Phules Paradise

"What's going on here?"

Colonel Battleax was standing in the doorway. Still dressed in her bat-wing black dress and towering in her anger despite her diminutive size, she might have been a demon from an opera production as she dominated the room with her voice and presence.

The Legio

"My God! This looks like an armament trade show! I don't even recognize half these weapons!"

While it was well known that Willard Phule was supplementing the company's equipment from his personal fortune, what was not as widely known was that he was also using his co

"Do I need to remind you all that you're Space Legio

The company exchanged nervous glances, but still no one moved.

"Well, this Wild West show is going to stop RIGHT NOW! I'm ordering you to turn in all arms other than sidearms, and-"

"Just a minute, Colonel!"

Lieutenant Rembrandt, her face flushed and her limbs rigid, broke the tableau. Like the Red Sea, the crowd parted to open a corridor with the two women at either end.

Standing against the back wall with Trooper, Lex watched the confrontation with professional curiosity and interest. Though neither Battleax nor Rembrandt was shouting, both were using what could only be called a "command voice," which involved a controlled projection from the diaphragm that any stage actor would envy.

"In Captain Jester's absence," Rembrandt declaimed, "I'm the acting company commander of this outfit. What gives you the right to try to give orders to my troops?"

"Are you mad?" Battleax sputtered. "I'm a colonel and the ranking officer present-"

"-who is on vacation and not in the current chain of command!" Rembrandt snarled. "Our original orders came directly from General Blitzkrieg. You have no authority over us on this assignment! In fact, as far as I'm concerned, you're just another civilian."

"WHAT?"

"My general orders state that I am to hold my command until properly relieved, and I do not accept you as proper relief."

The colonel gaped at her for a moment, then shut her mouth with a snap.

"Interpreting the Legion's general orders is not within your authority, Lieutenant!"

"So court-martial me!" Rembrandt shot back. "But until I'm found guilty and formally removed, these troops are under my command, not yours!"

Battleax recoiled, then glanced around the room. The Legio

"I see," she said through gritted teeth. "Very well, if you want proper authority, I'll get it! A call to General Blitzkrieg should settle this. I'd advise you all not to do anything rash until I get back."

She started for the door, but was stopped short as Lieutenant Rembrandt's voice shattered the sudden silence.

"All right! I want you all to bear witness to this! As of now, I'm using my authority to declare martial law!"

"What?" Battleax shrieked, any trace of poise or dignity slipping away at the outrage. "You can't do that! No one in the Space Legion has ever-"

"I've done it," Rembrandt returned grimly, "and it stands until someone overrules it. Someone with more available firepower than I have!"

"But ..."

"Lieutenant Armstrong!" Rembrandt barked suddenly, turning her back on the colonel.

"Sir!"

"There is an unauthorized civilian interfering with our operation. Have her removed and held under guard until further notice."

"Yes, sir!"

"Have you all gone-"

"Sergeant Brandy!"

"Got it, sir. Harry?"

"I'm on it, Top."

The supply sergeant clicked his fingers and pointed. In response, one of the supply clerks tossed him a pump shotgun, which Harry plucked from the air. Against his bulk, the weapon looked almost like a toy.

Battleax, stood stu

"You're all really quite serious about this, aren't you?" she said.

In answer, Chocolate Harry worked the slide of the shotgun he was holding, racking a live shell into the weapon's chamber with a harsh sound that echoed in the room, and the weapon no longer looked like a toy.

"Easy, Harry," Rembrandt ordered, her voice still tight with tension. "Look, Colonel. We're going after the captain, no matter who gets in our way. Now stand back or fall back. It's your choice."

"You know, don't you, that they're likely to kill him if you try to take him by force?" Battleax's voice was suddenly soft.

"There's that possibility," the lieutenant acknowledged. '"But there's as much a chance that they'll kill him if we don't. You see, his father won't pay the ransom."

"It don't make no difference," Chocolate Harry put in.

"What was that, Sergeant?"

"You folks may know more about the military than me," C.H. said, "but let me tell you somethin' about criminals. They're lookin' at some serious charges now that they've moved up to kidnappin'. They're not go

"We're the only chance Captain Jester has of coming out of this alive," Rembrandt continued quietly. "We've got to at least try. If we just sit around ..." She shook her head, letting her voice trail off.

"I see," Battleax said thoughtfully. "Tell me, Lieutenant, since you won't let me relieve you of command, would you be willing to accept me as a civilian advisor?"

Lieutenant Rembrandt's face split in a sudden smile.

"I'm always ready to listen to advice, Colonel," she said. "I'm still fairly new at this."

"You'll do," Battleax said. "However, there's one thing I think you should consider in your plans-something I get the feeling you've overlooked in your enthusiasm. There are large numbers of civilians in the complex who are legitimate i

The two lieutenants exchanged glances.

"She's got a point there, Remmie," Armstrong acknowledged reluctantly.

"What I would suggest is some sort of diversion," the colonel continued. "Something to give you am excuse to evacuate people from the complex, or at least from the vicinity of your action."

"I suppose," Rembrandt said, chewing her lower lip subconsciously. "Maybe we could arrange a bomb threat or a fire alarm ..."

"Why not a movie?"

The officers looked in the direction of this new voice.

"What was that, Lex?"

"I said, `Why not a movie?'" Lex gri

"That has possibilities," Rembrandt said, looking at Armstrong.

"I know I'd go along with a holo crew if they asked me to get out of their way," her partner admitted.

"It's better than a bomb scare or a fire alarm," the actor urged. "No panic, no bad publicity for the complex. What's more, we have everything we need to pull it off."

"How so?"

"That cameraman you were holding has a holo-camera rig in his room. It's not the same as they use for the big productions, but we can say it's a low-budget operation or that we're just shooting test footage. We've even got a recognizable holo star we can parade in front of everyone to be sure it all looks legit."