The Secret History

Years ago, in an old notebook, I wrote: 'One of Julian's most attractive qualities is his inability to see anyone, or anything, in its true light.' And under it, in a different ink, 'maybe one of my most attractive qualities, as well (?)'

It has always been hard for me to talk about Julian without romanticizing him. In many ways, I loved him the most of all; I and it is with him that i am most tempted to embroider, to.^ flatter, to basically reinvent. I think that is because Julian himself "

" was constantly in the process of reinventing the people and events around him, conferring kindness, or wisdom, or bravery, or charm, on actions which contained nothing of the sort. It was one of the reasons I loved him: for that flattering light in which he saw me, for the person I was when I was with him, for what it was he allowed me to be.

Now, of course, it would be easy for me to veer to the opposite extreme. I could say that the secret of Julian's charm was that he latched on to young people who wanted to feel better than everybody else; that he had a strange gift for twisting feelings of inferiority into superiority and arrogance. I could also say that he did this not through altruistic motives but selfish ones, in order to fulfill some egotistic impulse of his own. And I could elaborate on this at some length and with, I believe, a fair degree of accuracy. But still that would not explain the fundamental magic of his personality or why – even in the light of subsequent events – I still have an overwhelming wish to see him the way that I first saw him: as the wise old man who appeared to me out of nowhere on a desolate strip of road, with a bewitching offer to make all my dreams come true.

But even in fairy tales, these kindly old gentlemen with their fascinating offers are not always what they seem to be. That should not be a particularly difficult truth for me to accept at this point but for some reason it is. More than anything I wish I could say that Julian's face crumbled when he heard what we had done.

I wish I could say that he put his head on the table and wept, wept for Bu

And the thing is, I had a strong temptation to say he had done these things anyway, though it wasn't at all the truth.

George Orwell – a keen observer of what lay behind the glitter of constructed facades, social and otherwise – had met Julian on several occasions, and had not liked him. To a friend he wrote: 'Upon meeting Julian Morrow, one has the impression that he is a man of extraordinary sympathy and warmth. But what you call his "Asiatic serenity" is, I think, a mask for great coldness. The face one shows him he invariably reflects back at one, creating the illusion of warmth and depth when in fact he is brittle and shallow as a mirror. Acton' – this, apparently, Harold Acton, who was also in Paris then and a friend to both Orwell and Julian 'disagrees.

But I think he is not a man to be trusted.'

I have thought a great deal about this passage, also about a particularly shrewd remark once made by, of all people, Bu

'Y'know,' he said, 'Julian is like one of those people that'll pick all his favorite chocolates out of the box and leave the rest.' This seems rather enigmatic on the face of it, but actually I ca

When I disagreed – strenuously – and asked what was wrong with focusing one's entire attention on only two things, if those two things were Art and Beauty, Laforgue replied: 'There is nothing wrong with the love of Beauty. But Beauty – unless she is wed to something more meaningful – is always superficial. It is not that your Julian chooses solely to concentrate on certain, exalted things; it is that he chooses to ignore others equally as important.'

It's fu

Charles was released from the hospital the following day. Despite Francis's insistence that he come to his house for a while, he insisted on going home to his own apartment. His cheeks were sunken; he'd lost a lot of weight and he needed a haircut. He was sullen and depressed. We didn't tell him what had happened.

I felt sorry for Francis. I could tell he was worried about Charles, and upset that he was so hostile and uncommunicative.

'Would you like some lunch?' he asked him.

'No.'

'Come on. Let's go to the Brasserie.'

'I'm not hungry.'

'It'll be good. I'll buy you one of those roulage things you like for dessert.'

We went to the Brasserie. It was eleven o'clock in the morning.

By an unfortunate coincidence, the waiter sat us at the table by the window where Francis and I had sat with Julian less than twenty-four hours before. Charles wouldn't look at a menu. He ordered two Bloody Marys and drank them in quick succession.

Then he ordered a third.

Francis and I put down our forks and exchanged an uneasy glance.

'Charles,' Francis said, 'why don't you get an omelet or something?'

'I told you I'm not hungry.'

Francis picked up a menu and gave it a quick once-over. Then he motioned to the waiter.

'I said I'm not fucking hungry,' said Charles without looking up.

He was having a hard time keeping his cigarette balanced between his first and middle fingers.

Nobody had much to say after that. We finished eating and got the check, not before Charles had time to finish his third Bloody Mary and order a fourth. We had to help him to the car.

I was not much looking forward to going to Greek class, but when Monday rolled around I got up and went anyway. Henry and Camilla arrived separately – in case Charles decided to show up, I think – which, thank God, he didn't. Henry, I noticed, was puffy and very pale. He stared out the window and ignored Francis and me.

Camilla was nervous – embarrassed, maybe, by the way Henry was acting. She was anxious to hear about Charles and asked a number of questions, to most of which she didn't receive any response at all. Soon it was ten after; then fifteen.

'I've never known Julian to be this late,' said Camilla, looking at her watch.

Suddenly, Henry cleared his throat. His voice was strange and rusty, as if fallen into disuse. 'He's not coming,' he said.

We turned to look at him.

'What?' said Francis.

'I don't think he's going to come today.'

Just then we heard footsteps, and a knock at the door. It wasn't Julian, but the Dean of Studies. He creaked open the door and looked inside.

'Well, well,' he said. He was a sly, balding man in his early fifties who had a reputation for being kind of a smart-aleck. 'So this is what the I

I've never once been allowed up here.'

We looked at him.

'Not bad,' he said ruminatively. 'I remember about fifteen years ago, before they built the new Science Building, they had to stick some of the counselors up here. This one psychologist liked to leave her door open, thought it gave things a friendly feeling. "Good morning," she'd say to Julian whenever he walked past her door, "have a nice day." Can you believe that Julian phoned Charming Williams, my wicked predecessor, and threat ened to quit unless she was moved?" He chuckled.' "That dreadful woman." That's what he called her. "I can't bear that dreadful woman accosting me every time I happen to walk by."'