Hear No Evil

It was a long, narrow alley, and with each step, Theo put the traffic noise from Flagler Street farther behind him. He was soon alone with the Dumpsters, deep into shadows so dark that he had to stop for a moment to let his eyes adjust. There was a street lamp overhead, and it should have clicked on by now. It had to be burned out. Theo took a few more steps, but then he stopped as he reached the end of the alley and rounded the corner to the back of the building. He heard something. It sounded like hissing.

A snake?

The thought made him shudder. Theo wasn’t afraid of much, but he was definitely not a snake guy.

The hissing continued, and then Theo spotted the source. The door at the studio’s rear entrance was open-wide open, not just unlocked. The hissing was coming from inside. Theo started toward the open door. It couldn’t be a snake. The hissing was continuous. No snake hissed nonstop. He stopped at the open doorway and looked inside.

The back of Eddy’s Palace was more like a metal shop than a studio. Eddy obviously created his sculptures right on the premises. A man-presumably Eddy-was busy at his welding table, his back to the door. He wore a metal visor over his head, the dark kind that protected the eyes from the intense glare of a welding iron. Theo could feel the heat escaping through the open door. Theo had done some welding himself, mostly on cars. He knew the arc could reach several thousand degrees. It was no wonder the door was open.

Theo watched for a minute or two. The artist was totally absorbed in his craft, shaping what appeared to be the all-important gaping mouth of another citizen from hell. Theo could have rolled through the back door in a tank and gone u

Which gave him an idea.

Quietly, he stepped inside the studio. Eddy was still focused on work, oblivious to anything else. The gas tanks were near the door. Another torch was hanging on a hook beside the tanks. Theo opened the valve on the extra torch. He could feel the gas coursing through the tubing. He had firepower, which made him smile a little. Then he turned the valve off on the torch Eddy was working with, and he gently closed the door.

The flame on Eddy’s torch grew smaller and smaller until it finally went out. Eddy straightened up, as if ready to switch tanks. As he flipped up his visor and turned toward the tanks, Theo was on top of him like a T. rex on lunch. Eddy was facedown on the cement before he knew what had hit him. He squirmed for a moment, then a foot-long flame scorched the concrete floor just inches from his nose.

“Don’t move,” said Theo. He was sitting on Eddy’s kidneys, pressing him into the floor.

Eddy’s eyes were like silver dollars, his voice shaking. “Don’t hurt me, man.”

“Shut the fuck up, or I start cooking your nose from the inside out.”

Eddy was shaking, but he didn’t say a word.

“Good,” said Theo. “Nice and quiet, and nobody gets hurt. I’m a real lover of the arts, so it would be a shame to toast you. I mean that. I really dig your work. Highly unusual pieces. Very reminiscent of…Oh, what am I thinking of?”

Sweat was pouring down Eddy’s face. His breathing grew louder, but he didn’t answer.

Theo tapped the head of the torch on the concrete, giving Eddy a start. “You can talk when I ask you a question, moron.”

Eddy could barely keep his saliva in his mouth. “What was the question?”

“I said your work reminds me of something that I just can’t put my finger on.”

“ Salvador Dalí?”

“Hmmm. Actually, I was go

“Just tell me what you want, man.”

“I want information. Can you give me information, Eddy?”

“Whatever you want. Just don’t hurt me, all right?”

“Sure. What I want to know is-” Theo stopped himself. This was too easy. Where was the fun? His gaze quickly swept the workshop, and a thin smile crept to his lips as he spotted the many half creations around him, all these suffering souls destined for hell. He was suddenly feeling spiritual. “You believe in God, Eddy?”

“I don’t know, man. Do you want me to?”

“You must believe. All this hell around you. Can’t be a hell if there’s no God, right?”

“Sure, sure. I believe.”

“Good. Because this is what I want to know. Hypothetically, let’s say I’m God. This is just pretend now, okay? Don’t be ru

“Huh?”

“There’s no right or wrong here, pal. Just spit it out. It’s just you and God in the back of your studio. For the moment, let’s ignore the fact that God’s packing a blowtorch that can melt your face into the concrete. Go ahead, ask your one question.”

The punk could barely speak, he was so frightened. “Uhm-what’s the meaning of life?”

Theo made a face, as if in pain. “What the hell kind of shitty question is that?”

“You said there was no right or wrong here.”

Theo smacked him on the side of the head. “Did anybody ever fucking tell you to believe what I say?”

“No.”

“Now ask another question. And make it good!”

He swallowed, but he didn’t have anything to say.

“What are you, brain dead?” said Theo. “You can’t think of one decent question? How about something like this: Why does cold water boil faster than hot water? You want to ask him that?”

He nodded tentatively.

“It doesn’t, shithead. Who told you it was okay to ask God a trick question, huh?”

“Don’t, don’t!” He seemed to sense that the blowtorch was coming.

Theo squeezed the trigger, sending a tongue of flame onto the concrete. It was so close to Eddy that it singed his hair. The guy was about to crumble. “Give me a break, man, okay?”

Theo sighed and said, “Aw, shit. I gotta do everything around here. Okay, here’s one last suggestion. I got God on the line, right? ‘Yo, God, it’s Theo. How you doin’? Got a question for you. Is there anything this poor slob here-what’s your name again?”

“Eddy.”

“Is there anything poor Eddy here can possibly do to keep from getting scorched by a big, angry black guy who spent four years on death row after being wrongly convicted by a bunch of white jurors and one little Hispanic twit who looks a hell of a lot like Eddy?”

It took a moment for the question to register, then Eddy gulped. “It wasn’t me, man. I wasn’t on no jury!”

Theo smacked the back of his head once more. “I know it wasn’t you, asshole! But for the entire four years I spent in Florida State prison, my cellmates were Cindy Crawford and Whitney Houston. So if you think I don’t got the power of imagination, then you got no fucking idea how bad this is go

“Please…” he said, now groveling. “Just tell me what you want.”

Theo let him squirm for a moment, watched the tears run down a grown man’s cheeks. Then he leaned forward and whispered into his ear. “Why did you torch Jack Swyteck’s car?”

Eddy froze.

Theo said, “It was you, wasn’t it?”

“It wasn’t my idea,” he said, shaking. “They told me to do it.”

“Who told you?”

“Don’t make me rat, man. They’ll kill me. I swear, they’ll kill me.”

“Well, that’s pretty fu

“I’m serious. They’ll kill me.”

Theo leaned closer, his nose nearly touching the nape of Eddy’s neck. “I’m serious. I’ll kill you.” He gave the blowtorch a quick blast for added effect.

Eddy shivered, his voice racing. “Okay, okay. I’ll tell you.”

“Good boy, Eddy. I’m all ears.”