Binding 13

30

We'll manage

Sha

"How's the face, Shan?" Joey asked when I walked into kitchen a little after midnight.

He and Aoife were sitting at the table with coffee mugs in front of them and wore matching looks of concern.

"Jesus," he muttered, flinching at the sight of me.

"I'm okay, Joe." I forced a smile to comfort him. "It looks worse than it feels."

That was a lie.

My face was killing me.

Every inch of my body was in agony.

I was black and blue from head to toe.

Thankfully, the only visible evidence of last night was a small shiner on my cheekbone.

It was the rest of my body that had taken the brunt of his fury.

My only saving grace was it was cold out and I could hide my bruises with baggy sweatpants and long-sleeved shirts.

My lie didn’t seem to comfort my brother, though.

He just stared back at me, looking broken and defeated.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Shan," my brother choked out, dropping his head in his hands. "I should have been here."

Joey had gone to the cinema with Aoife last night and I was glad.

Had he been here, I knew in my heart that someone would have left this house in a body bag.

"It's not your fault," I told him sharply. "None of what happened last night was your fault. You're entitled to have a life, Joey."

"Did you manage to get Sean to go to sleep?" Aoife asked, smiling sadly at me as she thankfully changed the subject.

"Finally." I sighed heavily. "Tadhg and Ollie are out for the count. But Sean…god, he's in an awful way over Mam." I tucked my frazzled hair behind my ears and leaned against the kitchen counter. "He was sobbing his heart out for hours. He ended up crying himself to sleep."

"Fucking cunts," Joey muttered beneath his breath.

"Joey," Aoife coaxed. "Don’t say that."

"Say what, babe?" he countered hotly. "The truth? Because that's what they are. A pack of fucking cunts."

"She's still your mother," Aoife replied sadly.

"And she's worse than him," my brother shot back. "Leaving those kids here on their own." He ran a hand through his blond hair and growled. "She could pick up the phone and talk to the boys, but no, like always, she runs and buries her head in the sand."

Unlike Aoife, I didn’t flinch at my brother's words.

They might be hard to hear, but they held nothing but the truth.

Joey's girlfriend was absolutely stu

Aoife was in love with my brother, so I guessed that explained the horrified look on her face and the way she constantly stroked her fingers over the back of his hand.

"Let's see what we're dealing with," Joey said with a sigh.

Reaching into his jeans pocket, he pulled out his wallet, tossed it on the table, and then went back for the loose change rattling around in his jeans.

"I don’t get paid again until next Thursday," he muttered more to himself than us as he tipped the contents of his wallet on the table and began to count. "Which leaves us with exactly –" he paused to stack a few coins. "Eighty-seven euro and thirty cents for the next six days."

"That's good, right?" Aoife offered with forced optimism.

Joey nodded cautiously. "It should work."

"You know I'd help if I could," I croaked out, feeling like deadweight around my brother's neck. "But he won't let me get a job–"

"Stop," Joey commanded. "Don’t even think about taking on blame for this, Shan."

But I did.

I felt incredibly guilty.

There was something about me that caused all this pain.

If I wasn’t in this house, I was fairly sure my family wouldn’t have half the problems they did.

Mam took a beating from my father because of me.

Because he hated me.

I was the problem.

Joey exhaled heavily. "Check the fridge for me."

Reluctantly, I did as I was told.

Yanking the fridge open, I held the door out for Joey to see for himself.

"Fucking cunts," he growled once more, taking in the sight of the almost bare shelves inside the fridge.

"The cupboards are the same," I decided to fill in before he asked me to open those, too. "Mam usually does the shopping on a Saturday."

"Usually," Joey tossed out bitterly.

"She wouldn’t leave like this, Joe," I whispered. "She'd never leave us without the shopping."

"Well, she did," he snapped. "And it's grand, Shan. We'll manage."

"Okay," I croaked out.

Ru

"No way, Joey. You ca

"No, babe," Joey replied wearily. "I can't let the kids go hungry, and god only knows when that bitch will come back."

"I can help you with –"

"I am not taking your money, Aoife," Joey cut her off by saying. "So please don’t offer."

"Joey, I want to help you."

"And I love you for that, but I'm not taking handouts from my girlfriend."

"Do you know where she is?" Aoife asked then, directing the question at me.

She was clearly desperate to comfort him and didn’t know how.

I wanted to tell her she couldn’t, we were too damaged, but I held my tongue and addressed her question instead. "I presume she's gone to find him."

It was a depressing thought, but more than likely the truth.

"Guys," Aoife said in a nervous tone. "Don’t bite my head off for this, but should you think about calling the authorities?"

Joey gaped at her like she had grown three heads.

Panic flared up inside of my chest.

Aoife, noticing our reactions, turned bright red.

"He can't keep doing this to you," she quickly explained. "And you're both here alone looking after three small children…It's not right or fair on any of you."

"No, it's not right or fair on us," Joey snapped. "But Sha

"Joey!" I hissed, shaking my head.

"Look at us, Shan," he groaned. "She can already see how fucked up we are."

I knew that, but I continued to shake my head.

Ignoring my silent protests, Joey went into a full-on rant, revealing our biggest fear, the one that kept us silent for most of our lives.

"When we were small. Before the boys were born – when it was just Darren, Sha

Aoife's eyes widened and I smothered a groan. "You never told me that."

"It's not something I go around talking about, babe," he replied gruffly. "Besides, I was only six at the time." He inclined his head towards me and said, "Shan was only three. Mam placed us in voluntary care – said she was too sick to care for us at the time. Dropped us off and walked the fuck away. Sha

Tears filled my eyes because I knew what Joey was going to say next.

"Joe, please don’t," I begged.

"He was sent to a care home where things happened to him," Joey choked out. "Things that aren’t supposed to happen to children."