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"Did you have much trouble getting out of your enlistment?" Tananda was sayin' after we finish explainin' why we are back.
"Not really," Nunzio sez, refillin' his goblet from a pitcher of Big Julie's wine. "Oh, eventually we had to call in General Badaxe to approve it, but after we told him we were on a special assignment for Skeeve, he signed the papers without asking any more questions. The only problem we had was that they really wanted us to stay ... right. Lieutenant?"
He starts to grin at me, then notices from the look on my face that I am not in a mood to be kidded.
"Fortunately," he continues hastily, "the bait they kept offering was to promote us even higher ... which, to say the least, was a temptation we had no difficulty resisting."
What my cousin is carefully omittin' from his report is that the real problem we had with leavin' wasn't with the army ... it was with our crew. Speakin' for myself, I hadn't realized how much they all meant to me until our discharges had been approved and we was ready to say goodbye. I guess it wasn't until then that it hit me that I'd probably never see any of them again.
"Goodbye, Guido," Spellin' Bee had said, shakin' my hand solemnly. "I really appreciate the help you've given me with my magik. I guess I've been so caught up learning the techniques that I've never stopped to think of all the ways it can actually be applied."
"That's nothin'," I sez, feelin' a little embarrassed. "When you get out, look us up and I'll introduce you to the Boss. He knows a lot more about that magik stuff than I do, and I don't think he'll mind givin' you a few pointers."
"Do you really think that would be all right?" Bee sez. "I haven't said anything before, but the Great Skeeve has always been sort of an idol to me. I ... I'm not sure I can learn enough about magik here in the army to where he'd want to bother with me."
"There's magik and there's magik," Nunzio sez, puttin' a hand on Bee's shoulder. "I think he'd like to meet you even if you don't get any more magik training than you've got right now. That was a pretty impressive system you came up with for organizing the warehouse, and our outfit is always on the lookout for ... ah, administrators."
I roll my eyes and he shrugs at me, apologetic like.
The commandin' officer had been impressed with Bee's system ... so much, in fact, that he was bein' promoted and transferred into the task force assigned to improvin' the army's efficiency. Consequently, there was some question in the minds of Nunzio and me if he would ever actually see any further magik trainin' ... which was, I guess, why Nunzio said what he did.
Personally, I wasn't sure we could use Bee if he did show up, as the M.Y.T.H. Inc. operation is service-oriented and therefore doesn't have any warehouses, but I kept this thought to myself.
"Gee, thanks guys," Bee sez, biinkin' a bit more than usual. "Well ... see you around, I guess."
"You guys take care of yourselves ... you hear?" Spyder sez, standin' on her tiptoes to give each of us a big hug.
"Sure, Spyder," I sez, biinkin' a little myself. "And listen ... when you get out ... if you're still interested in joinin' the Mob, you come see us first ... got that?"
"Got it," she sez, noddin' vigorous-like,
"... and stay away from Snake," Nunzio sez, "you want help ... you come to us!"
"Sure thing ... and you guys remember, if you need any help ... well, if there's anything you think I can help you with, you let me know and I'll be there. Okay?"
"That goes for the rest of us too, Swatter," Shu Flie sez, grabbin' my hand and pumpin' it once. "You give the word, and we'll come ru
"I'll remember," I sez. "Just let us know when you all get out. We wouldn't want to interfere with your army duties."
I meant this as a kind of a joke, but they all seemed to take it serious.
"Don't worry about that," Junebug sez, lookin' me in the eye hard-like. "We know where our first loyalties lie ... and you do, too."
Like I said, it wasn't an easy partin'. The hardest part, though, was knowin' that whatever we said about them lookin' us up, the odds were that if they did try, they probably wouldn't be able to find us. As soon as this assignment is over, we'll be headin' back to our headquarters at the Bazaar, and unless they learn how to dimension travel ...
"So what do we do now?" Tananda sez, pullin' my mind away from my memories and bringin' it back to the present. "Pack it up and head for home?"
"I believe there is one more option which I brought up at the begi
It takes me a second to remember, but finally it comes back to me.
"You mean, whackin' the queen?" I sez.
She nods. Then there is a long time when no one sez anything as each of us thinks it through.
"Well," Nunzio sez finally. "I suppose we should give it a shot ... at least then we can say we tried everything before we gave up."
I hesitate a second longer, then nod my agreement.
"All right, cuz," I sez, "you're on. Big Julie, if you can find that gear we stored here before we enlisted, Nunzio and me can ..."
"Whoa ... stop ... HOLD IT!!" Massha sez, holdin' up a hand. "Who said you two were going to be the ones to go after the queen?"
"Well ... it's oblivious, ain't it?" I sez, a little a
"... And from what you've said about your disagreements with your drill instructor, that training is geared more toward enforcing than killing."
"Don't you worry about that," Nunzio sez, givin' her a tight little smile. "We're just against u
"Well, when I suggested it, I figured that I was going to be the one to go after her," Massha sez, with no trace of her normal "happy-fat-lady-vamp" act.
"You?" I sez. "Excuse me for pointin' it out, Massha, but though you're more than a little intimidatin' physically, I don't think that physical acts are your forte."
"Who said anything about getting physical?" she sez, holdin' up her ring-laden hands. "You think I wear all this stuff for decoration ... or ballast? I've got a few toys here that should take care of things just fine."
Although she is still a begi
"Besides," she finishes, crossin' her arms decisively. "I'm Skeeve's apprentice ... so the job falls to me."
"... And we're his bodyguards who are specifically supposed to eliminate any threats to the Boss's well being," Nunzio snaps back. "While I don't doubt your sincerity or the reliability of your toys, Massha, whackin' somebody takes experience ... and Guido and I are the only ones on the team with experience in that area."
"Aren't you forgetting something, boys?" Tananda purrs, breakin' into the argument.
"What's that, Tananda?"
"While you two may be trained and experienced as generalists in controlled violence, part of my background is specifically as an assassin. By your own logic, then, it looks like the unpleasant task falls to me."
"Not to spoil your fun, little sister," Chumley sez, "but I was rather counting on giving it a go myself."
"You?" Tananda laughs. "Come on, big brother, you've still got your arm in a sling."
"What ... this?" the troll sez, glancin' down at his arm. "It's hardly worth mentioning, really."