A fire in the flash

That was always the only option. That a

My fists tightened as I picked up my pace, the stained gown snapping at my ankles. But I couldn’t go through with it. I’d already decided that much. Just as I’d decided that I didn’t care about the greater good. I wouldn’t be a person who sacrificed everything.

But I was that person.

And I did care.

I couldn’t fool myself into believing otherwise, no matter how desperate I was. If I weren’t that kind of person, I wouldn’t have stopped to aid the Chosen. I might not have escaped, but I would’ve made it farther.

What Holland had told me once resurfaced. It had been something he’d said in the years after Ash rejected me as his Consort. I couldn’t remember exactly what had caused Holland to say what he did. I’d likely been bitching about not wanting to do something—that was common at the time.

“I know you feel like you’ve been given no choices in life,” he’d said in that gentle way of his when he told me something he knew I didn’t want to hear. “But every day, there is a choice to keep going, to face the future head-on or not. Every day, there is a choice to be honest with yourself or to lie. One will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done, and the other the easiest, but there is always the opportunity for choice if you don’t take the easiest path.”

He’d said that when he was Sir Holland, a Royal Knight trained to prepare me to complete my duty and defend myself. One who often liked to spout what I’d fondly considered nonsensical, philosophical bullshit. But he’d never been just Sir Holland. He hadn’t even been mortal. He was an Arae. A Fate. His philosophical ramblings were never bullshit.

They were still mostly nonsensical, though.

However, I did get what he’d been saying. Maybe. But I felt what he’d meant…like there was no choice. I’d lived in that state since I could remember, and it was like that now.

But he was right.

There were many choices. To do nothing and let fate determine what happened to you. Or to face reality and make it hard for the Fates to dictate your path. There was also the choice to keep going. Once before, I hadn’t made that choice. Either the Fates, luck, or possibly even the embers had prevented that decision from becoming my last, but it had been a choice. One I regretted to this day because it had been the wrong one.

And I knew if I chose to say fuck the greater good and attempt another reckless escape, it would be another choice I regretted for however long I had left. Trying to convince myself otherwise was foolish, but so was believing I had complete autonomy. That I somehow played an active role in the choices left to me. That was bullshit. The truth was that none of this was right or fair.

But the fact that this—all of this—was so much bigger and more important than me was also true.

Kolis had to be stopped.

Choosing to fight my way out of here meant choosing myself, and that would likely end in me dying before my Ascension. Kolis seemed to take my escape attempt and murder in stride, but he had less control over his anger than I did on a really bad day. And if that happened, all would be lost. Choosing myself wouldn’t help gain Ash his freedom, and that…gods, that was more important to me than even fulfilling my duty.

Because I loved him. I was in love with him. And right or wrong, I would do anything for him.

I stopped, my eyes closing.

Shaking my head, I opened them again. How was I going to do this? Bitter sorrow rose, stirring the embers. They thrummed.

I knew how.

Folding my arms across my waist, I began pacing once more, giving my mind time to calm—well, to get as calm as my head would ever be. More like my mind was manageable and clear enough that I could face the reality of the situation and approach all of it logically, which wasn’t exactly a skill of mine, but I knew there were two possible outcomes from here.

Either I found another more reasonable and thought-out plan to escape, one that actually included a strategy, and I managed to reach Ash so he could take the embers.

Or I was unable to escape and killed Kolis.

Both options required the same thing, and gods, didn’t knowing that just make me want to vomit? It fucking hurt somewhere deep, felt like a dagger repeatedly plunging into my chest. But I couldn’t let myself dwell on it. Instead, I breathed through it.

I had to.

Which meant I would have to exploit Kolis’s love for Sotoria, and I knew what that would involve. The only difference now was that I didn’t have to seduce Kolis into falling in love with me. That part was already done thanks to Sotoria’s soul—as long as he remained convinced I was her.

I would only have to earn enough of Kolis’s trust to gain some level of freedom to make my escape.

“Only.” I laughed hoarsely.

Successfully escaping so Ash could take the embers was the option I was shooting for. It was the only way the Rot could be stopped from destroying Lasania, my home, and eventually, the entire mortal realm.

And even if the kingdom didn’t know I existed, they still mattered. Ezra and her Consort, Lady Marisol—and every other living person—were worth any and all sacrifices I may have to make. Even my mother was.

A short, weak laugh left me. Okay, maybe she wasn’t exactly worth it, but the mortal realm was, and the people there had no idea their doom approached.

And if I couldn’t gain freedom from this cage? Then I would have to kill Kolis.

I needed to do better than what I’d managed on the beach near Hygeia.

Common sense told me that escaping was the least likely outcome, leaving me with killing Kolis. That wouldn’t fix everything. It wouldn’t prevent the catastrophic damage that would hit both realms or end the Rot, but it would stop him from hurting those who survived. It would end his tyra

But maybe killing Kolis would slow the Rot. Another dry laugh left me. I knew better. The Rot had begun with my birth, which signaled the eventual death of the embers. If Ash didn’t Ascend to become the Primal of Life, mortals were, well…fucked. But it may give Ash and the others time to figure out what, if anything, could be done regarding the Rot. There had to be something. Because, eventually, it would spread from the Shadowlands to all of Iliseeum.

Until then, killing Kolis protected Ash and the people of the Shadowlands—Aios, Bele, Reaver, little Jadis, her father, Nektas, Saion, Rhahar, and so many others, including those in the city of Lethe. Even Rhain, who I still wasn’t sure liked me.

They mattered.

They all deserved a life worth living. And Ash? Gods, he deserved to live without the threat of Kolis’s boot on his neck, where his i

But there was something I had to accomplish as soon as possible.

I needed to gain Ash’s freedom.

He could not remain imprisoned. It wasn’t as if him being kept in a cell made him easier to reach. That required me escaping one cage to enter another—likely a well-guarded one. But even if it were easier, I couldn’t bear the thought of him being held captive, subject to whatever cruelty Kolis devised.

Ash needed to be far away from the false King. He needed to be home with his people, especially if Kolis was serious about a war starting.

And I knew how to accomplish all of that.

My hand fell to my side as my heart kicked sharply. It wasn’t the knowledge that I might fail in an escape attempt or that I needed something to actually kill Kolis with that made me feel like vomiting. It was the fact that I knew what I had to do.