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“A dump?” Emma said, outraged. “The Pacific Northwest is like one of the biologically richest areas in North America. Maybe in all the temperate areas of the world. Besides all of the coniferous growth, it’s home to the mourning dove and the western fence lizard.”
“Hey, you’re right, Emma. This eco-biosystem thingy is really starting to grow on me,” Joe said. “In fact…”
Joe got down on one knee in front of the Douglas fir beside him and mimicked opening a jewelry box. “Will you marry me?” he said to the tree. “Seriously. I love you, tree.”
“Enough, clown boy,” Dana said to Joe. “I call Trivial Pursuit.”
Chapter 13
WHAT CAN I SAY? We like to play board games. All right, so we’re a little nerdy. And since this whole scene was my creation, we could bend the rules any way we wanted.
“First question, Dana,” Emma said, drawing a card. “Category is entertainment. Who played the role of George Bailey in Frank Capra’s Christmas classic, It’s a Wonderful Life? I know you know it, girl.”
Joe finished my Gatorade and gave a deafening burp. “Samuel L. Jackson,” he said. “No, wait. It was Mini-Me.”
“Jimmy Stewart,” Dana said.
“You go, girl,” said Emma. “Next question-Joe. Category is theoretical physics. In quantum electrodynamics, what is the full scattering amplitude the sum of?”
“Theoretical physics!” Joe said, outraged. “E equals MC squared. How should I know? Let me see that card!”
“Incorrect,” Emma said. “Daniel, your turn. Science and nature. What does elephant mean in Latin?”
“An elephant question!” Joe said, rolling his eyes. “I get the thermo whatzit and Daniel, the elephant nerd, gets an elephant question? Besides, he knows Latin.”
“And about a hundred other languages,” said Dana.
“Huge arch,” I said, ignoring them. “Ele means arch and phant means huge.”
After we played Trivial Pursuit for about an hour more, I finally said, “You know what, guys? I think I’m go
“Where we headed this time?” Will said.
“LA,” I said. “On the trail of Number 6. He’s nasty, and I think he’s getting ready to make a big strike at Terra Firma. He already sent a henchman to warn me off.”
“LA, cool!” Joe said. “Number 6, cooler. The scarier the better. The few, the proud, us.”
“You got my back tonight?” I said to Willy as I stood up and stretched my arms toward the moon.
“Anything gets close to this campfire that Joe can’t eat,” Willy said, punching my leg as I stepped past him, “you’re going to be the first to know.”
Dana poked her head down close as I slid into my sleeping bag. She looked incredible in the pitch-black-but in the firelight, wow!
“Hey, you,” I said.
“Just wanted to say good night,” she whispered, leaning in. “You handsome devil, you. You are gorgeous, you know? Good night, Da
And then I was dreaming.
Chapter 14
WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARES!
I have these incredible, vivid dreams that are like high-definition virtual reality. The one I had that night was a recurring one where I was a warrior in a world like Middle Earth in The Lord of the Rings, or maybe 300. I was on a battlefield, holding a shining sword, surrounded by a Yankee Stadium-sized crowd of seething, hopelessly evil creatures. They were heavily armed, and every one of them was there to fight me. They all wanted their piece, but especially the real treasure-my brain.
I turned to try to run but then saw that Willy, Joe, Emma, and Dana were at my side. “We’ve got your back-well, kinda!” Willy yelled.
And then, as always, I saw The Prayer coming at me.
And, as always, Number 1 killed me! Set me on fire, cooked me to medium rare, and then ate me.
I really, really, really hope I haven’t just given away the ending of this story.
Chapter 15
A DAY LATER I arrived in LA, hot on the trail of Number 6-or maybe he was hot on my trail, hard to tell. As I said earlier, his name was Ergent Seth, and according to The List, he lived somewhere called Malibu. The depraved entity was believed to be in the film industry, which made sense if you think about some of the movies they make these days.
I created my mom and dad again, and this time included my sister Pork Chop (Brenda), to help me rent a house in Glendale, which is a suburb of LA.
The nicest thing about the rent-a-house was its gleaming gourmet kitchen. After a long-overdue shower and a quick stop at the supermarket, I spent the next two hours cracking eggs, chopping onions, grinding meat, selecting herbs and spices.
Cooking is a hobby and a passion of mine. It calms me, helps me unwind, and, hey, I’m fifteen. I eat like a truck driver.
I kept my parents and even Pork Chop around for di
I’d learned the wonders of authentic Italian on a trip to Sicily six months earlier. I wasn’t there on a vacation, unfortunately, but to take out Number 24, a homicidal, gunru
After di
From the looks of ecstasy on my family’s faces around the granite kitchen island, I knew I’d nailed the meal. Even Pork Chop shut her motormouth for a few seconds and shoveled in di
“Thanks for helping me out, guys,” I said, lowering my fork and raising my Pellegrino in a toast. “Here’s to the best family in the world.”
Even though you’re not real.
Chapter 16
AFTER DESSERT my mom hung back in the kitchen as my dad and sister went to see what was on TV. Pork Chop stopped the remote on an old Simpsons rerun, her favorite show.
“I saw The List of Alien Outlaws,” my mom said, sliding me her half-eaten slice of cake. “You’re going after Ergent Seth for sure? Number 6. Is that true, Daniel?”
I couldn’t help but detect the concern in her voice, and in her eyes as well. Kind of sweet, but hey, I’m not three years old anymore. And I’m battle tested.
“That’s right,” I said, trying to act nonchalant. “It’s no biggie.”
“You are aware that this is the first time you’ve gone after a monster in the top ten.”
“I hadn’t thought of it in exactly that way,” I said. “You’re suggesting that things are going to get more dangerous for me?”
“That’s putting it very mildly,” she said. “You make the slightest mistake, the tiniest misstep, Number 6 isn’t going to give you a chance to make a second one. Look what happened to your father and me. You could die this time. Do you understand what that means?”
I nodded slowly, remembering the worst night of my life, when I was three. The screams of my mom and dad, the gunfire blasting through our house. The fear as I crouched, cornered in the darkness as The Prayer came down the stairs.
“Thanks for the wake-up call, Mom. I’ll be careful. And clever and resourceful, and devious if that’s what it takes. Number 6 is up to something… world shaking. I have to do this.”