Impuls

Clark is an ever-changing shell with an unbending i

And fire.

She just has to say something, so Emily does the unauthorized, the wrong thing – she touches the neurosurgeon's shoulder with her fingertips and says nothing:

– I'm not worth it.

Clark smiles:

– I didn't say that.

* * *

She shouldn't.

She can't.

She doesn't know how.

But she stands in the locker room, inhaling the smell, burying her nose in the white medical gown Clark so kindly lent her for the rest of the day.

So Moss doesn't kill you.

The hirsute suit, unpacked, already on, smells wrong. The chemical, sterilized smell hits her nose, interrupts the lemon and lavender, and makes Emily want to strip naked and wrap herself up, wrap herself in the snow-white fabric.

She is flattering herself: just because it is power, it is fashionable, prestigious, rich; but inside, the first sparks of a fire have already been kindled.

That's just the affection she lacked; that damn admiration for someone, the idolatry, the awe. Clark is just a doctor.

She's just a nurse.

Her nurse.

The surgery is minutes away-the third operating room has been cleaned to a shine, and the instruments spread out on the tables have left a pleasant heaviness in her palms.

And now she's afraid. Scared. Ashamed.

And so she clings to her white coat, unable to control her emotions.

In a straight line.

Not to the bottom.

She locks the robe in her locker and walks out into the pre-op space, where Sarah helps her with her clothes and gloves.

Clark is already here, behind the glass – washing her hands, chatting intermittently with Gilmore standing next to her.

Emily knows the sequence by heart: rubbing her palms together, rubbing the back of her left hand with her right, then the interdigital spaces and i

Gilmore finishes early, wiping his hands, working his nails, applying antiseptic to his hands and forearms, rubbing, telling jokes.

Clark doesn't even smile, just nods, thinking to himself: frowning eyebrows, confident movements.

The whole procedure of putting on a sterile gown, tying it, and pulling on gloves takes no more than thirty seconds. Emily and Sara are in sync: pull it up there, tie it there. Johnson smiles inwardly: She remembers that Clark likes to tie the sash on the side, so she very quickly slips one piece of fabric into the other. All she gets in response is a snort.

Sarah clips on the optics: binocular magnifying glasses with flashlights; Emily adjusts-checks the masks and hats; Kemp fidgets nonchalantly in her chair, whistling a tune. Harmon bustles about – urgently pulled from his department, delighted by the news of his promotion, he runs around with a huge spread-out form, recording the data.

There's a woman on the operating table; the shaved area of her head is marked with lines – a perpendicular line from the bridge of her nose to the base of her skull and a line co

– I forgot," said Dylan. – Are we going to wake her up?

– You're out of your mind," he replies.

– I was joking.

Emily takes one last look at Mayo's table – the sterile surface is lined with instruments; this time there's nothing superfluous, everything's in strict order. Gilmore has one just like it, only with recesses for electrical instruments. Dylan pushes the buttons; the screens flash, showing an image; Clark finishes calibrating.

– Tumor in quadrant six, fits like a fuse, preparing for additional bone resection.

The Leica buzzes, Sarah takes her place at Gilmore's, Emily becomes a few centimeters away from Clark.

Harmon looms behind them, muttering to himself about some fascias and squares.

Slowly, slowly, the screen renders a grid; Clark tilts her head sideways and – Emily is sure – with her lips slightly open, lets out a short exhale.

– Here we go.

Chapter 12

I'm tired of being afraid of you.

it's the finish line.

Let's call it a draw.

If I fall in love again

shoot me,

– You know, when I first finished my internship, I was assigned to assist some surgeon. So there was a team of ten, and when he said "scalpel," all ten of them repeated like idiots: "Scalpel. Then the surgeon was like, "Clamp!" and then they were like, "Clamp, clamp, clamp…"

– That's so you don't forget what you need, genius.

– Genius, genius, genius…

– Can you saw in silence?

– Tell my ex-wife that," Riley mutters. – Dissecting tissue.

The surgeon's entire craniotomy operation takes no more than thirty minutes: Sara silently, without comment, hands him the instruments; now the tissue is removed, a dilator is placed, auxiliary openings are made. The sharp sound of a saw, and the smell of sawed bone hits my nose.

Emily forceps pick up a fragment of skull, dips it into a bath of special solution, returns it to its place – in perfect synchrony Clark and Gilmore seal the bleeding vessels. The smell of burned flesh and heated metal.

– Current.

More than anything, Emily fears her hands will start to shake; but, contrary to her fears, she holds on even more than firmly: handing over the device, casting a glance at the socket, another at the screen. She can't catch Clark's attention: the neurosurgeon is fully immersed in the Leica while Gilmore talks to Harmon.

– Clamping and taking off at once with a hat.

Emily prepares for coagulation: she serves a small, film-wrapped laser; Sarah puts a gauze drain, blotting it out, Gilmore laments that we can't use a dilator – that would make the access area even larger.

The gauze is barely changed in time: the amount of blood in the area decreases too slowly; some of the many vessels are too thin for the laser and bleed desperately.

– It sucks," Gilmore concludes.