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It was strictly a bachelor affair and all the worse for it. Obscene songs were being sung loudly and off-key. At least two punchups were going on in the grass outside at all times. There was some coming, of sober officers just off duty, but much more going of officers drunk out of their cagaling minds. I watched from hiding until .my prey emerged, stumbled, and came toward me singing hoarsely under his voice.
He staggered under the only streetlamp. A captain, about my size, lots of fake medals and decorations, just what I needed. A simple armlock from the rear, correct pressure applied, struggle feebly, unconscious, then into the hedges with him. A piece of cake.
He passed muttering by. Silent as a wraith I moved, pounced, seized, applied pressure…
And found myself sailing swiftly through the air to crash into the hedge.
“So-revolt in the ranks,” he snarled, relatively sober and on guard in an instant, crouched and approaching. I struggled to my feet, feinted with my left hand and chopped down with my right. He blocked and would have kicked me in the stomach if I hadn’t jumped aside.
“Want to kill an officer? Don’t blame you. And I have always wanted to kill a private. Good time right now.” He advanced-and I retreated. The medals had not been fakes. With great skill I had managed to find and attack what was probably the only trained combat officer in this army. Tremendous!
“Death to all officers!” I shouted and swung a wicked kick at his groin.
He was bright enough to know he was woozy, so insteadof trying to block he stepped back. I kept the kick going which pulled me around to face in the other direction.
And ran away. Discretion is the better part of valor. He who fights and pulls his freight lives to fight another date. I had no macho points to make. I just wanted to stay alive!
Dive and shoulder roll over a hedge. Roaring, he crashed through it right behind me. There were tents ahead, hard boots pounding after me. Jump over a tentrope, dodge under another. A shout and a crash behind me. Good-he had tripped over one of the ropes. A few paces gained. Run, fast as I could. Between the next row of tents and back to the street. A building up ahead, loud music and the sound of breaking glass coming from it. I was at the rear of the officers’ club.
Time to go to ground. Through the gate and into the yard, gate closed behind me, no sign of pursuit.
“You had your break, quit cagaling off, get them cases in here.”
A fat cook stood at the rear door of the kitchen under the light, blinking into the gloom of the yard. Figures stirred as the enslaved KPs moved, as slowly as possible, to the stacks of beer cases. They had their jackets off, wearing only undershirts in the steamy heat of the kitchen. I took off my own jacket, rolled it and pushed it behind the cases, seized up a beer case and followed the others inside.
Kitchen police. The most demeaning servitude in the army-which is an establishment that prides itself on demeaning servitude. KP was so degrading that it was forbidden, by military law, to give KP as a punishment. So, naturally, it was always given as a punishment. Up before dawn, laboring until late at night. Washing pots, cleaning out disgusting greasetraps in the underground plumbing, slaving at the most menial tasks that generations of warped minds had created. It was absolutely completely impossible that anyone would volunteer for this service. I would never be looked for here!
I carried the case past the cook who was acting KP pusher. He had a filthy chef’s hat on his head, sergeant’s stripes tattooed onto his beefy forearms, and was brandishing a long ladle as a weapon. He scowled as I passed then pointed the ladle in my direction. “You. Where you come from?”
“It’s a mistake,” I whimpered. “I shouldn’t be here. I didn’t do nothing like what the first sergeant said I done. Let me go back…”
“If I have my way you will never go back,” he screamed.
“You will die in this kitchen and be buried under the floor. You’re on pots and pans! Move!”
Harried by blows from the ladle I moved. To the giant metal sink to seize up the filthy metal pot waiting there. A simple labor, washing a pot. Harder perhaps when the pot is as big as you are. And another and another—and still another. Steam, hot water, soap, labor with no end.
I worked and sweated until I felt that enough time had passed for any excitement and search to have died away. As I straightened up my aching back crackled loudly. I wiped a soggy forearm across my dripping forehead. My hands were bleached, my fingers as wrinkled and pallid as long-drowned slugs. As I looked at them I felt my anger growing-this was no fit job for a stainless steel rat! I would be rusting soon …
The ladle crashed down on my shoulder and the choleric pusher roared his ungrammatical commands. “Keep working you’re go
My beast must have burst most satisfactorily, thank you, because the next thing that I was conscious of was hands pulling at my shoulders. I looked in astonishment at the gross, flaccid form beside me, a pair of giant buttocks rising high. I had my hands about the pusher’s neck, had his head buried in the soapy water where he was apparently drowning, Shocked, I pulled him up and let him slip to the floor. Gouts of water poured from nose and mouth and he gurgled moistly.
“He’ll live,” I told the circle ofwide-eyed KPs, “Any of the cooks see what happened?”
“No-they’re all drunk in the other room.”
“Great.” I tore the KP roster from the wall and shredded it. “You are all free. Return to your tents and keep your mouths shut. Unhappily, the pusher will live. Go.” Eagerly, they went. I went top, to the pegs where the cooks had discarded bits of uniform as they worked in the heat of the kitchen. There was a formerly white jacket with sergeant’s stripes on it. Perfect for my needs. Do
It was wonderful. Music played, officers roared, bottles broke, songs were sung. Uniformed Bgures slumped over the tables while others had slid to the floor. The survivors were well on their way to join the succumbed. I pushed through this alcoholic hell and greatly admired the unconscious drunks. I was still aching from the captain’s spirited defense. I had rediscovered adictum that must be as old as crime. Rolling drunks is easier than mugging.
A major in the space service caught my eye, prone on the floor and snoring. I knelt next to him and stretched my arm out next to his. Same length; his uniform should make a fine fit.
“Washa?” a voice muttered from above and I realized that my bit of tailoring measurement had not gone u
• “The major is on duty later. I was sent to get him. Come cm major, walkies, sackies.”
I struggled to lift the limp figure, aided very slightly by his friends. In the end I seized him under the arms and dragged him from the room. His departure was not noticed. Through a door and down a hall, to a storeroom filled to the ceiling with bottles of strong beverage. He would feel right at home here. With the door secured I took my time about stripping him and do
I left him dozing out of sight behind the drink. Straightened my tie. And sallied forth to save the world. Not for the first and, I had the feeling, not for the last time either. Chapter 24
I looked around at the bottles, reached for one—then slapped my wrist.
“No, Jimmy, not for you. The number of beers you had this evening will have to suffice. What you have to do will be better off done sober. ”