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“Like…at all,” Bele added as I took a drink of the sweet fruit juice. It did so much more to ease the scratchiness of my throat. “It’s common enough that you kind of prepare to die during the Culling.”
“Bele,” Rhain groaned.
“What? It’s true. I told my mother I wanted a ceremony if I died,” she went on. “A large, obnoxious one full of endless prayers to the Primals and a countless stream of mourners to speak only of how great I was. I want loud, heartfelt sobbing—not just a few tears. I’m talking full-on, ugly crying. Snot ru
I stared at Bele. “Wow.”
“That about sums it up,” Rhain remarked.
I looked at him and then remembered what he’d been saying to Nyktos. You’ve got to stop this. Do it. And I remembered becoming empty. Blank. My grip on the cup tightened. “I didn’t go to sleep.”
“No, not on your own,” Rhain confirmed.
“Nyktos…he used compulsion on me.”
“He didn’t want to,” Rhain said, and I remembered that, too—remembered Nyktos trying to get me to calm my breathing. His near-palpable reluctance. “But if he hadn’t, you wouldn’t be here. If you didn’t bring the palace down on us, you could’ve gone into your Ascension. And that would’ve killed you. Do you understand? Because that was likely what was happening. You were forcing yourself into Ascension.”
I wasn’t forcing myself into shit, but I got what he was saying. “I…I understand,” I said, and that was hard. “I get why he had to do it, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.”
Rhain’s nostrils flared. “Yet again, I don’t think you understand.”
Anger sparked as I held his stare. “I spent my whole life without free will, but I was aware that I had no control. With compulsion, I have no awareness. That may not seem like a difference to you or one that should matter, but it does to me. But like I said, I understand why he did it. The alternative would’ve been death.”
Something flickered over his face, but it was gone before I could understand what it was. “Just don’t hold it against him.” He looked away. “He’ll do that for you.”
Something else Rhain had said suddenly struck me. That I had no idea what Nyktos had sacrificed for me—
Juice sloshed as Bele plopped down on the side of the bed, weapons and all. Rhain sent her an exasperated look.
Clearing my thoughts, I took a careful drink as I refocused on what was important. “How do we keep this from happening again?” I asked. “The going into stasis—”
“And likely dying?” Bele finished for me.
“Yeah,” I muttered. “That.”
“Eating. Lots of protein.” Bele propped herself against the headboard. “Chocolate, too, if I remember correctly.”
Chocolate. Now I understood why that often accompanied the food brought to me and why Nyktos was always so focused on my meals.
“Physical activity,” Rhain tacked on. “That helps.”
“And, yeah, that sounds counterproductive,” Bele said. “But there’s science behind it that I never cared to learn. Sleeping. Like not that sleep-of-the-dead thing you were just doing, but normal, good old eight hours of sleep.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever slept eight hours multiple nights,” I said. “The chocolate I can deal with, though.”
“Blood also helps.” Bele lifted an eyebrow as I glanced at her. “Blood of the gods, that is. Or a Primal’s.” She winked at me. “You’d drink it just like you’re chugging that juice,” she said, and I glanced down at my cup. “It can be a little weird that way if you don’t keep it warm. Gets kind of thick and congealed.”
“Fates,” Rhain muttered, ru
My stomach churned as I leaned into the headboard. I should’ve paid way more attention to Nyktos when he warned me about the Culling instead of getting a
“Not that I know of,” Bele said.
I glanced at Rhain. He was staring at the pitcher. Did neither of them know about Veses’ visit? Rhain must have been close by to find me by the pool with Nyktos, but that didn’t mean he knew she’d been here. As far as I knew, gods couldn’t sense a Primal’s arrival like another Primal could.
“Where is he?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking.
“At the Pillars, dealing with some nervous souls.” Bele stretched out her long legs, dropping her crossed ankles in Rhain’s lap. “He’s probably going to be super disappointed to learn that you decided to finally wake up when he wasn’t here.”
I doubted that.
“You know, he’s been here nearly the whole time you’ve slept,” Bele said as Rhain knocked her booted feet from his lap. “Sleeping beside you. Not straying farther than his office unless he had to. Clucking over you like a mother hen of death.”
My fingers pressed into the cup as that sliced straight through my chest. “He was worried about the embers. If I die, they go with me.”
“Yeah, I don’t think that was it.” Bele plopped her feet back in Rhain’s lap. “He was worried, wasn’t he, Rhain?”
“Yeah,” Rhain grumbled, not bothering to remove her feet this time. “I honestly thought he was going to kill Ector at least five times in the last three days.”
Bele gri
And I…I didn’t know what to do about any of it as Rhain and Bele started to argue over whether Ector had deserved the many threats of death he’d received. I understood enough about emotions in general to know that one could care for another and still do things that could…hurt them—intentionally or not. I’d seen that enough in the mortal realm, and I doubted Primals were any different since they got their emotions from mortals. And now, a little removed from what I’d seen in his office, I could admit to myself that Nyktos cared for me. He’d proven that. But what I’d seen showed how shallow those feelings ran. Not only that, he’d clearly lied to me about his relationship with Veses—how he felt about her. Who knew what else he hadn’t been truthful about. But I also…
I cared too much.
I wouldn’t have reacted the way I did otherwise. I would’ve been more angry than hurt. My heart wouldn’t have felt as if it were breaking. I had feelings for him, and that was never a part of the deal I’d struck with him. That was never in the cards for me. But I’d opened the door to him, letting myself feel safe with him and want more than I should. And that was on me. But what was on him? The mistake he’d made? He’d walked through that open door.
And that felt like an unforgivable mistake.
On both our parts.
Because we could’ve had what I’d offered in that deal. Pleasure for the sake of pleasure. Fucking and nothing more. No long conversations about anxiety or my fears about what kind of person I was. He didn’t need to ask about my life in Lasania. I didn’t need to wonder about his.
I stared at the dark, ruby-red juice, my eyes burning. If I were being honest with myself, it never could’ve stayed purely physical. I had started to care for him when I’d been determined to kill him. I’d started to want more even then.
Closing my eyes, I willed the stinging away and forced my thoughts to what would come next. What I saw between him and Veses didn’t change that there were far bigger issues to deal with. There was finding Delfai in Irelone. Removing the embers. Dealing with Kolis. All things that required Nyktos and me to work together. But most importantly, I couldn’t lose control again. Doing so was too dangerous. For others. For me.
And contrary to what Nyktos believed, I didn’t want to die. Not when there was the possibility of a future that wouldn’t be dictated by a destiny I’d never agreed to. A life that I and no one else owned. I needed to survive to live that.