The Golden Globe

But the one thing that did work, oddly enough, was a laugh.

SUE: The boy is so stupid! I can't believe he's your brother.

SPARKY: (laughs) You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your relatives off under the furniture.

Laughing on cue was something little Ken Valentine had learned early in his education, even before the memorization started. He learned it by being tickled until he thought he was going to be sick. ("It's one of the easiest lessons you'll learn, Dodger. Whenever you need to laugh, just think back to this.") It worked almost too well; when he needed to laugh, sometimes, he found himself feeling sick.

So he laughed, and produced a rather odd sound he'd been making since somewhere around his fifth birthday, a sound that caused his father's jaw to drop and led him to say, "Good God. I've raised Woody Woodpecker."

Later, when Dodger heard Woody's laugh, he compared it with his own and thought his father was wrong (though he didn't tell him that). The cartoon laugh was forced and artificial: Hah hah hah HAH hah. His own laugh sounded real enough... but not like anyone else's laugh, he had to admit that.

Out of the corner of his eye, Dodger saw Gideon Peppy look down. Was he smiling? He couldn't tell, and he thought it best not to look over there and find out.

"Okay," said Larry. "Second scene."

This one didn't go any better. Moe read the other part this time, and he was worse than Curly, if anything. The scene lumbered along until nearly the end, when Dodger hesitated.

"What'samatter, kid?" Larry rasped. "Forget your lines?"

"No, sir. It's just that..."

"Spit it out."

"Well, it's a bad line."

The stooges just stared at him. Dodger couldn't help it; he laughed again. This did not go over well with the trio, but what was he supposed to do? He imagined Larry with his hand over his eyes, Moe with his fingers in his ears, and Curly covering her mouth. He saw he had made no friends here.

"I guess this was a bad idea," he said, and started to get up.

"What's the matter with the line, Ke

Dodger turned toward the star.

"Sir, the boy is supposed to be eight years old."

"So?"

"So, an eight-year-old doesn't talk like that."

"So? I can't believe what I'm hearing come out of your mouth."

"I'm not a normal eight-year-old, sir."

"So it would seem."

"I've had theatrical training, Mr. Peppy. Plus, I am eight, and none of my friends would talk like that." He brushed the script on the table with the back of his hand, contemptuously. "Who wrote this crap, anyway?"

"I wrote it.

Instantly, a line from At the Office, a comedy he'd read almost a year ago, sprang into his mind, and he knew it was his only chance.

"Suddenly I like it a lot more," he said.

Peppy was silent for a full ten seconds, while the stooges gaped. Then he took the lollipop from his mouth and pointed it at Dodger.

"This kid I like," he said. "This kid has big brass ones. He reminds me of me when I was his age." He shrugged. "You're right, it's crap. I dashed it off this morning, what the heck, all we gotta do is see can you remember your lines. The rest is personality. Read him the next scene."

INT. - NIGHT - THE HOLD OF THE PIRATE SHIP

SPARKY and his friend ELWOOD and the rest of his gang, are manacled to a long chain bolted to the ship's hull. SPARKY has the padlock in his hand and is trying to pick it.

ELWOOD

Hurry, Sparky! I think I hear the pirates coming!

SPARKY

Don't make me nervous. I think I've... there! It's open! Come on, guys, pull the chain through the rings. Quietly, quietly! Now, Basil, Robin, Elwood, you go up through the rear hatch. Boots, me and you and the rest will go to the front, where the guns are. Elwood, find the powder magazine and try to light a fuse. We're outnumbered, but maybe we can send this old bucket to Davy Jones!

SPARKY and his friends creep through the darkness and hurry up the ladder to...

EXT. - NIGHT - THE DECK

SPARKY pops out of the hatch, surprising the sleeping guard, who starts to rise. SPARKY hits him and takes his gun, turns to blow the lock off the armory door. The gang swarms in.

BOOTS

Come on, guys, grab a weapon! Let's go!

SPARKY

Watch out for Elwood! He's up there somewhere!

The pirate crew starts to boil out of the fo'c'sle, waving cutlasses and firing pistols. The Gang fights them off as Sparky hurries forward. BLUEBEARD the pirate captain steps from his cabin.

BLUEBEARD

So, Sparky, you've escaped again! Well, you'll not get away this time. (Draws his sword)

SPARKY

It's you who'll be walking the plank tonight, Captain!

He grabs a sword and the two fight. ELWOOD comes ru

ELWOOD

The fuse is lit! Let's get out of here!

SPARKY runs the captain through, pulls out his sword.

SPARKY

There's an end to your career of looting and plundering, Captain! (Laughs) Get the point? Come on, guys! There's no time to waste! Over the side with you, and swim for your lives!

The gang leaps into the air as the ship explodes behind them.

" 'Hurry, Sparky. I think I hear the pirates coming.' "

Silence.

" 'Hurry, Sparky,' " Moe started again, but Larry, who didn't seem to like Dodger at all, interrupted.

" 'Samattah, kid? Forgot 'em again?"

"What's my motivation?" Dodger asked.

"Motivation?" Larry wanted to know. He looked baffled.

"Yes, my—"

"Motivation? Motivation?" Peppy asked, around his lollipop. "What's this motivation crap? Suddenly I don't like this kid so much. Your motivation is get loose and kill pirates. Capishe?"

"No, sir," Dodger said. "I mean, who is Sparky? I can't give a good reading unless I know a little about him." There was no response, so he hurried on. "Is he happy? I mean, does he enjoy his life? Or does he worry too much? Is he stupid? I mean, he got captured, didn't he? So... is he worried about the mistake he made? What is his attitude, is the main thing. Should I play him like Errol Fly

Peppy leaned forward and his lollipop stick rattled in his mouth as he talked.

"Sparky is a happy-go-lucky, smart little fuck, but not so smart he don't get outnumbered from time to time, you see what I mean? He is self-confident but not obnoxious about it. His troops like him, and so do the dames, people are alla time buying him drinks. He's a good boy to be with in a tough situation, 'cause nothing bad never happens to him for too damn long. He's the man with the charm but he don't have no big head about it. It ain't he's too stupid to know it, it's he's modest, see? Also trustworthy. Also helpful, brave, clean, and irrelevant. He don't kick his dog, he pulls down about forty-five gees a year, goes to the church of his choice, votes as many times as he can, always for the right people. He's a schlemiel, you hear what I'm saying? Errol Fly

Dodger was not acquainted with Daffy Duck, but stripped of the sarcasm, he thought he might be getting a picture of Sparky.

"There's a big pirate ship, just across the hall," he said.

"You want we should go read in there? Will that help you find your 'motivation'? That's where we'll be shooting this scene."