A light in the flame

A shiver went through me. “Do you think he believed you? That you thought he had been the one who Ascended a god in the Shadowlands?”

“Fuck, no.” Nyktos laughed under his breath. “It’s possible that he believes I may not be aware of who it was and that I searched for the source, but there is no way he thinks that I believe it was him. He was saving face in front of Hanan and the Primals of Vathi.”

That made more sense than Kolis actually believing that Nyktos thought it was him. “But then that also means he knows that you realize another has the embers of life. Why would he let that slide?”

“It’s the same reason there was no immediate attack on Vathi. It’s because of what your Holland said. There is only so much he can do to me before he risks exposing exactly how much of a fraud he is,” he reminded me. “His control over the other Primals would weaken if they truly believed he no longer had embers of life in him. It’s possible that he believes he can find the source before anyone else. But now I wish we’d had time to ask Attes what he thought about Dyses.”

I nodded, rubbing my palms back and forth over the railing. So did I, but lingering in Vathi wouldn’t have been wise, and I’d already engaged in enough unwise behavior for the day. Several moments of silence passed. “Kolis wasn’t what I expected,” I said, clearing my throat. “I mean, what he demanded as a price was what I expected, but before that? He was…”

“Measured? Calm?” he said with another short, dry laugh. “Kolis can be incredibly charming when he wants to be, and that is when he is the most dangerous.”

I remembered then what Aios had said. That Kolis had a way of making someone forget who and what they were. I looked down at my hands, seeing blood that had never touched my skin. “We have his permission.”

“It’s not the only thing we have, even though I don’t really trust that he gave his permission,” Nyktos said, and I had to agree with that sentiment. “We also know he didn’t recognize you.”

I nodded again.

“Something happened there. With you.” Nyktos angled his body toward mine. “I felt it.”

Throat constricting, I looked up at him. “Felt what?”

“Rage.” His eyes searched mine. “A rage I don’t think was yours. It felt different. Tasted different.”

“It wasn’t just mine,” I admitted quietly. “I don’t know how or why, but I know. I felt it.” I placed a hand on my chest. “Her anger. I could feel her looking through my eyes. Sotoria.”

Nyktos inhaled sharply. “I think Holland was wrong. I think a lot of us were wrong, and you were right.” His gaze swept over me. “You’re not Sotoria. You have two souls. Yours. And hers.”

Chapter 37

The idea that I had two souls inside me felt more right than thinking that I was Sotoria.

Nyktos wouldn’t be able to confirm such a thing until my death—whether I had two souls or not—and that was something I hoped didn’t come for a while. But could an Arae be wrong about that? I didn’t know, and it really wasn’t the most pressing issue as Nyktos met with the usual suspects, filling them in on what had occurred in Dalos. Dyses. Kolis behaving as if he had Ascended Bele. The permission we had been granted. He told them everything.

Everything except the price Kolis had demanded and who paid it.

I was glad that he hadn’t said anything because I hadn’t paid shit. The young draken had, and I’d been lucky that I was able to reach him in time to fix it.

But I knew he would tell Nektas about what had gone down. The others might learn of it eventually, but right now, it wasn’t something they needed to know.

I didn’t linger as they began discussing how Dyses could’ve been created. I couldn’t sit. I needed movement. Space. We’d already decided that the coronation would be held the following day, and then we’d leave for Irelone. I didn’t need to be present for anything else. No one followed me, not at first, but I swore I still felt Nyktos’s gaze on me long after I’d left the office.

I walked the halls and then the courtyard. Eventually, Reaver joined me. He glided in the air beside me as I followed the length of the Rise around the entirety of the palace, his quiet presence as welcome as it was painful.

Because I thought about the other draken.

I didn’t want to. I wished I could find that place inside that had allowed me to forget the lives I’d taken. The part that was able to move on from the things I’d done. I wondered if I’d left that on the floor of Cor Palace, as well.

Because that horror and ugliness still lived inside me, even though Thad breathed again. As did the what-ifs—and they were vast. Could I have done something to prevent what went down? I didn’t think so because it would require me to undo many things that I’d done in the past. But even then, we still could’ve landed here. And what if Thad hadn’t wanted to come back? I’d taken that choice from him, just as Kolis had taken the choice from us. I could live with that, but it was still a part of the ugliness that sat heavily inside me.

Growing tired, I sat on the boulder Jadis had once attempted to jump off. Reaver landed beside me, placing his head in my lap as he tucked his wings against his sides. My fingers shook as I ran them over the bumpy ridges of scales down his back. My vision began to blur.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

Reaver made a soft chattering sound as he lifted his head, placing it on my shoulder. I squeezed my eyes shut as emotion—sorrow and anger and so much guilt—burned the back of my throat.

I cried.

I didn’t stop the tears from falling. I wasn’t even sure I could have if I’d tried. They came from deep within, silent and heavy and a little bit broken.

I didn’t know how long we sat there, but when I opened still-damp eyes, the stars were much brighter, and the sky a darker iron hue. Reaver drew back, stretching his wings.

“Hungry?” I asked, wiping my palm over my cheek.

Reaver yipped as he drew in a deep breath, rising. I took one step before noticing something on my hand.

Red.

Faint traces of watery red.

My tears.

Just like the legends said happened to Primals when struck by deep sorrow. I’d cried tears of blood.

It was late when I returned to my chambers, Aios and Bele catching me when I returned to the palace.

That evening held a different kind of first for me.

I took my supper with Bele and Aios in one of the receiving chambers, along with Reaver. I’d been so surprised by their invitation, and my head hadn’t been in the right place, so I didn’t think I’d said more than a handful of words as I learned that Nyktos had gone into Lethe to make sure everything was ready for the coronation. I might’ve drunk a wee bit too much wine, reluctant to leave the warmth of the chamber they occupied as Aios had spoken about a godling in Lethe they expected to Ascend at any moment, and a couple who was marrying. The normalcy had only been broken by the quick glances they sent each other. They started out concerned but became something else when their brief touches began to linger. Sensing they likely wanted some alone time, I left with Reaver in tow, joining Ector, who waited in the hall to escort me to my chambers.

“Where is Orphine?” I asked.

“With Nyktos,” he answered as he jerked his head to the side, narrowly avoiding one of Reaver’s wings as the draken flew ahead of us. “Fates. One of these days, I’m going to lose an eye.”

Reaver gave a disgruntled yelp as he flew up the stairs.

I glanced at Ector. “They’re still in Lethe?”

“Sort of. Some adventurous Shades traveled to the edge of the Dying Woods and are too close to the city,” he said. “They and a few others are dealing with them.”