Bring Me the Head of Prince Charming

"Prince Charming," the youth mused. He sat up. "I sup­pose that means I'm of noble blood, doesn't it?"

"Yes, I suppose so," Azzie said. "You are Prince Charming, and I am your uncle Azzie."

Prince Charming accepted that readily enough. "Hello, Uncle Azzie. I don't remember you, but if you say you're my uncle, that's fine with me. Now that I know that, can I ask where we are?"

"Certainly," Azzie said. "Augsburg."

"That's nice," Charming said, a little vaguely. "I've got a feeling I've always wanted to see Augsburg."

"And so you shall," Azzie said, smiling to himself to think what a docile creature he'd created. "You'll get a good look at it during training, and again when you ride out of town on your quest."

"My quest, Uncle?"

"Yes, lad. You were a famous warrior before the accident that took away your memory."

"How did I come by this accident, Uncle?"

"Fighting bravely against many foes. You slew numbers of them-you're very good with a sword, you know-but one of the caitiffs sneaked up behind you and hit you over the head with a broadsword when you weren't expecting it."

"That hardly seems fair!"

"People are often unfair," Azzie said. "Though you're too i

"That's nice," Charming said. "I want for people to think highly of me."

"And so they shall, my boy, when you have performed the great deed for which you are destined to be renowned."

"What deed is that, Uncle?"

"Wi

"Princess who? What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the great deed that will make you world-famous, and give you happiness beyond human measure."

"Oh. That sounds good. Go on, Uncle. You mentioned a sleeping princess?"

"Napping, not sleeping. But it is a severe disability all the same. My boy, it is written that only a kiss from your lips can awaken her from this spell. When she awakens and beholds you, she will fall madly in love with you. You will also fall in love with her, and everybody will be very happy."

"She's good-looking, this princess?" asked Charming.

"You better believe it," Azzie said. "You will awaken her with a kiss. She will open her eyes and look at you. Her arms will close softly around your neck, she will lift her face to yours, and you will know bliss of an order seldom experienced by mortal man."

"It'll be fun, huh?" said the Prince. "Is that what you mean, Uncle?"

"Fun is too mild a word for the pleasure you will feel."

"Sounds great," Charming said. He got up and tried a few steps around the room. "Let's go do it now, okay? I'll kiss her and then she and I can start having fun."

"It can't be quite as fast as that," Azzie said.

"Why not?"

"It is not easy to reach the Princess. You must fight your way through many perils."

"What sort of perils? Dangerous ones?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," Azzie said. "But don't worry, you'll win through after Frike and I have supervised your training in arms."

"I thought you said I was already trained."

"Well," said Azzie, "a brushup will do no harm."

"Frankly," Charming said, "this whole thing sounds dan­gerous.'

"Of course it is," Azzie said. "That's how it is with perils. But that doesn't matter, you'll be fine. Frike and I will give you instruction in weapons, and then you will set forth."

"Weapons are dangerous. Other people can kill you with them. I remember that much."

You would, with your coward's heart, Azzie thought. Aloud he said, "You'll have superior weapons which none can oppose. And magical spells. And, most important of all, a magic sword."

"Swords!" Charming said, with a disgusted expression. "Now I remember swords! Horrible pointed things people use to open up great cuts in each other."

"But think of the cause," Azzie said. "Think of the Prin­cess! You will fight, of course, but I assure you, you will prevail."

"I couldn't do it," Charming said. "No, I'm sorry, but I just couldn't."

"Why not?" Azzie demanded.

"Because I remember now, I'm a conscientious objector," Charming said.

"The hell you say! You've just been reborn! That is, brought out of the deep sleep caused by your wounds. How can you suddenly be a conscientious objector?"

"Because I know very well," Charming said, "that if I were in a situation where violence was imminent, I would simply faint dead away."

Azzie looked at Frike, who looked vacantly at a spot on the wall. Even this i

"Now, get this straight," Azzie said to Charming. "You are going to get some training. Then I'm going to get you an enchanted sword that will do away with everything it encoun­ters. And then you are going forth on this quest."

"What if I get hurt?"

"Prince Charming," Azzie said sternly, "you had better master this fear of yours. I assure you, you are going to go out of here with a magic sword and see what you can do with it; or you are going to get it from me. And since I have demonic friends, getting it from me is apt to be more painful than any­thing you can imagine. Now go to your room and wash up. It is almost time for di

"What are we having?" Charming asked. "Something French with plenty of sauce, I hope."

"Beef and potatoes," Azzie said. "We're building fighting men here, not dancing masters."

"Yes, Uncle," Charming said, and walked away. There was a pronounced slink to his walk. Azzie glared at Frike, daring him to comment. The servant lurched awry. Azzie found a chair in front of the fire and sat. He stared thoughtfully into the fire. He was going to have to come up with something extra. Prince Charming was sure to cut and run the first time he was in peril. And that would make Azzie a laughingstock every­where in the three worlds. And that Azzie was not going to take.

Chapter 4

The next morning, Azzie began Prince Charming's train­ing. First, there were exercises in swordplay. For a young man about to face dangerous enchantments, the sword was the great all-purpose weapon. Properly used, a sword can kill just about anything. Prince Charming showed considerable natural talent with the blade. His trunk and right arm had been the property of a swordsman who had been highly skilled. This skill showed when Charming lunged and parried, advanced with stamping right foot, retreated with his sword swinging a windmill of flashing steel. Even Azzie, no mean swordsman himself, was hard-pressed by Charming's impetu­ous advances and cu

But the Prince seemed constitutionally unable to press his advantage once he had won one. Azzie, clad in an old exercise tunic and wearing only a mild sword-turning spell on his upper body, worked with him over and over on the basic maneuvers.

"Come on!" Azzie said, panting as the two went at it in the shadowed exercise yard behind the mansion. "Get your back into it! Attack me!"

"I would not want to hurt you, Uncle," Charming said.

"Believe me, you won't touch me. Come on now, go for me!"

Charming tried, but his native cowardice prevented him.

Whenever he got close enough to Azzie to perform a killing stroke, he faltered, and the lithe demon was able to batter aside his guard and touch him.

Worse than that, when Azzie attacked, shouting fierce words and stamping his foot, Prince Charming's skill fell apart and he had to turn and run.