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I must leave for a moment to calm down. I head for the door without providing any excuse for my abrupt exit. The ‘break’ room is not far from the lab; I will go there to gather my thoughts.
A rapid click-clacking behind me sends a shiver up my spine. It is her, following me.
“Kila!” she calls as she rushes down the hallway. “Kila, can I talk to you?”
I halt and look back at her. The blouse she wears is fluttering as she jogs to catch up to me.
“Damn, you move fast,” she says once she is beside me, out of breath.
“What is it you need?” I say tightly.
“Look, maybe we got off on the wrong foot here, but I’d like to fix this. I can tell you are… angry with me about something. Can you tell me what I’ve done wrong so I can make it up to you?”
My stomach feels like it is clenching. Of course, I have made her feel as though I hate her by ignoring her. I am speechless, wondering just how I can explain myself without telling her the disturbing truth. Worst of all, she thinks that it is something she has done to have caused this. Ridiculous. Even if she is emitting pheromones that addle my brain, I am certain she is unaware of it.
“I… I…” I hesitate. All the while her eyes are wide, awaiting my response. Another being comes barreling down the corridor. It is a massive Sciva that could likely harm Ella with one errant swat of his arm. We are forced to squeeze away from him so that he may pass us by. Instinctively, I grasp her by the arm and tug her towards the wall with my back to the hairy beast, who at least has the decency to apologize profusely to us as he shuffles away. For that moment, Ella’s chest is pressed against mine. The brushing of her breasts against me is enough sensation to spark a fire beneath my skin.
When I step back, she takes a moment to collect herself. Perhaps she feels something as well. The thought is tantalizing. Immediately, I feel I must know if it is true.
“As I was saying,” she murmurs. “Something… clearly is bothering you about me and I think we should work it out. I mean, I worked with my Oofara team for five years, and since we have no idea how long you guys will be on this project, it really is important that everyone can be honest with one another—”
“Stop,” I demand, and she startles at my tone. “I ca
“Okay,” she says slowly. Her cheeks are flushing. She feels it too, my mind whispers. Look at her, she is just as weakened as you.
“Your presence has a strange effect on me,” I manage to admit. “It has not gone away. I thought it was best to avoid you because of this, but I had no intention of making you feel that you have wronged me in some way. For that I apologize.”
Without thinking, I reach for her hand and hold it in my own. The warmth of it is calming, more effective than any of the meditation I attempted this week. While I hold tight to this small part of her and anxiously await her reaction to my confession, I realize the depth of trouble I am in. It is not simply a response, not simply a mistake. I am neck deep in this strange sickness with no escape in sight.
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Chapter 7
Ella
My face is hot, and Kila is clutching my sweaty palm. It feels surprisingly nice, this co
“A strange effect?” I repeat. The words remind me of what he said on Monday, when I assumed he meant that he had a boner. I don’t want to jump to conclusions here.
“I ca
It feels like boiling water has been poured all over my head, because I’m pretty sure this alien is trying to apologize to me for thinking I’m attractive. I am such an idiot. Maybe he hardly ever sees women. Maybe the women he knows at home cover themselves from head to toe. Should I have done some more research? Man, I really thought I was doing a great job but now I’m wondering if I am screwing up big time. Do they find my presence to be distracting? Is this why Pakka refused to look at me while I spoke to him? I thought he was just trying to mask what he knew about Kila. I decide it’s best that I pull my clammy hand away from him. We are still dangerously close, and my back is against the wall.
“So, you find me attractive. On Earth, that’s considered completely normal, Kila. There’s no need to apologize,” I say. “Is there some way I can respect the Kar’Kali way? Do your females cover themselves? Do you usually not work with females at all?”
He blinks, in momentary confusion. “No, females and males wear the same uniforms befitting their rank. Females and males are equal in all things on Kar’Kali. It is a great pride of our planet, this fact.”
“That’s nice,” I say. For the first time since that day we met, he is allowing himself to really look at me, and the change is jarring. His eyes flicker from my own, down to my lips, and then to my now empty hands. Then, he is back to watching my face, as if searching for something.
“I would be unfair of me to ask you to make a change when I am the one at fault here,” he says. “Maybe it is normal for humans, but it is not normal for Kar’Kali. I fear there is something very wrong with me, but do not worry. It will be resolved.”
I guess being attracted to me is a real hardship for him. This realization makes me want to laugh, but I decide it’s better to hide that, since he is so serious about all this. I don’t know how to react; I’m completely in shock. I’ll have to talk to Jen and find out how the heck to navigate a Kar’Kali crush without causing an intergalactic moral panic. Kar’Kali that succumb to sexual desires are excommunicated, so for Kila there is real reason to be fearful, even if the whole situation would be comical to any human.
The worst part is that Kila is easily the sexiest man I’ve ever laid eyes on. Especially now, when he gazes at me like my words might break him, with stray black hairs falling over his brow. There is no doubt in my mind that if he felt like exploring the world of ‘deviance’, I’d be happy to lead him straight to the dark side and release the i
“Hey, it’s okay,” I assure him. “I’m sure you’re right, and you’ll figure it out. It’s okay if you want to ignore me. I won’t let it bother me now that I understand.”
I turn to go, but he grabs my wrist and stops me. My heart pounds. “—Kila?”
“Ella, you are too good,” he groans with darkened eyes. “I will avoid you once again. It is for the best. But first I must know something because I am a weak male.”
“What is it?” I ask.
“Tell me if you feel it too. I need to know,” he says.
I let out a deep breath. “I don’t know that my answer will be helpful to you. Are you sure it’s such a good idea to—”
“No, it is not. But I am a male gone insane and I need to hear this answer, if only to soothe my addled mind.” His eyes are pleading me. He wants me this badly? I am flooded with heat at the thought that I’ve driven him mad. He can’t possibly be aware of human movies and romantic words, and yet he speaks just like a Casanova determined to convince me I am the only antidote to the poison of his desire. Can it be true that he earnestly feels that way towards me, just by looking at me? We hardly know each other.
I can’t lie to him. But I can’t let this situation get worse.