Bring Me the Head of Prince Charming

"Ah, lad, it's thy head I've come for."

"My head?" cried Prince Charming. "But why should Uncle Azzie want that of me?"

"He's angry at you, boy, because Princess Scarlet didn't kill you when she was supposed to. Thus he lost the contest between Darkness and Light which is played out on the eve of each Mille

"But it was not my fault, Frike! And even if it had been, why should Azzie hold a grudge against me merely for trying to preserve my life?"

"It's illogical, I'll grant that," Frike said. "But what can you do? He's a demon, and he's bad, very bad. He wants your head and I'm here to take it to him. I hate to tell you this, for it is your wedding day. But I have no choice over timing. Say good-bye to your Princess. It is to be hoped you have enjoyed her favors betides, because there'll be no aftertides when I've taken your head ensor."

"You're really serious about this, aren't you?" Charming said.

"Better believe it. I'm sorry, kid, but that's how it goes in fairyland. Ready?"

"Wait!"

"Nay, I wait for nothing!"

"But I have no sword!"

"No sword?" Frike said, lowering his blade. "But you must have a sword! Where is your sword?"

"I need to get it."

"You're supposed to have a sword on your person at all times."

"Give me a break, it's my wedding day."

"Well, go get your sword, but be quick about it."

"Frike, you were practically a father to me. How can you do this?"

"Well, I'm playing a pretty traditional role," Frike said. "The crippled servant who is slightly sympathetic but still has a fatal bias toward evil. Nothing personal, but we must fight it out with swords."

"Well, rats," Charming said. "Wait right here. I'll be back with my sword."

"I'll be waiting," Frike said, and went over to sample the buffet.

When Prince Charming had been gone almost half an hour, Scarlet went to look for him. She found him in what remained of the stables. He had just finished saddling up the swiftest goat he could find.

Scarlet said, "What do you think you're doing?"

"I don't know how to tell you this," Charming said, "but I think I've got to get out of here."

"Coward!" Scarlet said.

"Bitch," Charming said.

"But our new life together has hardly begun!"

"What matter a new life if I'm too dead to enjoy it?"

"Maybe you could defeat him!"

"I don't think so," Charming said. "Frankly, though, I'm not happy about ru

There was a flash of light. A voice said, "I thought you'd never ask." It was Hermes Trismegistus.

Chapter 3

Never had the demigod looked handsomer. His dark cloak, draped artfully over his massive white marble body, looked miraculously beautiful. Every strand of his hyacinthine hair was in place. A faint Oriental tilt to his eyes gave him a look of unutterable beauty and wisdom. The blankness of his eyes, which, in the classic statuary mode, were without pupils, made him seem preternaturally wise. Even his sandals gave off an air of sapience.

"O Hermes," Charming said, "what Azzie is doing isn't fair, sending out Frike to take my head, and all because I haven't fallen in with his scheme of having Princess Scarlet murder me."

"It does seem unfair," Hermes said. "But who ever said demons were otherwise?"

"Has he even the right by divine law to send his servant to take my head?"

"Let me see," Hermes said. He removed from a fold of his cloak a thick scroll. He threw it into the air and it unwound, soaring upward with paper spilling down.

Hermes snapped his fingers and a small spotted owl ap­peared.

"Find me the relevant passage for laws regulating the ac­tions of demons' assistants," Hermes said.

"You got it," said the owl, and fluttered up into the air, darting close to the endlessly long page of the scroll. Finally it darted in on a section, pinched the parchment in its beak, and brought it back to Hermes.

Hermes read the entry and shook his head sorrowfully. "As I feared. He can do anything he wants with you via a servant, since he created you. Assembled, actually, but it comes to much the same thing."

"But why should that give him power of life and death over me?"

"That's how it goes in the creation game. But you are not without recourse."

"What can I do?"

"Kill Frike."

"You think I might be able to? He looks awfully strong to me."

"Yes, but you're a hero. Maybe if you had a good sword ..."

"I had Excalibur but we parted ways. It was trying to kill me."

"You must get it back. It will take a magic sword to kill a supernaturally augmented demon's assistant."

"I think I ought to mention, I'm very scared," Charming said.

"That's because you were given a coward's heart. Don't worry about it, though. Everyone's scared."

"Everyone?"

"Those who are too courageous perish too quickly to leave a record. Cowardice is nothing to be ashamed of, Prince Charm­ing. It is like measles - most people get it at least once in their lives. Just ignore it and it'll go away. Carry on without it. The metaphor is unclear, but your path of duty is not. Get out of here, Charming, and find the sword. Tell your coward's heart to stop fluttering and get on with destroying this knave of a Frike and claiming your Princess for forever after. She's very pretty, by the way."

"Yes," Charming said, "isn't she? But I'm afraid she's sulky."

"The good ones always are," Hermes said. "Come on, let's go get that sword!"

Chapter 4

There wasn't much time for Charming and Hermes to find Excalibur. Hermes took them first to the Bureau of Lost Swords. They had the sympathetic vibration print of every sword ever forged, all kept in a central registration point on the planet Oaqsis IV. Hermes found a trace of Ex­calibur and followed it back to Earth, carrying Prince Charming along with him.

On Earth again, Prince Charming soon found himself in a tavern. Guided by Hermes, he went to the kitchen. There he beheld a sword, all nicked and dented, but unmistakably of fine temper, being used by a scullion to decapitate radishes and turnips, eviscerate cabbages, decorify carrots, and all the rest of the homely life of domestic steel. Yet despite this, the sword recognized Charming as soon as he came in.

"Master, here I am!" it said in a breaking voice. "Your own forsaken sword!"

"What has happened to you?" Charming said. "Did you really have to cut vegetables?"

"It's not my fault," the sword said. "How can I help the base purposes men put me to? Take me back into your employ, master, and I'll show thee good service."

"Come on then," Charming said.

The sword leaped to his hand. One of the tavern drudges looked ready to put up a quarrel, but a single glance, nay, a bare glancelet at the yard of steel gleaming in Prince Charming's hands put a stop to that. And so it was that Charming turned, sword in hand, and through the magical attentions of Hermes was able to return to the Enchanted Castle with Excalibur.

Seeing him, Frike put down the cracker spread with chopped chicken liver at which he had been nibbling whilst awaiting Prince Charming's return, wiped his mouth on his sleeve, and said, "Are you ready?"

"Aye, ready!"

"Then here we go!"

The swords clashed. The fight was on.