The Ethical Assassin

She glanced at me. I tried to plead with my eyes. “What the fuck is going on here?”

“I don’t like it when a lady swears,” he told her.

“What are you, my minister? I don’t give a rat’s shit bag puss fuck tit what you like. I want to know what’s going on here.”

“Got me a trespasser,” Doe said. “That’s all. Maybe more than one. Still got to check out the grounds. And this here is Meadowbrook Grove’s jurisdiction, not to mention my own personal property. So if you don’t mind staying out of our business, I promise not to stick my nose in yours.” He unveiled another grin. “Nope, I won’t stick nothing in your business.”

She met his gaze. “Jim, you know perfectly well you can’t order a county cop out of a municipality, and if I think you might be up to something, I can have a look around. It’s a little something called ‘probable cause’- a concept pretty well-known among cops. And let me tell you, that sad-looking boy in your car, licking the snotty blood off his face, gives it to me.”

Doe turned away from her, pressed one finger to his left nostril, and blew out a wad of snot onto the ground. “You want to play hardball with me, sugar?”

“What I want is to know what’s going on. So how about you stop jerking me around.”

“Maybe you want to jerk me around a little?” Before the county officer could speak, Doe let out an exasperated sigh and pointed toward the hog lot. “I came to check on my property, and I happened to notice this suspicious-looking fellow prowling around, looking to break in, I guess. What should I have done? Called the police?”

“Yeah.” She nodded. “That’s what you should have done. Get him out of that car.”

“I don’t much like the tone of your voice.”

“You’re not going to like the tone of the county jail, either. Get him out of there.”

He put his hands on his hips. “What crawled up you? Is this because I forgot Je

“You don’t want to play it this way.”

“I don’t understand why you folks at County don’t have more respect for your fellow law enforcement officers from other jurisdictions.”

“We have plenty of respect for other law enforcement officers,” she told him. “We just don’t respect you. Get him out of there now, unless you want me to radio for backup. Because if that happens, things are going to get ugly.”

“It got ugly the minute you showed your face,” Doe mumbled.

He opened the door and yanked me out, sending another wave of pain through my arms. “Don’t make me mad,” he whispered, hardly more than a hot breath, into my ear. “Don’t think for a second you’re getting away with anything. I know who you are, boy.”

The other cop gave me an appraising, almost sympathetic, once-over. I couldn’t figure out my move. Cops were no longer my friends, but I had to believe that she would be a better bet than Jim Doe, a better bet by a long stretch. Frankly, at that moment I believed I’d be willing to face charges and trial and testify against Melford if I could get away from Jim Doe. Maybe not very loyal, but I hadn’t seen Melford ru

“Jesus fucking Christ,” swore the county cop, looking at my bloodied nose.

“I found him that way,” Doe said.

She ignored him. “What’s your name, son?” she asked, even though she was still in her twenties, possibly even early twenties, and had no business calling me “son.”

“Lem Altick.” No point in lying when she could, and certainly would, pull my license.

“What were you doing here?”

I told her the same story I’d told Doe, about looking for shade and then just wandering around in the absence of NO TRESPASSING signs. It found a more sympathetic audience with her, perhaps because of the blood.

“You resist the man in any way?” She gestured toward Doe with her head.

“No, ma’am. I explained myself like I did with you.”

“Turn around,” she told me.

I did.

“Jesus fuck,” she whispered. “Take those off of him now.”

“I got a right to handcuff a perp.”

“Doe, I’m going to count to three, and if those cuffs aren’t off, then you’re going to be the perp here.”

He grumbled but took out his keys and unlocked the cuffs, getting in a few rough jerks while he fumbled to fit the key in the lock.

“What a bullshit move, putting them on too tight. What, did you knock his head against the door when you put him in the car, too?”

It had been a rhetorical question, but I answered for Doe. “Yes, ma’am, he did. Punched me in the stomach, too.”

“This fucker is lying,” Doe said as the cuffs came off.

I felt a rush of pain as the blood began to flow. It stung horribly, and I winced as my eyes watered, but I was determined to show nothing more than the wincing. I kept my hands behind my back, not wanting to see them until the pain dissipated.

“It sure doesn’t look that way, Jim. I’m going to have to bring you up on charges.”

But she didn’t move. She didn’t go to cuff him. Instead, she smiled thinly and stared at him, waiting to see how he pla

“Is this because I wouldn’t fuck you?” he asked. “Is that what this is about? It’s just that I don’t like women without titties.”

“Unless you have something useful to say that would make me view this matter in a better light, I’m going to have to take you over to the station.”

I didn’t know I was going to say it until it came out. “I don’t want to press charges.”

The cop turned to me so fast, I was surprised her hat stayed on her head. “Why in hell not?”

I shrugged. “I don’t want any trouble. I don’t live near here, and I wouldn’t be able to come back for the trial or anything. And I guess I was trespassing, even if he got a little mean about it. I’d just as soon forget the whole thing.”

Doe gri

Still, it was the right move. Best to let the whole thing disappear. Get the cops and the courts and maybe the media involved, I might end up in jail. Way things were now, it might just turn out okay. It was a long shot, but it was something to hope for.

“You sure about that?” she asked.

I nodded.

She turned to Doe. “This is your lucky day. Why don’t you get on out of here.”

“Why don’t I get on out of here?” he asked, scratching his head. “Let me think about that one. How about this? Because it’s my fucking land. How about you get out of here?”

“Do us both a favor and take a hike. And let me be clear about something. If anything happens to this boy, Jim, anything at all, I’m coming after you, so I suggest you be careful.”

“I ain’t never seen a woman with such small titties,” he answered, and then got into his car. The engine came on with an angry growl, and the car pulled out at about fifty miles an hour.

The county cop watched it go. “I ought to give him a speeding ticket,” she said. “See how he likes it.” The she looked over at me. “So, what were you doing here?”

“Just like I said,” I told her. “I was wandering. I sort of plan to quit selling encyclopedias when I get home, and I didn’t have the energy to work today. So I was walking along, and I came here.”

“Come on, there must be more to it than that. You smoking pot or something? I don’t care. I just want to know.”

I shook my head. “Nothing like that. I was walking is all.”

She shook her head. “Fine. Let me give you a ride.”

I thought about the offer for a minute. Melford was back there somewhere, but what had he done for me but hang me out to dry? Either he hadn’t seen what was going on, which showed he couldn’t be trusted to watch my back, or he had and decided not to help me. Either way, I figured I ought to have no problem washing my hands of him.