YOU LIE!"

Igor backhanded him across the face and as Baldy's head jumped to one side, he straightened him up with a slap to the other side of his face. Baldy stood at attention with his hands rigidly at his sides.

"I'm… a man..,"

Igor continued to stand in front of him.

"I'll make a man out of you!"

"O.K.," I said to Igor, "leave him alone."

Igor left the kitchen. I poured myself another rum. It was dreadful stuff but it was all there was.

Igor walked back in. He was holding a gun, a real one, an old sixshooter.

"We will now play Russian roulette," he a

"Your mother's ass," I said.

"I'll play, Igor," said Baldy, "I'll play! I'm a man! "

"All right," said Igor, "there is one bullet in the gun. I will spin the chamber and hand the gun to you."

Igor spun the chamber and handed the gun to Baldy. Baldy took it and pointed it at his head. "I'm a man… I'm a man… I'll do it!"

He began crying again. "I'll do it… I'm a man…"

Baldy let the muzzle of the gun slip away from his temple. He pointed it away from his skull and pulled the trigger. There was a click.

Igor took the gun, spun the chamber and handed it to me. I handed it back.

"You go first."

Igor spun the chamber, held the gun up to the light and looked through the chamber. Then he put the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger. There was a click.

"Big deal," I said. "You checked the chamber to see where the bullet was."

Igor spun the chamber and handed the gun to me. "Your turn…"

I handed the gun back. "Stuff it," I told him. I walked over to pour myself another rum. As I did there was a shot. I looked down. Near my foot, in the kitchen floor, there was a bullet hole. I turned around.

"You ever point that thing at me again and I'll kill you, Igor."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

He stood there smiling. He slowly began to raise the gun. I waited. Then he lowered the gun. That was about it for the night. We went out to the car and Igor drove us home. But we stopped first at Westlake Park and rented a boat and went out on the lake to finish off the rum. With the last drink, Igor loaded up the gun and shot holes in the bottom of the boat. We were forty yards from shore and had to swim in…

It was late when I got home. I crawled over the old berry bush and through the bedroom window. I undressed and went to bed while in the next room my father snored.