Страница 202 из 229
Chapter 45
In the Hall of the Three Pure Ones the Great Sage Leaves His Name
In the Kingdom of Tarrycart the Monkey King Shows His Powers
The story tells how the Great Sage Monkey pinched Friar Sand with his left hand and Pig with his right. The two of them realized what was happening and sat there on high, their heads bowed in silence, while the Taoists lit their lamps and shone them all around as they searched. The three of them looked just as if they really were made of clay covered with gold leaf.
“If no evildoers have been here,” said the Great Immortal Tiger Power, “how have the offerings all been eaten?”
“It looks as though people have eaten them,” said the Great Immortal Deer Power. “The fruit with skins has all been peeled and the stones have all been spat out of the stone fruit. But why can't we see anybody?”
“There is no need to be so suspicious, brother,” said the Great Immortal Antelope Power. “I think that the Heavenly Honoured Ones must have been moved by our reverence and respect in reciting scriptures and making readings day and night, and by the name of His Majesty. Evidently the Three Pure Lords came down to the mortal world to enjoy these offerings. I suggest that we should worship the Heavenly Honoured Ones before they fly away on their cranes. We should beg them for some holy water and golden elixir pills that we can present to His Majesty and thereby win credit for giving him immortality.”
“A good idea,” said Tiger Power. “Let there be music and recitation, my disciples,” he ordered, “and bring me my ceremonial robes so that I may pace out the Dipper dance and pray for immortality for His Majesty.”
The young Taoists did as they were told and were soon neatly drawn up in two groups. At the sound of a stone chime they all began to recite in unison the True Classic of the Way and Its Power of the Yellow Court. Throwing his religious cloak over his shoulders, Tiger Power took his jade tablet in his hands, performed the ritual dance raising the dust before the statues, prostrated himself in respect, and submitted the following memorial to the Pure Ones:
“In fear and trembling I bow my head in submission. We your subjects promote the faith and long for your pure emptiness. We are suppressing the low vulgarity of Buddhist monks and gaining respect for the brilliance of the Way. A holy temple has been built by command of His Majesty the King. Many an offering has been set out, and the dragon ba
Pig felt most uncomfortable at all this, and he murmured under his breath to Monkey, “We shouldn't have stayed to be prayed to after eating the stuff. How are we going to answer their prayers?”
Monkey gave him another pinch, opened his mouth, and called out, “Cease your worship, young immortals. We have just come from a Peach Banquet, so we did not bring any golden elixir or holy water today. We will present you with some another day.”
When the priests young and old heard the statue speaking they all twitched at their clothes and trembled as they said, “My lord, a living Heavenly Honoured One has come down to earth. Don't let him go. Whatever you do get him to give us a recipe for eternal life.”
Tiger Power then stepped forward, bowed again, and said, “Raising the dust while kowtowing in the sincerity of my heart, your humble servant dutifully worships the Three Pure Ones. Since coming to this country we have promoted the Way and suppressed the Buddhist clergy. His Majesty adores the Way and respectfully wishes to prolong his years, which is why we held this great service to heaven and recited scriptures all night. We are most fortunate that you Heavenly Honoured Ones have not disdained from descending in your holy chariots and have appeared in person. We beg you in your mercy to grant us the great boon of a little holy water to lengthen the lives of your disciples.”
“They must be desperate to get it, praying for it again,” muttered Friar Sand under his breath to Monkey, giving him a pinch.
“Then let's give them some,” said Monkey.
“But where will we get it?” mumbled Pig.
“Watch me,” said Monkey. “When I get some, you'll have some too.” The Taoists had by now finished playing their music.
“Young immortals,” said Brother Monkey, “there is no need to prostrate yourselves. I did not originally want to leave any holy water with you in case it destroyed your offspring of immortality, but there would be no difficulty at all about giving you some.”
When the Taoists heard this they all prostrated themselves, kowtowed and said, “We beg and implore the Heavenly Honoured One to grant your disciples some in recognition of the respectful devotion. We have widely taught the Way and its power and won the respect of the king for our sect of mystery.”
“Very well then,” said Monkey, “fetch a vessel.” The Taoists all once again kowtowed in thanks: Tiger Power, who liked to show off, carried in a great earthen jar that he placed in the hall. Deer Power put an earthenware dish on the table for offerings, and Antelope Power took the flowers out of a vase and put it between the other two containers.
“Withdraw from the hall, all of you,” ordered Monkey, “and screen us off. The secrets of Heaven must not be revealed. Then we can give you some holy water.” The priests then all prostrated themselves below the steps outside the hall and shut the doors.
Monkey then stood up, lifted his tiger-skin kilt, and filled the vase with stinking piss, to the delight of Pig, who said, “In all the years we've been brothers we've never done this before. I've just eaten, and you ask me to do such a thing.” The idiot then lifted his clothes and noisily filled the earthenware dish. The sound was like that of a torrent pouring down a mountainside. Friar Sand half filled the earthen jar.
Then they all straightened their clothes, sat down again, and said, “Come and receive the holy water, young immortals.”
The Taoist elders then pushed the screens aside and kowtowed in worship and gratitude. When the jar was carried out and put together with the vase and the dish they called, “Disciples, fetch me a cup to try some.” The younger Taoists fetched a teacup and handed it to the elders. The elder filled the cup, drained it, and made a show of wiping his mouth and smacking his lips.
“Is it good, brother?” asked Deer Power.
Pursing his lips together, the most senior of the elders said, “Not very. Tastes a bit off.”
“Let me have a taste,” said Antelope Power. When he had drunk a mouthful he said, “Tastes rather like pig's urine.”
When Monkey heard this from where he was sitting up there he realized that his plans had been foiled. “I'm going to play a trick just for the hell of it for them to remember me by.” Then he shouted:
“Oh, Way, Oh Way, what nonsense you imagine. What Three Pure Ones would ever descend to earth? Let me tell you our real names. We are Buddhist monks from the Great Tang, travelling West on imperial orders. Having nothing else to do this pleasant evening we decided to come down to your temple halls. We had eaten the offerings and were sitting here chatting when you started kowtowing to us and worshipping us. How did you expect us to reply. What you've been drinking there isn't holy water-it's our piss.”
Hearing this the Taoist priests shut the doors and started throwing rakes, brooms, tiles and stones wildly into the hall. Splendid Brother Monkey tucked Friar Sand under his left arm and Pig under his right, rushed out through the door and rode his cloud straight back to the abbot's lodgings in the Deep Wisdom Monastery. The three of them went back to bed without disturbing their master.