Portnoy’s Complaint

So. Now you know the worst thing I have ever done. I fucked my own family's di

Unless you share with The Monkey her contention that the most heinous crime of my career was abandoning her in Greece. Second most heinous: leading her into that triumverate in Rome. In her estimation- some estimation, that!- I am solely responsible for making that ménag e, because mine is the stronger and more moral nature. "The Great Humanitarian!" she cries. "The one whose job it is to protect the poor poor people against their landlords! You, who gave me that U.S.A . to read! You're why I got that application blank to Hunter! You're why I'm killing myself to be something more than just somebody's dumb and stupid piece of ass! And now you want to treat me like I'm nothing but just some hump, to use-use for every kinky weirdo thing you want to do-and like you're supposed to be the superior intellectual! Who goes on educational fucking television! "

You see, in this Monkey's estimation it was my mission to pull her up from those very abysses of frivolity and waste, of perversity and wildness and lust, into which I myself have been so vainly trying all my life successfully to sink- I am supposed to rescue her from those very temptations I have been struggling all these years to yield to! And it is of no consequence to her whatsoever that in bed she herself has been fantasying about this arrangement no less feverishly than I have. Doctor, I ask you, who was it that made the suggestion in the first place? Since the night we met, just who has been tempting whom with the prospect of yet another woman in our bed? Believe me. I'm not trying to slither out of my slime- I am trying to slither into it!- but it must be made absolutely clear, to you and me if not to her, that this hopelessly neurotic woman, this pathetic screwy hillbilly cunt, is hardly what could be called my victim. I simply will not bend to that victim shit! Now she's thirty, wants to be married and a mother, wants to be respectable and live in a house with a husband (particularly as the high-paying years of her glamorous career appear to be just about over), but it does not follow that just because she imagines herself victimized and deprived and exploited (and may even be, taking a long view of her life), that I am the one upon whom they are going to pin the rap. I didn't make her thirty years old and single. I didn't take her from the coal fields of West Virginia and make her my personal charge- and I didn't put her in bed with that streetwalker either! The fact is that it was The Monkey herself, speaking her high-fashion Italian, who leaned out of our rented car and explained to the whore what it was we wanted and how much we were willing to pay. I simply sat there behind the wheel, one foot on the gas pedal, like the get-away driver that I am… And, believe me, when that whore climbed into the back seat, I thought no; and at the hotel, where we managed to send her up alone to our room, by way of the bar, I thought no again. No! No! No!

She wasn't bad-looking, this whore, sort of round and dumpy, but in her early twenties and with a big pleasant open face- and just stupendous tits. Those were what we'd picked her out for, after driving slowly up and down the Via Veneto examining the merchandise on parade. The whore, whose name was Lina, took her dress off standing in the middle of the room; underneath she wore a "merry widow" corset, from which the breasts bubbled up at one end, and the more than ample thighs rippled out at the other. I was astonished by the garment and its theatricality- but then I was astonished by everything, above all, that we had gone ahead after all these months of talking, and finally done it.

The Monkey came out of the bathroom in her short chemise (ordinarily a sight that made me very hot, that cream-colored silk chemise with a beautiful Monkey in it), and I meanwhile took off all my clothes and sat naked at the foot of the bed. That Lina spoke not a word of English only intensified the feeling that began to ebb and flow between The Monkey and myself, a kind of restrained sadism: we could speak to one another, exchange secrets and plans without the whore's understanding- as she and The Monkey could whisper in Italian without my knowledge of what they might be saying, or plotting… Lina spoke first and The Monkey turned to translate. "She says you have a big one." " Ill bet she says that to all the boys." Then they stood there in their underwear looking my way- waiting . But so was I waiting too. And was my heart pounding. It had to come to pass, two women and me… so now what happens? Still, you see, I'm saying to myself No!

"She wants to know," said The Monkey, after Lina had spoken a second time, "where the signore would like her to begin." "The signore ," said I, "wishes her to begin at the begi

I can best describe the state I subsequently entered as one of unrelieved busy-ness . Boy, was I busy! I mean there was just so much to do. You go here and I'll go there- okay, now you go here and I'll go there- all right, now she goes down that way, while I head up this way, and you sort of half turn around on this… and so it went, Doctor, until I came my third and final time. The Monkey was by then the one with her back on the bed, and I the one with my ass to the chandelier (and the cameras, I fleetingly thought)-and in the middle, feeding her tits into my Monkey's mouth, was our whore. Into whose hole, into what sort of hole, I deposited my final load is entirely a matter for conjecture. It could be that in the end I wound up fucking some dank, odoriferous combination of sopping Italian pubic hair, greasy American buttock, and absolutely rank bedsheet. Then I got up, went into the bathroom, and, you'll all be happy to know, regurgitated my di

When I came out of the bathroom. The Monkey and Lina were lying asleep in one another's arms.

The Monkey's pathetic weeping, the recriminations and the accusations, began immediately after Lina had dressed and departed. I bad delivered her into evil. "Me? You're the one who stuck your finger up her snatch and got the ball rolling! You kissed her on the fucking lips-!" "Because," she screamed, "if I'm going to do something, then like I do it! But that doesn't mean I want to!" And then. Doctor, she began to berate me about Lina's tits, how I hadn't played with them enough. "All you ever talk about and think about is tits! Other people's tits! Mine are so small and everybody else's in the world you see are so huge-so you finally get a pair that are tremendous , and what do you do? Nothing! " "Nothing is an exaggeration, Monkey- the fact of the matter is that I couldn't always fight my way past you- " "I am not a lesbian! Don't you dare call me a lesbian! Because if I am, you made me one!" "Oh Jesus, no- I" "I did it for you, yes- and now you hate me for it!" "Then we won't do it again, for me , all right? Not if this is the fucking ridiculous result!"

Except the next night we got each other very steamed up at di

When The Monkey stepped out of the bathroom and saw that the ball game was already under way, she wasn't entirely pleased. She sat down on the edge of the bed, her little features smaller than I had ever seen them, and declining an invitation to participate, silently watched until I had had my orgasm and Lina had finished faking hers. Obligingly then- sweetly, really- Lina made for between my mistress' long legs, but The Monkey pushed her away and went off to sit and sulk in a chair by the window. So Lina- not a person overly sensitive to interpersonal struggle- lay back on the pillow beside me and began to tell us all about herself. The bane of existence was the abortions. She was the mother of one child, a boy, with whom she lived on Monte Mario ("in a beautiful new building," The Monkey translated). Unfortunately she could not manage, in her situation, any more than one- "though she loves children"- and so was always in and out of the abortionist's office. Her only precautionary device seemed to be a spermicidal douche of no great reliability.

I couldn't believe that she had never heard of either the diaphragm or the birth-control pill. I told The Monkey to explain to her about modern means of contraception that she could surely avail herself of, probably with only a little ingenuity. I got from my mistress a very wry look. The whore listened but was skeptical. It distressed me considerably that she should be so ignorant about a matter pertaining to her own well-being (there on the bed with her fingers wandering around in my damp pubic hair): That fucking Catholic church, I thought…

So, when she left us that night, she had not only fifteen thousand of my lire in her handbag, but a month's supply of The Monkey's Enovid- that I had given to her.

"Oh, you are some savior!" The Monkey shouted, after Lina had left.

"What do you want her to do- get knocked up every other week? What sense does that make?"

"What do I care what happens to her! " said The Monkey, her voice turning rural and mean. "She's the whore! And all you really wanted to do was to fuck her! You couldn't even wait until I was out of the john to do it! And then you gave her my pills!"