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Mazer smiled ruefully. "But the enemy was not through, boy. The enemy would never be through.
They came again, with more numbers, and it was harder to beat them. And another generation of young men was spent. Only a few survived. So we came up with a plan—the big men came up with the plan. We knew that we had to destroy the enemy once and for all, totally, eliminate his ability to make war against us. To do that we had to go to his home worlds—his home world, really, since the enemy's empire is all tied to his capital world."
"And so?" Ender asked.
"And so we made a fleet. We made more ships than the enemy ever had. We made a hundred ships for every ship he had sent against us. And we launched them against his twenty-eight worlds. They started leaving a hundred years ago. And they carried on them the ansible, and only a few men. So that someday a commander could sit on a planet somewhere far from the battle and command the fleet. So that our best minds would not be destroyed by the enemy."
Ender's questions had still not been answered. "Why do they outnumber us?"
Mazer laughed. "Because it took a hundred years for our ships to get there. They've had a hundred years to prepare for us. They'd be fools, don't you think, boy, if they waited in old tugboats to defend their harbors. They have new ships, great ships, hundreds of ships. All we have is the ansible, that and the fact that they have to put a commander with every fleet, and when they lose—and they will lose—they lose one of their best minds every time."
Ender started to ask another question.
"No more, Ender Wiggin. I've told you more than you ought to know as it is."
Ender stood angrily and turned away. "I have a right to know. Do you think this can go on forever, pushing me through one school and another and never telling me what my life is for? You use me and the others as a tool, someday we'll command your ships, someday maybe we'll save your lives, but I'm not a computer, and I have to know!"
"Ask me a question, then, boy," Mazer said, "and if I can answer, I will."
"If you use your best minds to command the fleets, and you never lose any, then what do you need me for? Who am I replacing, if they're all still there?"
Mazer shook his head. "I can't tell you the answer to that, Ender. Be content that we will need you, soon. It's late. Go to bed. You have a battle in the morning."
Ender walked out of the simulator room. But when Mazer left by the same door a few moments later, the boy was waiting in the hall.
"All right, boy," Mazer said impatiently, "what is it? I don't have all night and you need to sleep."
Ender wasn't sure what his question was, but Mazer waited. Finally Ender asked softly, "Do they live?"
"Do who live?"
"The other commanders. The ones now. And before me."
Mazer snorted. "Live. Of course they live. He wonders if they live." Still chuckling, the old man walked off down the hall. Ender stood in the corridor for a while, but at last he was tired and he went off to bed. They live, he thought. They live, but he can't tell me what happens to them.
That night Ender didn't wake up crying. But he did wake up with blood on his hands.
Months wore on with battles every day, until at last Ender settled into the routine of the destruction of himself. He slept less every night, dreamed more, and he began to have terrible pains in his stomach. They put him on a very bland diet, but soon he didn't even have an appetite for that. "Eat,"
Mazer said, and Ender would mechanically put food in his mouth. But if nobody told him to eat he didn't eat.
One day as he was drilling his toon leaders the room went black and he woke up on the floor with his face bloody where he had hit the controls.
They put him to bed then, and for three days he was very ill. He remembered seeing faces in his dreams, but they weren't real faces, and he knew it even while he thought he saw them. He thought he saw Bean sometimes, and sometimes he thought he saw Lieutenant Anderson and Captain Graff.
And then he woke up and it was only his enemy, Mazer Rackham.
"I'm awake," he said to Mazer Rackham.
"So I see," Mazer answered. "Took you long enough. You have a battle today."
So Ender got up and fought the battle and he won it. But there was no second battle that day, and they let him go to bed earlier. His hands were shaking as he undressed.
During the night he thought he felt hands touching him gently, and he dreamed he heard voices saying, "How long can he go on?"
"Long enough."
"So soon?"
"In a few days, then he's through."
"How will he do?"
"Fine. Even today, he was better than ever."
Ender recognized the last voice as Mazer Rackham's. He resented Rackham's intruding even in his sleep.
He woke up and fought another battle and won.
Then he went to bed.
He woke up and won again.
And the next day was his last day in Command School, though he didn't know it. He got up and went to the simulator for the battle.
Mazer was waiting for him. Ender walked slowly into the simulator room. His step was slightly shuffling, and he seemed tired and dull. Mazer frowned.
"Are you awake, boy?" If Ender had been alert, he would have cared more about the concern in his teacher's voice. Instead, he simply went to the controls and sat down. Mazer spoke to him.
"Today's game needs a little explanation, Ender Wiggin. Please turn around and pay strict attention."
Ender turned around, and for the first time he noticed that there were people at the back of the room.
He recognized Graff and Anderson from Battle School, and vaguely remembered a few of the men from Command School—teachers for a few hours at some time or another. But most of the people he didn't know at all.
"Who are they?"
Mazer shook his head and answered, "Observers. Every now and then we let observers come in to watch the battle. If you don't want them, we'll send them out."
Ender shrugged. Mazer began his explanation. "Today's game, boy, has a new element. We're staging this battle around a planet. This will complicate things in two ways. The planet isn't large, on the scale we're using, but the ansible can't detect anything on the other side of it—so there's a blind spot. Also, it's against the rules to use weapons against the planet itself. All right?"
"Why, don't the weapons work against planets?"
Mazer answered coldly, "There are rules of war, Ender, that apply even in training games."
Ender shook his head slowly. "Can the planet attack?"
Mazer looked nonplussed for a moment, then smiled. "I guess you'll have to find that one out, boy.
And one more thing. Today, Ender, your opponent isn't the computer. I am your enemy today, and today I won't be letting you off so easily. Today is a battle to the end. And I'll use any means I can to defeat you."
Then Mazer was gone, and Ender expressionlessly led his toon leaders through maneuvers. Ender was doing well, of course, but several of the observers shook their heads, and Graff kept clasping and unclasping his hands, crossing and uncrossing his legs. Ender would be slow today, and today Ender couldn't afford to be slow.
A warning buzzer sounded, and Ender cleared the simulator board, waiting for todays game to appear. He felt muddled today, and wondered why people were there watching. Were they going to judge him today? Decide if he was good enough for something else? For another two years of grueling training, another two years of struggling to exceed his best? Ender was twelve. He felt very old. And as he waited for the game to appear, he wished he could simply lose it, lose the battle badly and completely so that they would remove him from the program, punish him however they wanted, he didn't care, just so he could sleep.