The Stainless Steel Rat for President

“Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. This is the afternoon news that is brought to you every day at this time. We have been getting reports from the capital that GeneralPresident Zapilote is feeling much better after the mild attack of food poisoning he suffered yesterday. Dear GeneralPresident, all of us here, and I know all of you out there, join in wishing you the speedy of speediest of speedy recoveries...” At this point James pressed the button on the radio-control box he was carrying. The screen shimmered for a second and the girl was replaced by a photograph of me, complete with beard, waving enthusiastically and flashing pearly teeth. The marqu6i stood at my shoulder. A woman’s voice continued the narration-but not that of the previous speaker. I recognized Angelina’s voice in an instant and gave her hand a squeeze.

“But let us not dwell on the psychosomatic illnesses of this sordid little dictator, let us instead meet the noble man who will be our next president. I refer to none other than Sir Hector Harapo, shown here with the vice-president to be, the Marqu6z de la Rosa. “These handsome and noble gentleThe Stainless Steel Rat for President ’ 141 men have just held their first election rally in Puerto Azul. It was an enormous success despite the attempts ofZapilote’s corrupt police force to prevent it. The first attempt occurred...” It was a snappy production and I enjoyed every moment of it. All the film had been edited to show the opposition in the worst possible light, while our team were unto gods. I clapped enthusiastically when it came to the end.

“Well done! My congratulations to you all. And I would pay a thousand credits to see the expression on that poxy dictator’s face at this very moment! But enough. Having finished the first part of the campaign we must look forward to the final stages. We have three months until election day and every moment must be taken up with bringing our message to the people.” “Without any of us getting shot or blown up,” Angelina said firmly.

“I could not agree more. But our message must be carried by the news media, and I would welcome suggestions on how that will be done. We can assume that our little TV tap is now being tracked down and destroyed. Once they find out what we have done our chances of fixing any other interrupters into their circuitry are less than zero. But we must have access to the news media or we have lost the election in advance. Any suggestions?” “The answer seems fairly obvious,” Angelina said. “You must interrupt the broadcasting circuitry at the most vulnerable point, which is at the same time the most inaccessible point. If you understand what I mean.” “I don’t understand,” I admitted unhappily. “I must have been hit on the head once too often yesterday.” “Morn’s right!” James said; he had not been hit on the head at all, so was therefore far ahead of me and Bolivar who was also blinking in a concussed ma

“The next step then must be a major effort to find out more about the satellites...” “Already done,” Angelina said brightly. “There is a company named Radiodifundir SA that is located at the spaceport near Puerto Azul. They service the communication and weather satellites for the government. They are a small com142 ’ The Stainless Steel Rat for President pany, so small that all of their work is done by a single and ancient spacetug that has been modified for satellite work.” Warm smiles greeted this bit of information, and we all beamed enthusiastically at one another. Being of the same mind and possessed by the same idea. I expressed the thought that was on all our lips.

“It couldn’t be that this is the only ship on this planet that can do this kind of work?” “Not only could it be-it certainly is! If this ship, the Populacho, was out of action it would be some months at least before another could be found, modified and brought here.” I rubbed my hands together in anticipation. “The next step is painfully clear. Relay units . must be constructed, designed for installation on each satellite. They must be self-powered and will operate when they receive our coded signal. In that ma

“The ayes have it. We will now plan to commit a crime in the name of the greater good of democracy. “ “Who’s the fascist-anarchist now?” I growled.

“Not us,” Angelina smiled in sweet answer. “We’re just pragmatists. Our hearts are pure and our motives of the best. And the results of our actions will be for the greater good of all.” TL.” C1I:""l^rrr c”. ~i n-i. r r• i iii~ Jltiiiiicaa JICCI i[ii lur rreiilueni tj “Say that to the owners of the Populacho,” I snarled, “when they find their spaceship at the bottom of a smoking crater. “ But she was unflappable. “They will get recompense from their insurers and buy a new and better ship. Isn’t that what you always say?” There was of course no answer to that other than to bite savagely into a piece of toast. But even as I chewed I smiled. “You are a fine crew and I ca

Chapter 26

“How does it look?” I said, leaning out of the car window and calling up to Bolivar who sat on the roof above me with the high-power binoculars. •” “They’re sealing the loading hatch now, so they should be ready for takeoff soon. Wait-yes-one of the crew has just come down and disco

“You’re adorable! I just love your kinky white nurse’s outfit. If only you had brought a white whip with you.” “Do you really like it?” she asked, ignoring the crude flagellation fu