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Chapter 87
I STARTED to turbo-climb the cloth cliff of Seth’s white shirt. I was actually on his shoulder blade when I turned and saw his enormous eye staring down at me.
Far off, I watched a claw the size of a two-family house rise toward me. Uh-oh.
Then I jumped! The claw actually brushed my back. It came so close, I almost went flying off Seth altogether.
Almost.
I landed on the side of Seth’s head, next to his ear.
And then I held my breath… and crawled inside.
YUCK!
It was like the most disgusting cave ever discovered. Right in my path was what looked like a tractor trailer’s worth of melted Limburger cheese.
My tick torso doubled over and I started to dry heave. I realized I was standing in Seth’s earwax.
Finally, though, I rose up tall-and shouted!
“On Terra Firma, they have a product called Q-tips. You should look into it, Seth,” I yelled.
“WHO SAID THAT?” he bellowed as I scampered down the curving corridor of his ear canal.
I didn’t stop until I came to a bulging red nodule. It was plugging up the tu
I shut my eyes and pictured the anatomy of the Verm-gypian head from the diagram on my laptop. Having a photographic memory comes in really handy sometimes.
I realized I was staring at his tympanic membrane, or eardrum. Hmmm. It parted like a curtain as I cut into it with my fang.
Seth howled, so I must have been doing something right.
Next, I wriggled my way into a chamber called the tympanic cavity. Above me was a repulsive bulging, hanging thing that looked like a giant squid. It was Seth’s cochlea, the organ that turns sound into brain signals.
There was a little window in it where a fu
I climbed up and crawled over the stirrup and through the window, into Seth’s i
“I’m still here!” I reassured him. “This is still a fight to the death!”
Chapter 88
THE INSIDE of Seth’s cochlea was even grosser than his earwax situation. It was filled with this fluid that was… ugh, I don’t even want to get into it.
I swam through the gook until I reached another opening filled with what looked like yellow spaghetti.
Aha! Just what I was looking for, a gaggle of Seth’s nerves. Auditory or vestibular, I wasn’t sure, and it didn’t matter.
I just needed a way to travel so far into his skull that there’d be no chance for him to get me out. I wriggled into a ductlike nerve, headfirst, and continued on my merry way, spelunking through Seth’s head.
For some reason, I don’t think Seth was having as much fun as I was. Periodically I would hear him moan things like NO and PLEASE and my personal favorite, MOMMY.
“I’m right here, honey!” I called back. “But you know what they say about letting an opponent get inside your head?”
After about five minutes of wriggling, I arrived at more yellowish spaghetti, and clumps of unidentifiable organs that looked important, and rather delicate. By my calculations, I was now in Seth’s brain stem, halfway between his medulla oblongata and his pons.
This was the Grand Central Station of Seth’s brain, the part that controlled his respiration, his blood pressure, his heart rate.
“Are all the brains of your species this small, Chunk Bucket? Or are you like an exception?” I yelled.
“GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” Seth screamed.
His voice was truly thunderous in the chamber of his skull. The voice of an angry god in an evil temple.
“GET OUT OF MY HEAD NOW OR I’LL BOARD MY SHIP AND BLOW THIS PLANET TO DUST!” he screamed.
And that was different from what he had intended to do in what way?
“You want me out of your head?” I said.
“YES!”
“You sure?”
“YES!”
“Say please.”
“PLEASE!”
“Okay,” I said. “If you insist. But you won’t like it. Ready or not, I’m coming out!”
Chapter 89
I LET OUT a thunderous trumpeting roar, and I mean that literally. My tick legs thickened as my body bulged, expanding at an amazing rate.
Seth had begun to shriek for his MOMMY again.
Then my head hit the ceiling of something spongy, and I slid through tissue and membrane with a wet pop.
I blinked in the suddenly bright sunlight, raised my glorious trunk to the sky, and trumpeted again.
Yes, trumpeted!
I’d transformed myself into a glorious elephant! One the size of Chordata.
I towered there for a moment, feeling my elephantness, feeling the power and might and wisdom of everything that was hopeful and alive about Alpar Nok.
Seth was lying on the stone beneath me, and well… wow. Seth wasn’t doing too well. Euphemism. Look it up. Where his head used to be was basically a pool of pale-colored slime.
This piece of garbage who had nearly destroyed my planet had had a large head for sure. But even his head couldn’t contain a full-grown elephant.
I trumpeted again, and the kids from Earth and Alpar Nok leaped to their feet, cheering.
The remaining alien commandos stood there in shock as I morphed back into myself.
“You there,” I said to the largest and nastiest-looking of them all.
“Me?” The creature cringed, fearfully pointing a claw at himself.
“Yes, you,” I said. “What’s your name?”
“Krothgark.”
“Krothgark, I haven’t decided if I’m going to let you live or not. Would you like to influence my decision?”
“Yes,” Krothgark said. “Very much.”
“Then do yourself a big favor and unchain those kids,” I said. “And those kids. And those. All of them.”
“You got it, sir. Right away, right away. You heard the man,” Krothgark said, smacking one of the horse-head soldiers next to him. “Unchain the children.”
When I looked up I saw that people were streaming toward me. I gave Bem and his sister, Kulay, high fives as my uncle pinched both of my cheeks.
“Woooh,” I heard Joe yell from somewhere in the happy crush. “Yeah, baby! We’re going to Disney World.” Leave it to Joe.
“You’ve saved us,” Grandma Blaleen said as she hugged me tightly.
Then Dana had her arm around me too, and nothing had felt so good to me in a long, long time.
“You’re…” she sobbed. “You’re…”
“Still alive?” I said. “Of course. How could I let us die?”
Just then, a human girl came ru
She had something tucked under her arm. “I found this on the ship. I thought it might be important.”
My laptop! I reached for the computer containing The List of all the other alien scum I had to destroy, but before I could say a word to Phoebe, Dana did.
“It’s very nice to meet you, Phoebe. I’m glad you’re all right. Now you should go back and celebrate with your friends. Daniel is with me. Bye-bye, Phoebe. Scoot along.”