Your children are not your children

There is such a notion – a «mirror» stage. First, your child sees himself as if in the mirror, then there is a transitive stage and he stops speaking in the third person about himself. Sometimes calling himself by his name, the child means a certain part of himself, that his parents accept or call somehow. Also he knows that there is one more part of him that his parents don’t accept, but scold and punish. The part the parents don’t need. So he doesn’t call this part of him by his name, because the parents don’t need this part. The child feels that when he does something his parents like, he is Max, but when he does things he likes, he is not Max, but someone else. When his parents start to accept the whole child without any divisions, he will stop dividing himself into the one, who his mother needs, and into the one, who she doesn’t need.

Sometimes a child is a «black sheep» in the family. For example, in the family of lawyers, the son becomes an actor or a clown. Why does it happen? Is that the absence of upbringing?

This isn’t the absence of upbringing, but the suppression of the children’s personality. This may not be the conscious choice of the parents, who accept the unique personality of their children and let them be what they want. Often such freedom of choice is the consequence of the successful parents’ business. They just have no time to «model» their children to fit certain image. This children are very «lucky» – the parents weren’t close all the time, didn’t impress their complexes and stereotypes on them, and didn’t shape them to the needed pattern. So unwittingly, they became the best parents ever. Their children grew up into people who know what they want, know what they can do best and do it. These children are lucky. It happens.

When is the right time to speak to a child about money?

You can touch upon this topic when children feel interest in money and start asking questions. You shouldn’t worship money and make it a life goal. It’s stupid. However, to undervalue it and lie that money is not necessary is also stupid. Teach children to think about money as energy. You have made something, created a value, which somebody will like and buy it providing you with money you can freely dispose of. That is, you get the energy and you can direct it anywhere, but before you have to create a value and make people ready to pay for it. My daughter once told me, «Let’s go and buy a doll!» – «Where will we get money?» – «We’ll ask mum.» – «Where does she get money?» – «She gets it at work.» – «How is that?» – «She cuts people’s hair.» – «She doesn’t just cut hair. Your mum cuts their hair so good that they like it and are ready to pay for it and come back to her over and over again.» Now my daughter knows: to have money you have to create something.

How to make children understand the value of money if they are from a rich family?

It’s absolutely true that the understanding of value isn’t instilled by rejections. Very often better-off parents don’t buy an expensive toy for a child saying that it is expensive. This is hypocrisy, and this isn’t the way to form a value. This is the trick of the parents, who have money, to demonstrate their power over a child, who doesn’t have it, and to provoke the child to beg, to ask, to plead, to persuade and promise something while they glory their importance and irreplaceability. You can’t say «no» only because of the price. Dualism is a wonderful phenomenon. It’s when people want to divide everything into «good» and «bad,» «good» and «evil,» «cheap» and «expensive.» The only thing is important, if it’s valuable for you or not. If you really need something, it can’t be expensive. You may be just earning little money.

So when children ask something, talk to them: «Why do you need it? What do you want to do with it? Why do you want it now?» Then it will be clear to you, why do children want this thing and you will be able to decide if you take part in buying it or not. You will be appropriate and adequate unlike the parents, who play a caring mother and a father, saying «no» to the child just because they want their neighbors to praise them: «Look! They are rich, but they don’t spoil their children! That’s the spirit!»

Involve children into earning money as into the game, which opens a range of opportunities. My mother kept saying, «If you want to eat – we’ll feed you, but if you want some luxuries – go and earn money yourself.» She helped me to get a job and didn’t take away my money. That’s why I have always known that earning money is super. A different matter is that not all better-off parents want their children to earn money, because in this case the children lose their dependence on them. Such parents often have nervous children, who are sure that they are complete zeros without their mom and dad. However, even millionaires have kids who don’t care about their parents’ money, because they know they can earn as much as they need. Thus, millionaires having bought houses for their children feel deceived and start taking offence when children refuse to live in them. Are they taking offence because their child turned to be unsuitable for manipulation and independent, not a stupid sheep? They must be happy.

My son likes only Japanese cartoons, anime. I can’t say that I’m interested in anime as well. When he tries to discuss them with me, I get bored to speak and listen about it. I really tried to understand – it doesn’t work. But I want to have something in common with my son.

You have got common life, but your hobbies may be different. For example, my wife is a hairdresser, and I’m a coach. We have different hobbies, priorities and values. We have different views on the world. I don’t tell her about motorcycles, she doesn’t tell me about hair dye – there are plenty of other interesting topics. Just accept that your son is interested in anime. Don’t criticize these cartoons and don’t try to love them like he does. Just don’t avoid him, when he wants to share with you. My daughter also tells me about her friends from the kindergarten, although I have never seen them. But I understand that at the moment when she is discussing them with me, she is eager to share with someone, and she has no other friend to tell it. I listen to her, I nod, but I don’t criticize, don’t give advice, if she doesn’t ask. Nobody asks for more from you. It’s enough that you listen to your son. The problem is that you think, «If I’m a mother I have to tell something important and clever to my child.» We are afraid of talking to our kids because it seems that if children share we have to share as well, but we have nothing to share. So we turn our back on children. Our children don’t need anything of what you are thinking. Just be with them. It’s like when you visit your parents and they present you with three jars of mom’s pickled cucumbers and two jars of strawberry jam. It’s quite clear that you can buy everything in the supermarket, but you better take these jars, because your parents want to be useful. Give them that opportunity.

Together with my husband, we decided to give our children a certain sum of money every week. But sometimes we just don’t have it. I don’t know if we can tell our children that we don’t have money or our agreement is more important and if we have promised we should provide them with this sum of money.