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The older fellow flared into anger, but he seemed afraid, too. "I wanted a deFocus, not a god-damned mindscrub!"
The little man, Trud...Trud Silipan,retreated. "Don't worry. I'm sure she'll come around. We didn't touch the memory structures, I swear." He shot another fearful glance her way. "Maybe...I don't know, maybe the deFocus worked fine and we're seeing some kind of autorepression." He came a little closer, still beyond her hands and teeth, and gave her a sickly smile. "Boss? You remember me, Trud Silipan? We've worked together for years of Watch time, and before that back on Balacrea, under Alan Nau. Don't you remember?"
A
Silipan's face had blurred, but his voice was suddenly cheerful. "See, Pham! She's crying. She does remember!"
Yes. Everything.
But now Pham Nuwen's voice sounded even angrier. "Get out, Trud. Just get out."
"It's easy to verify. We can—"
"Get out!"
She didn't hear Silipan after that. The world had collapsed into pain, sobbing grief that took away her breath and senses.
She felt an arm across her shoulders, and this time she knew it wasn't the touch of a torturer.Who am I? That had been the easy question. The real question,What am I?, had eluded her a few seconds more, but now the memories were flooding in, the monstrous evil she had been since that day in the mountains above Arnham.
She shuddered from Pham's arm, only to encounter the straps that held her down.
"Sorry," he muttered, and she heard the shackles fall away. And now it didn't matter. She curled up into a ball, barely aware of his comfort. He was talking to her, simple things, repeated over and over in different ways. "It's all right now, A
After a while, he was quiet, only the touch of his arm on her shoulders a
Time passed.
She felt her body slowly relax, unbend. She forced open her tight-shut eyes, forced herself to turn and face Pham. Her facehurt with the crying, and how she wished she could be hurt a million times more. "You...damn you for bringing me back. Let me die now."
Pham looked back at her quietly, his eyes wide and attentive. Gone was the bluster she had always guessed was a fake. In its place, intelligence...awe? No, that couldn't be. He reached down beside her and laid the white andelirs back in her lap. The damn things were warm, furry. Beautiful. He seemed to consider her demand, but then he shook his head. "You can't go yet, A
I can free them.The thought was the first lightness in all the years since that morning in the mountains. It must have leaked out into her expression, because a hopeful smile appeared on Pham's lips. A
The smile left his face. He nodded slowly. "I saw...I saw it could give me what I had spent a lifetime fighting for. And in the end, I saw the price was too high." He shrugged, and looked down, as if ashamed.
A
"He lied about many things."
"I can do better than Trud Silipan and Bil Phuong, but still there will be failures." The greatest horror of all: There would be some who would damn her for bringing them back.
Pham reached across the flowers and took her hand. "Okay. But you will do your best."
She looked down at his hand. Blood still oozed from the gash she had opened on the side of his palm. Somehow the man was lying, but if he let her deFocus the others...Play along."You're ru
Pham chuckled. "I have some say. Certain Spiders have a bigger say. It's complicated, and it's still in chaos. Four hundred Ksec ago, Tomas Nau was still ru
Just play along."And what do you want of me?"How long till I amreFocused as your tool?
"I—I just want you to be free, A
He was such a very good liar. Too bad for him that his lie was so bald-faced, so pandering. She felt an overwhelming urge to push it over the edge: "So in a few years we'll have functioning starships again?"
"Yes, and probably better-equipped than we came with. You know the physics we've discovered here. And it looks like there are other things—"
"And you will control those ships?"
"Several of them." He was still nodding, blundering his deception forward.
"And you just want to help. Me, the Frenkisch Orc. Well, sir, you are uniquely qualified. Lend me those ships. Come with me to Balacrea and Frenk and Gaspr. Help me freeall the Focused."
It was amusing to see Pham's smile freeze as he boggled on her words. "You want to take down a starfaring empire, an empire with Focus, with just a handful of ships? That's..." Words for such insanity failed to come, and he just stared at her for a moment. Then, amazingly, his smile was back. "That's marvelous! A
Whatever she asked he simply agreed to. It had to be a lie. Yet if true, it was the only promise that could make her want to live. She stared into Pham's eyes, trying to see behind the lie. Maybe the inevitable destruction of deFocus had taken her sharpness, for however deeply she looked, she only saw awed enthusiasm.He's a genius. And lie or truth, now he has mefor twelve years. For just a moment she relaxed into belief. For just a moment she fantasized that this man was not a liar.The Frenkisch Orc might yetfree them all. The strangest thrill flowed out from her heart, tingling through her body. It took her a moment to recognize something that had been lost to her for so very long: joy.
SIXTY-THREE
Pham sent Ezr Vinh groundside to negotiate.
"Why me, Pham?" This was the most extraordinary trade situation in the history of Humankind. It was also a war waiting to happen. "You should—"