Bring Me the Head of Prince Charming

"Praise Her!" said the clerk.

"What?" Azzie said. "I had always been led to believe - "

"We use 'He' and 'She' interchangeably when speaking of the Supreme Principle of Good."

"Sometimes we even call her 'It,' " the clerk said. "Not that we believe that She is an It, but we try to show no prej­udice."

"Can't you make up your minds?" Azzie asked.

"It makes no difference," she told him. "Supreme Good is beyond sexuality."

"That's not what we're taught," Azzie said. "According to our experts, sexuality is the highest expression of evil, especially when it's good.

"As it could be between you and me, babe," Azzie ended, his voice going husky and a disturbing odor of musk emanating from him.

The clerk frowned and patted her hair and turned to Ba­briel. "Canst thou not restrain this ill-visaged specter of evil who leers at me with unveiled meaning?"

"Oh, hey," Babriel said, "that's just Azzie. He's a demon, you know. They're supposed to act that way-irreverent and sexual. Poor soul, he knows no better. But not even demons are utterly beyond redemption."

"Praise the Lord!" the clerk said.

"Aye, praise Him," Babriel said.

Azzie said, "Hey, look, can we dispense with the hosa

"What a hateful thing to say!" the clerk said, blushing and looking away. "I'll check on the gutsia. Wait right here."

She vanished in a beguiling ma

"You've got cuter supply clerks than we have," Azzie said.

"That's because under the rule of the Good all creatures are equal. Perhaps, since we have to wait, I could explain to you some of the more basic points of our doctrine."

"Don't bother," Azzie said. "I'm going to take a nap."

"Is it so easy for you to do that?"

"Evil is known for its eternal vigilance," Azzie said. "Ex­cept when it gets fed up."

He closed his eyes. Soon the even rhythm of his breathing gave evidence that he was either sleeping or doing a good job of faking it.

Left to his own devices, Babriel said a longish prayer for the salvation and regeneration of all beings, even demons. By the time he had finished, the clerk was back.

"I have the extract of gutsia," she said, handing Babriel a small flask in which colors of red, violet, yellow, and blue could be seen coruscating softly.

"Great," said Babriel. "We thank you. You have been most unfailingly courteous, helpful, kind-"

"Let's get on with it," Azzie said. "Thanks a lot, babe. If you ever want to change your luck - "

The supply clerk vanished in a cloud of indignation.

Azzie went to the kitchen to give Frike instructions in how to mix the gutsia with Charming's cream of leek soup. Grateful as he was to Babriel for procuring it for him, he was deeply suspicious. Why had the angel been so helpful? Pure generosity didn't seem a sufficient motive. Were angels capable of double-dealing? What was Babriel up to?

Chapter 2

Azzie administered the gutsia that evening, and Charm­ing showed a remarkable improvement. Over the next few days, his fencing skill and aggressiveness picked up. He was no longer interested in his dolls.

All in all, it seemed a good time to Azzie to bring up the subject of his quest.

"I've been meaning to speak to you again about your fu­ture," Azzie said one quiet afternoon when he and Prince Charming were together in the big common room of the castle.

"Yes, Uncle?"

"You remember the things I told you about the Napping Princess?" he asked. "It's about time to head off in her direc­tion."

"I wouldn't mind hanging around court," Charming said.

"Forget it. It's a great adventure that's in store for you."

"That's nice, Uncle. But, you know, I've been wonder­ing why I'm supposed to find her and kiss her and all, anyway."

Azzie took on a tone of deepest portent. "My boy, it was written long ago that only a kiss on the lips from her true love would awaken the Princess from the sleep."

"Hope that works out for her," Charming said.

"Of course it will! You, Prince Charming, are the destined lover and husband of this fair maid."

"Are you sure it's supposed to be me, Uncle? I mean, how do you know it's not some other fellow's quest?"

"Because it is so written."

"Written where?"

"Never mind where," Azzie said. "Just take my word for it, if I tell you it's written, it's written. My boy, you are a very lucky youth. Princess Scarlet is the most beautiful of maidens, and she comes with a rich dowry. It will be difficult and dan­gerous getting to her, but I know you will do fine."

"How difficult? How dangerous?"

"There is an enchanted wood to pass through," Azzie ex­plained. "You must fight the various denizens of the wood. Then there is the glass mountain which you must somehow climb."

"This sounds extremely difficult," Charming said. "Glass mountain, eh? Perhaps I could manage it. I don't know, though."

"I'll see that you come to no harm," Azzie told him. "Trust your old uncle Azzie. Never set you wrong, did I?"

"You won't get a chance this time either," Charming said. "I'm not going."

"At least look at her picture. What do you think?" Azzie asked, showing Prince Charming the miniature.

"She looks all right," Charming said, in tones of profound disinterest.

"Pretty, huh?" Azzie said.

"In a common sort of way."

"Fine bright eyes, eh?"

"Astigmatic, no doubt."

"And the mouth!"

"A regular sort of mouth," Charming said.

"Tiny! Dainty!"

"Smallish," Charming conceded.

"She's lovely, is she not?"

"She's okay, I suppose," Charming said. "But I'm too young to have a princess of my own forever and forever. I haven't even dated yet."

Charming's lack of interest was dismaying. Azzie had not expected this. As a fairly typical demon, he was usually in a state of concupiscence. The very idea that this Prince could be so blase about the beautiful Princess astounded him. It irritated him also, and when he thought about it further, it worried him.

If Prince Charming evinced no more than a polite interest in Scarlet, how could he be expected to go through hell and high water to reach her bedside and awaken her with a kiss? With his attitude, he'd be more likely to send her a letter saying, "Time to wake up now, miss."

In vain Azzie pointed out the Princess' charms. Charming met them with a devastating indifference which hurt Azzie's feelings, since the Princess was his creation. But he couldn't be too angry since he had created the Prince as well, and thus was more or less responsible for his attitude.

This was a turn of events Azzie had not expected. It had never occurred to him that his Prince would not fall instantly in love with Scarlet. Now that his cowardice seemed somewhat under control it seemed he was romantically sluggish.

"Damn!" Azzie observed, gnashing his teeth. "Oh, damn! Another design flaw!"

It was a hellish situation.