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"What is Barefoot going to do with this news?"
"Nothing."
"'Nothing,'" I echoed, nodding.
"There's no way I can prove it," Bill said. "To skeptical minds. Edgar pointed that out."
"Why can't you prove it? It should be easy to prove it. You have access to everything Tim knew; like you said-all the theology, details of his personal life. Facts. It should be the most simple matter on Earth to prove."
"Can I prove it to you?" Bill said. "I can't even prove it to you. It's like belief in God; you can know God, know he exists; you can experience him, and yet you can never prove to anyone else that you've experienced him."
"Do you believe in God now?" I said.
"Sure." He nodded.
"I guess you believe in a lot of things now," I said.
"Because of Tim in me, I know a lot of things; it isn't just belief. It's like-" He gestured earnestly. "Having swallowed a computer or the whole Brita
Have fun with your thoughts, I said to myself. That is what Harry Stack Sullivan said schizophrenics do: they have endless fun with their thoughts, and forget the world.
There is not much you can say when someone unveils an account such as Bill Lundborg's- assuming that anyone ever unveiled such a narration before. It did, of course, resemble what Tim and Kirsten had revealed to me (that is the wrong word) when they returned from England, after Jeff's death.
But that had been minor compared with this. This, I thought, consists of the ultimate escalation, the monument itself. The other narration was only the marker pointing to the monument.
Madness, like small fish, runs in hosts, in vast numbers of instances. It is not solitary. Madness does not remain content; it fans out across the landscape, or seascape, whichever.
Yes, I thought; it is like we are under water: not in a dream-as Barefoot says-but in a tank, and being observed, for our bizarre behavior and our more bizarre beliefs. I am a metaphor junkie; Bill Lundborg is a madness junkie, unable to get enough of it: he possesses a boundless appetite for it and will obtain it by whatever means possible. Just when it seemed, too, as if madness had passed out of the world. First John Le
I could not say, and yet he is so plausible. Because Bill was not plausible; it is not a plausible matter. Probably, even Edgar Barefoot recognized that-well, however a Sufi phrases such moksa to himself, that someone is sick and needs help, but is touchingly appealing, is guileless and not going to do any harm. This madness arose from pain, from the loss of a mother and what almost certainly amounted to a father in the true sense of the word. I felt it; I feel it; I always will feel it, as long as I live. But Bill's solution could not be mine.
Any more than mine-managing the record store-could be his. We each must find our own solution, and, in particular, we each must solve the sort of problem that death creates-creates for others; but not death only: madness also, madness leading to final death as its end-state, its logical goal.
When my original anger at Bill Lundborg's psychosis had subsided-it did subside-I began to view it as fu
Except, of course, Bill could now emotionally deal with the assortment of deaths that had plagued us. Was my solution any better? I worked; I read; I listened to music-I bought music in the form of records; I lived a professional life and yearned to move into the A & R Division of Capitol Records down in Southern California. There my future lay, there were the tangible things that records had become for me, not something to enjoy but something to first buy and then sell.
That the bishop had returned from the next world and now inhabited Bill Lundborg's mind or brain-that couldn't be, for obvious reasons. One knows this instinctively; one does not debate this; one perceives this as absolute fact: it ca
Still, upon the lessening of my original anger, I felt sympathy toward Bill because I understood why he had gone this route; he had not willed it out of perversity: it did not consist of, so to speak, optional madness but, rather, madness compelled on him, thrust onto him forcibly, whether he liked it or not. It had simply happened.
Bill Lundborg, the first of us to be crazy, had become now the last of us to be crazy; the only genuine issue could best be phrased this way: could anything be done about it? Which raises a deeper question: should anything be done about it?
I pondered that during the next couple of weeks. Bill (he told me) had no major friends; he lived alone in a rented room in East Oakland, eating his meals at a Mexican cafe. Perhaps, I said to myself, I owe it to Jeff and Kirsten and Tim-to Tim, especially-to straighten Bill out. That way, there would be a survivor. That is, of course, in addition to myself.
Indubitably, I had survived. But survived, as I had for some time realized, as a machine; still, this is survival. At least my mind had not been invaded by alien intelligences who thought in Greek, Latin and Hebrew and used terms I could not comprehend. Anyhow, I liked Bill; it would not be a burden on me to see him again, to spend time with him. Together, Bill and I could summon back the people we had loved; these were the same people we had known, and our pooled memories would yield up a great crop of circumstantial details, the little bits that made of memory the semblance of the veridical ... which is an ornate way of saying that my seeing Bill Lundborg would make it possible for me to experience Tim and Kirsten and Jeff again because Bill, like me, had once experienced them and would understand who I was talking about.