Страница 24 из 36
"Right," I nodded, wondering what he was leading up to.
"And I've been pretty good company, haven't I? I mean, I do tend to run off at the mouth a bit, but overall you haven't seemed to mind having me around."
"Right again."
"So why are you trying to get rid of me?"
Suddenly, the whole day caught up with me. The well meant advice from the Butterfly, the drinking, the fight, the head-butting with the police all swelled within me until my mind and temper burst from the pressure.
"I'M NOT TRYING TO GET RID OF YOU!!" I shrieked at the Djin, barely aware my voice had changed. "Don't you think I want to keep you around? Don't you think I know that my odds of finding Aahz on my own in this wacko dimension are next to zip? Damnit, Kalvin, I'M TRYING TO BE NICE TO YOU!!!"
"Um... maybe you could be a little less nice and quit shouting?"
I realized that I had backed him across the sidewalk and currently had him pi
"Look," I said carefully, "I didn't mean to yell at you. It's just..."
Something trickled down my face and it dawned on me that I was on the verge of tears. On the verge, heck! I was starting to cry. I cleared my throat noisily, covertly wiping away the tear as I covered my mouth, hoping Kalvin wouldn't notice. If he did, he was too polite to say anything.
"Let me try this again from the top."
I drew a ragged breath.
"You've been a big help, Kalvin, more than I could have ever hoped for when I opened your vial. Your advice has been solid, and if I've been having trouble it's because I didn't listen to it enough."
I paused, trying to organize my thoughts. "I'm not trying to get rid of you... really. I'd like nothing better than to have you stick around at least until I found Aahz. I just don't want to trade on our friendship. I got your services in a straightforward business deal... one you had no say in, if your account of how Djinger works is accurate. If I sounded a bit cold when I told you I thought our contract was complete, it's because I was fighting against begging you to stay. I was afraid that if I did, it would put you in a bad position... actually, it would put me in a bad position. If I made a big appeal to you and you said no, it would leave us both feeling pretty bad at the end of what otherwise has been a mutually beneficial association. The only thing I could think of that would be worse would be if you agreed to stay out of pity. Then I'd feel guilty as long as you were around, knowing all the while that you could and should be going about your own business, and would be if I weren't so weak that I can't handle a simple task by myself."
The tears were ru
It occurred to me I was starting to ramble. Making a feeble pass at my tear-streaked face with my sleeve, I forced a smile.
"Anyway, I can't see imposing on you, either as a friend or a business associate, just to hold my hand in troubled times. That doesn't mean I'm not grateful for what you've done or that I'm trying to get rid of you. I'd appreciate it if you stuck around but I don't think I have any right to ask you to."
Having run out of things to say, I finished with a half hearted shrug. Strangely enough, after bearing my soul and clearing my mind of the things which had been troubling me, I felt worlds better.
"Are you through?"
Kalvin was still hovering patiently with his arms folded. Perhaps it was my imagination, but there seemed to be a terse edge to his voice.
"I guess so. Sorry for ru
"No problem. Just as long as I get my i
"I
"A figure of speech," he waved. "In this case, it means it's my turn to talk and your turn to listen. I've tried before, but it seems like every time I start, we get interrupted... or you get drunk."
I grimaced at the memory.
"I didn't mean to get drunk. It's just that I've never..."
"Hey! Remember? It's my turn," the Djin broke in. "I want to say... just a second."
He made a sweeping gesture with his hand and... grew!
Suddenly he was the same size I was.
"There, that's better!" he said, dusting his hands to gether. "It'll be a littler harder to overlook me now." I was about to ask for a full accounting of his "meager" powers, but his last comment had stung me.
"I'm sorry, Kalvin. I didn't mean to..."
"Save it!" he ordered, waving his hand. "Right now it's my turn. There'll be lots of time later for you to wallow in guilt. If not, I'm sure you'll make the time." That had a nasty sound to it, but I subsided and gestured for him to continue.
"Okay," he said, "first, last, and in between, you're wrong, Skeeve. It's hard for me to believe such a right guy can be so wrong."
It occurred to me that I had already admitted my confidence in my perception of right and wrong was at an all time low. I didn't verbalize it, though. Kalvin had said he wanted a chance to have his say, and I was going to do my best to not interrupt. I owed him that much.
"Ever since we met, you've been talking about right and wrong as if they were absolutes. According to you, things are either right or they're wrong... period. ‘Was Aahz right to leave?'... Are you wrong to try to bring him back?... Well, my young friend, life isn't that simple. Not only are you old enough to know that, you'd better learn it before you drive yourself and everyone around you absolutely crazy!"
He began to float back and forth in the air in front of me with his hands clasped behind his back. I supposed it was his equivalent of pacing.
"It's possible for you, or anyone else to not be right and still not be wrong, just as you can be right from a business standpoint, but wrong from a humanitarian viewpoint. The worlds are complex, and people are a hopeless tangle of contradictions. Conditions change not only from situation to situation and person to person, but from moment to moment as well. Trying to kid yourself that there's some master key to what's right and wrong is ridiculous... worse than that, it's dangerous, because you'll always end up feeling incompetent and inadequate when it eludes you."
Even though I was having trouble grasping what he was saying, that last part rang a bell. It described with uncomfortable accuracy how I felt about myself more often than not! I tried to listen more closely.
"You've got to accept that life is complicated and often frustrating. What's right for you may not be right for Aahz. There are even times when there is no right answer... just the least objectionable of several bad choices. Recognize that, then don't waste time and energy wondering why it is or railing that it's unfair... accept it."
"I... I'll try," I said "but it's not easy."
"Of course it's not easy!" the Djin shot back. "Who ever said it was easy? Nothing's easy. Sometimes it's less difficult than at other times, but it's never easy. Part of your problem is that you keep thinking things should be easy, so you assume the easy way is the right way. Case in point: