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“Oh,” said the judge, “that’s different”
He looked at Sir Magnus, convinced by now that he was an authority on elephants.
“Can elephants walk up stairs?” he asked.
“Indubitably,” said Sir Magnus.
“Anyway,” said Lady Fe
The judge leant forward and stared at her, puzzled. “But I always though,” he said, “that a howdah was a thing that elephants wore on their backs.”
“They do,” said Lady Fe
“But then, how,” asked the judge plaintively, “did they manage to get the elephant into the howdah?”
Sir Augustus leapt to his feet once more, aware that Lady Fe
“My lord,” he said, “Lord Fe
The judge started to make small squeaking, snuffling noises to himself, shaking all over as though with ague. It was some seconds before the court realised that he was laughing. Presently, still trembling with mirth, he wiped his eyes and leant forward.
“What you could almost call, Sir Augustus, a pretty how da do, eh?” he said and lapsed once more into helpless laughter.
“Ha, ha,” said Sir Augustus dutifully. “Extremely witty, my lord.”
A ghastly silence settled over the court while the judge grappled with his sense of humour. Presently, wiping his eyes on his handkerchief and blowing his nose, he waved a hand at Lady Fe
“My guests were all enjoying the humble but adequate entertainment that we were offering them,” said Lady Fe
“Slid?” enquired the judge.
“Slid,” said Lady Fe
The judge peered at Sir Augustus. “I am not altogether sure,” he said, “that I understand the witness.”
“It slid, my lord,” said Sir Augustus, “on the parquet floor.”
“Slid,” said the judge musingly. He looked at Sir Magnus. “Can elephants slide?” he enquired.
“Given a suitable polished surface and sufficient impetus, I believe, my lord, that even an elephant may slide,” said Sir Magnus.
“Was it meant to slide?” enquired the judge, looking at Lady Fe
“Whether it was meant to slide or not is beside the point, she said crisply. “It slid straight into all the tables containing the food and wine. My husband was in the howdah in his ridiculous outfit and he and the howdah fell off. I approached him and asked him why he had seen fit to introduce an elephant into my ballroom.”
“A good question,” said the judge, struck by Lady Fe
“He said,” said Lady Fe
“Well,” said the judge judicially, “it was an honest answer. It was a surprise, wasn’t it?”
“Since that evening,” said Lady Fe
“I couldn’t agree with you more,” said the judge with decision. “That is exactly what I think myself.”
“May I continue?” enquired Lady Fe
“Of course, of course,” said the judge. “Yes, by all means. What happened next?”
He sat forward and fixed his gaze eagerly upon Lady Fe
“The food was, of course, ruined,” said Lady Fe
“By George!” said the judge. “What did you do, eh?”
“Being a mere woman,” said Lady Fe
“Very proper,” said the judge. “It must have been a harrowing experience.”
Lady Fe
“When I came to,” she said, “I found myself on a salmon.”
“It seems to me,” said the judge in a puzzled ma
Sir Augustus closed his eyes for a moment.
“Yes, my lord,” he said, “but the salmon was dead.”
“Well, it would be, in a ballroom,” said the judge. “Bound to be. Unless there was a fountain or something.”
“There is no fountain in our ballroom,” said Lady Fe
“Well, there you are,” said the judge in triumph. “It shows it must have been dead.”
“It was a cold salmon,” said Lady Fe
“Because it was dead?” enquired the judge.
Sir Augustus rose to his feet once again with a long-suffering air.
“For the edification of the guests, my lord,” he said, “Lady Fe
“Fascinating,” said the judge. “I ca
“When I recovered consciousness, I was on the salmon. I was just in time to see Sir Hubert Darcey being picked up by the elephant and dashed to the ground in what was obviously a deliberate attempt to kill him.”
Lady Fe
“It’s a lie!” he shouted, leaping to his feet. “Rosy never harmed anyone in her life. You’re just a vindictive old cow.”
A wave of excitement and admiration ran through the court. Lady Fe
“My lord,” she said with biting sweetness, “do you normally allow witnesses to be insulted in your court?”
“Not normally,” said the judge absent-mindedly. “But tell me, what has this cow got to do with it? Seems to me there are far too many animals in this case.”
Sir Augustus, looking like a very unsuccessful Horatio at the bridge, got unsteadily to his feet.
“I think, my lord,” he said, “that the witness has made it quite clear that the elephant was large, malevolent, uncontrolled and, indeed, uncontrollable, and with the wild creature’s natural desire to kill.”
“Rubbish!” shouted Adrian.
“Will you shut up,” said Sir Magnus, waking up for a brief moment. “You’re doing more harm than good, ranting and raving like that. Leave the old cow to me.”
“I think,” said Sir Augustus, ignoring Adrian’s outburst with exquisite courtesy, “I have made it plain to your lordship and to this fine body of men that make up the jury, that on two occasions this wild animal was allowed by the person who was supposed to be in charge of it, to wit Adrian Rookwhistle, to run riot. The extraordinary thing is, and indeed we have to thank a merciful providence for this, that nobody was killed.”
He sat down with a faint air of satisfaction and Sir Magnus rose slowly to his feet.