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"I thought it was you, not at first, but later. Mamut said someone called us back, called with such force, it could not be denied. I thought I saw you there when I came back to myself, but then I didn't see you," Ayla said.
"You were promised to Ranee. I didn't want to be in the way," Jondalar said, vividly recalling that terrible night.
"But you loved me. If you hadn't loved me so much, my spirit might still be lost in that empty void. Mamut said he would never go there again like that, and he told me that if I ever take that Journey again, I should make sure I have strong protection, or I might not return." Suddenly she reached for him. "Why me, Jondalar?" she cried. "Why do I have to be a Zelandoni?"
Jondalar held her. Yes, he thought, Why her? He recalled the donier talking about the responsibilities and the dangers. Now he understood why she had been so open. She had been trying to prepare them. She must have known all along, from the first day they arrived, just like Mamut seemed to know. That's why he adopted her to his hearth. Can I be the mate of a Zelandoni? He thought about his mother and Dalanar. She said he had not been able to stay with her because she was the leader. The demands on a Zelandoni are even greater.
Everyone said he was just like Dalanar, there was no doubt he was the son of Dalanar's spirit. But Ayla says it was not just spirits. She says Jonayla is my daughter. If she is right, then I must be Dalanar's son! The thought stu
He felt Ayla shaking in his arms and looked at her. "What's wrong, Ayla?"
"I'm afraid, Jondalar. That's why I don't want to do it. I'm afraid to be Zelandoni," she sobbed. She quieted down and pulled away. "The reason I'm so afraid, Jondalar, is that things have happened to me that I never told you."
"What kind of things?" he asked, his forehead wrinkled in a frown.
"I never told you because I didn't know how to explain. I'm still not sure that I can, but I'll try. When I lived with Brun's clan, you know I went with them to a Clan Gathering. Iza was too sick to go-she died soon after we returned," Ayla's eyes started to fill at the memory. "Iza was the medicine woman, it was she that was supposed to prepare the special drink for the mog-urs. No one else knew how. Uba was too young, not a woman yet, and it had to be prepared by a woman. Iza explained it to me before we left. I didn't think the mog-urs would allow me to make it-they said I wasn't Clan-but then Creb came and told me to prepare myself. It was the same drink I made for Mamut and me when we took our strange Journey.
"But I didn't know how to do it right, and I ended up drinking some of it, too. I didn't even know where I was going when I followed the mog-urs back into the cave. The drink was so powerful, I may have already been in the Spirit World. When I saw the mog-urs I hid and watched, but Creb knew I was there. I told you Creb was a powerful magician. He was like Zelandoni, First, The Mog-ur. He was directing everything, and somehow my mind joined with theirs. I went back with them, back to the begi
In spite of himself, Jondalar was fascinated. "Long ago we started from the same people," Ayla continued, "but then we changed. The Clan was left behind when we went ahead. As powerful as he was, Creb couldn't follow me, but he saw something, or felt something. Then he told me to leave, get out of the cave. It was like I heard him inside me, inside my head, as though he were talking to me. The other mog-urs never knew I was there, and he never told them. They would have killed me. Women were not allowed to participate in those ceremonies.
"Creb changed after that. He was never the same again. He began to lose his power, I think he didn't like directing the minds anymore. I don't know how, but somehow I hurt him, I wish I had never done it, but he did something to me, too. I've been different since then, my dreams feel different, and sometimes I feel strange, as though I go away someplace else, and-I don't know how to say it, but it's like I know what people are thinking sometimes. No, that's not quite it, either, it's more like I know what they are feeling, but that's not exactly right, either. What they are, I don't know the right words, Jondalar. I block it out most of the time anyway, but sometimes things get through, especially when there are very strong emotions, like Brukeval's."
Jondalar was looking at her strangely. "Do you know what I am thinking, what thoughts are in my head?"
"No, I never know thoughts, exactly. But I know that you love me." She watched his expression change. "It bothers you, doesn't it? Maybe I shouldn't have said anything," she mumbled, feeling Jondalar's emotions like a weight. She was always particularly perceptive to Jondalar. She put her head down, her shoulders slumped.
He could see her dejection, and suddenly his uneasy feeling evaporated. He took both her shoulders and made her look up, then looked into her eyes. They had that incredibly ancient look he had seen occasionally before, and a sadness, a deep, ineffable melancholy.
"I have nothing to hide from you, Ayla. I don't care if you know what I'm thinking or feeling. I love you. I'll never stop loving you."
Tears spilled out of her eyes, as much from relief as from love. She reached up to kiss him as he bent his head toward her. He held her tightly, wanting to protect her from anything that might cause her pain. And she held him. As long as she had Jondalar, nothing else really mattered, did it? Just then Jonayla started to cry.
"I just want to be a mother, and be mated to you, Jondalar, I don't really want to be a Zelandoni," Ayla said as she went to pick her up.
She is really scared, he thought, but who wouldn't be? I don't even like getting near a burial ground, much less think about visiting the world of the spirits. He watched her come back to him with the baby in her arms, tears still in her eyes, and felt a sudden surge of love and protectiveness for the woman and the baby. So what if she became Zelandoni? She would still be Ayla to him, and she would still need him.
"It will be all right, Ayla," he said, taking the baby from her and cradling her in his arms. He had never been happier than he had been since they were mated, and especially since Jonayla was born. He looked down at the infant and smiled. I believe she is my daughter, too, he thought.
"It's up to you, Ayla," he said. "You are right, even if you join the zelandonia, it doesn't mean you will have to be a Zelandoni, but if you do, that will be all right, too. I always knew I was mating someone special. Not only a beautiful woman, but one with a rare Gift. You were chosen by the Mother, that's an honor, and she showed it by honoring you at our mating. And now you have a beautiful daughter. No, we have a beautiful daughter. You said she's my daughter, too, right?" he said, trying to calm her fears.
Her tears spilled again, but she smiled through them. "Yes. Jonayla is your daughter and my daughter," she said, then broke out in new sobs. He reached out for her with his other arm and held them both. "If you ever stopped loving me, Jondalar, I don't know what I would do. Please never stop loving me."
"Of course I'll never stop loving you. I will always love you. Nothing can ever make me stop," Jondalar said, feeling it deep in his heart and hoping that it would always be true.