Incubus Dreams

“Lucky,” Louie said, and that one word sounded like it meant anything but, lucky.

“I know,” Micah said, and he put an arm around my shoulders and moved me just a little back from Louie, so there was room for him to get through the open car door.

Louie nodded again, too rapidly, and too many times. “Lucky.” He slid into the car, and Jason shut the door behind him.

Jason leaned into me. “What just happened?”

It wasn’t my secret to tell, but it felt like dirty pool sending Jason to drive Louie home without warning him. “It’s his secret to tell, not mine. I’m sorry. But let’s just say he’s had a rough night.”

Louie knocked on the window. The sound made both Jason and me jump. Micah had either seen it coming, or had better nerves than we did. Jason moved back enough so the door could open. “Don’t bother to whisper this close to the car. I can hear you.”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“Don’t be, it’s not like he didn’t see the fight. Tell him, so I don’t have to.” And Louie closed the door again. He leaned his head back against the seat, and more of those completely silent tears began to escape him.

We all looked away, as if it were somehow shameful to watch. I think we’d have been less embarrassed if he’d been undressed. “What is up?” Jason said.

“He proposed to Ro

Jason’s mouth dropped open just like mine had. “You are joking me.”

I shook my head. “Wish I was.”

“But they are like one of the happiest couples I know.”

I shrugged. “I don’t explain the news, I just report it.”

“Shit,” Jason said. He glanced back at his car, and at Louie.

“I’ll get him home.”

“Thanks.”

Jason gave me a shadow of his usual grin. “Well, can’t send him home with you. Wouldn’t that complicate the hell out of things?”

“What?” I asked.

Micah kissed me on the side of the face. “Theardeur rising with Louie in the car. Speaking of which…”

“You guys go,” Jason said, “we’ll be okay.”

I kissed him on the cheek, quick and sisterly. “You’re a braver man than I am, Gunga Din.”

He laughed. “That’s not the original quote, is it?”

“Not exactly, but it’s still true.”

He looked suddenly serious again. Very unJasonlike. “I don’t know if I’m brave or not, but I’ll get him tucked in.”

“We have to go,” Micah said. He started leading me toward our Jeep.

I kept looking back as Jason went around the car and got in. Louie sat motionless, head back. From a distance, you couldn’t tell he was crying.

Micah pulled me in against his body, hugging me loosely to his side. I leaned in against the solidness of him and slid my arm around his waist, so that we finished the walk touching from chest to thigh.

I was glad he was with me. Glad we were driving home together. Glad that home meant both of us.

Nathaniel was leaning against the side of the Jeep watching us walk toward him. He was leaning with his hands behind him so that his weight trapped his hands behind him, pi

Peaceful to be abused. Peaceful. I’d asked him why he enjoyed it once, and he’d told me that it made him feel peaceful. It made him feel safe.

How could being tied up make you feel safe? How could letting someone hurt you, even a little, make you feel good? I didn’t get it.

I just didn’t get it. Maybe if I’d understood it better, I’d have been less afraid to go that last mile with him. What if we had intercourse and it wasn’t enough? What if he just kept pushing, pushing me to do things that I found… frightening? He was supposed to be the submissive, and I was his dominant. Didn’t that mean that I was in charge? Didn’t that mean he did what I said? No. I’d had to learn enough to understand Nathaniel and some of the other wereleopards, because he wasn’t the only one with interesting hobbies. The submissive had a safe word, and once they said that word, all the play stopped. So in the end, the dominant had an illusion of power, but really the submissive got to say how far things went, and when they stopped. I’d thought I could control Nathaniel because he was so submissive, but it was tonight that I realized the truth. I wasn’t in control anymore. I didn’t know what was going to happen with Nathaniel, or me, or Micah. The thought terrified me, so I thought about it, really thought about it. What if I found Nathaniel a new place to live? What if I found him a new place to be? A new life?

I rolled it over in my mind as we walked across the pavement. I thought about sending him home with someone else, letting him weep on someone else’s shoulder. But more than that, I thought about getting under the covers with only Micah on one side, and no one on the other side. Nathaniel had his side of the bed now. I hadn’t realized it until that second, hadn’t let myself realize it. The three of us enjoyed readingTreasure Island to each other. For Micah and me it was a revisiting of childhood favorites, for the most part, but for Nathaniel most of the books were new to him. He’d never had anyone read to him before bedtime. Never had anyone share their books with him. What kind of childhood is it without books, stories to share? I knew that he’d had an older brother, who died, and a father who died, and a mother who died. That they’d died, I knew, but not how, or when, except that he’d been young when it happened. He didn’t like talking about it, and I didn’t like seeing the look in his eyes when he did, so I didn’t push. I didn’t have a right to push if I wasn’t his girlfriend. I didn’t have a right to push if I wasn’t his lover. I was only his Nimir-Ra, and he didn’t owe me his life story.

I thought about not having Nathaniel in the bed, not for feeding, but not having him there to hear the rest of the story. To hear what happened when Jim realizes what a soft-hearted villain Long John Silver really is. The thought of him not being there at that moment when we come to the end of the adventure was painful, a wrenching kind of pain, as if my stomach and my heart both hurt at the same time.

He opened the door and held it for me, because this close to theardeur, it wasn’t always good that I was driving. He held the door and was as neutral as he could be, as I moved past him. I didn’t know what to do, so I let him be neutral, and I was neutral, too. But as I buckled my seat belt in place and he closed the door, I realized that I would miss him. Not miss him because my life ran smoother with him than without him, but I would simply miss him. Miss the vanilla scent of him on my pillow; the warmth of his body on his side of the bed; the spill of his hair like some tangled, living blanket. If I could have stopped my list there, I’d have sent Nathaniel to his room for the night; he did still have a room where all his stuff stayed, all his stuff but him. But I couldn’t stop the list there, not and be honest.

He’d cried when Charlotte died, inCharlotte’s Web. I wouldn’t have missed seeing him cry over a dead spider for anything. It had been Nathaniel’s idea that we could have a movie marathon of old monster flicks. You have not lived until you’ve sat throughThe Wolf Man (1941), The Curse of the Werewolf (1961), andThe Werewolf (1956) with a bunch of shapeshifters. They had heckled the screen and thrown popcorn, and howled, sometimes literally, at the movie version of what they knew all too well. The wereleopards had all complained, that at least werewolves had some movies, that once you’d named, Cat People, the leopards didn’t have any movies. Most of the werewolves had known about the 1980 version, but almost no one had known about the original in 1950. We had another movie night pla

I was looking forward to it. I tried picturing the night without Nathaniel. No Nathaniel coming and going out of the kitchen with popcorn and soda, making people use coasters. No Nathaniel sitting on the floor, next to my legs, half the night spent with his head on my knee, and the other half playing his hand up and down my calf. It wasn’t sexual, he just felt better touching me. The entire pard, and pack, felt better touching each other. It was possible to be up close and personal without it being sexual. It really was, just not usually for me.

Which brought me back to the problem at hand. Fu

He didn’t want to be saved. No, that wasn’t true. Nathaniel already thought he had been saved. I’d saved him. I’d been treating him like a prince who needed to find his princess, but that was all wrong. Nathaniel was the princess, and he had been rescued, by me. As far as Nathaniel was concerned, I was the prince in shining armor, I just needed to come across, and then we could all live happily ever after.

Trouble was, I was no one’s prince, and no one’s princess. I was just me, and I was all out of armor, shiny or otherwise. I just wasn’t the fairy-tale type. And I didn’t believe in happily ever after. The question was, did I believe in happily for now? If I could have answered that question, then all the worry would have been ended, but I couldn’t answer it. So as Micah drove us toward home in the October dark, I still didn’t know what I’d do when theardeur finally rose for the night. I didn’t even know what the right thing to do was anymore.

Wasn’t right supposed to help people and wrong supposed to hurt people? Didn’t you make the right choice because it was the right thing to do? I always felt squeamish about praying to God about sex, in any context, but I prayed as we drove, because I was out of options. I asked for guidance. I asked for a clue as to what was the best for everyone. I didn’t get an answer, and I hadn’t expected one.

I have a lot psychic gifts, but talking directly to God is not one of them, thank goodness. Read the Old Testament if you don’t think it’s a scary idea. But worse than no answer, I didn’t feel that peace that I usually get when I pray.