Phule Me Twice

Before Harry could complete the sentence, the door burst open again, and in came Je

"Honey, this is some serious shit goin' down," said Chocolate Harry with a wink. "I can't tell you nothin' now, but you come talk to me when it's over, and I'll tell you stuff make your hair curl."

"Her hair already curling," said Tusk-anini, looking up from his book.

Lieutenant Snipe raised his voice. "I want this area cleared at once," he shouted. "The major has put the base on full alert status-"

"He didn't do that," interrupted Tusk-anini. "You do that, just a few minutes ago."

"Can I get your statement?" said Je

"Yo, Je

"That's not true!" said Snipe, his voice going up an octave. "I have reports from the front line-"

He was interrupted again as the door swung open and a new voice boomed out, "Hi, it looks as if I've finally found the party!" It was Phule, wearing a perfectly tailored tuxedo and holding a martini glass in one hand.

"Cap'n!" said Chocolate Harry. "I thought you was goin'-"

"Change of plans," said Phule with a wink. "You know, there's very little in life that's so important that a fellow can't afford to stop and smell the roses, is there?"

"Captain, I have reason to believe that this base is under attack!" said Lieutenant Snipe. "If I could get the comm center clear of unauthorized perso

Je

Snipe tried again, a little bit louder. "All unauthorized perso

"Oh, man, will you get off that jive?"

"Tgfrblt..."

"I don't know about you, but I'm going to go attack the free lunch buffet over by the dollar slots. It's the best deal in the casino!"

"Captain, can you confirm or deny the rumor?"

"Tgfrblt!"

"I'm calling Security right now, do you hear me?"

"Who you calling Security?"

"Come on, let's go see the action at the roulette tables!"

"Will everybody please shut up for one freaking minute?" The voice booming through the loudspeaker behind the comm console made everyone in the room jump and turn to look. There was Mother, standing at the console with a mike in her hand, glaring at the room. Suddenly realizing that six pairs of eyes and one Galaxy-wide network holocam were pointing at her, she gave a little shriek and ducked back behind the console almost as if someone had grabbed the collar of her jumpsuit and yanked her down.

In the silence came Phule's voice: "Well, time to go see about that free lunch," and before anyone could respond, he was out the door. Not that anyone was paying particular attention to anything except Mother's uncharacteristic outburst.

"Uh, did you wa

"She say it already, but people weren't listening," said Tusk-anini, shrugging. "Now it too late."

"Too late for what?" said Lieutenant Snipe, making one more try to control the rapidly deteriorating situation.

"Yes, too late for what?" said Phule, slipping quietly into the room. He was wearing a legion jumpsuit that, for the first time in anyone's memory, seemed not to have been cleaned and pressed within the last twenty-four hours.

"Cap'n!" said Chocolate Harry. He stared for a moment, then shook his head. "That's two of the fastest clothes changes I've ever seen, dude. You go

"Oh, good, you back," said Tusk-anini. "Mother have message for you from Beeker, but she thought you gone already."

"From Beeker!" said Phule, surprise on his face. He lifted up his communicator and pressed a button. "If Beeker's breaking comm silence, it's got to be a serious emergency. Patch him through on a secure cha

Silence reigned in Comm Central as everyone present strained to hear what Beeker was saying, but with Phule holding his wrist communicator inches from his ear, only an undifferentiated buzz was audible.

Phule's replies were singularly unhelpful: "Yes?" "Really!" "I'll get someone on that at once," and "Good man, Beeker!"

When he lowered the communicator, every pair of eyes in the room was staring at him. He looked back at them and gri

It was Chocolate Harry who broke the silence. "Man, he flies lower than any dude I ever seen." Then he shook his head and turned to Mother. "That reminds me. Orders from the Cap'n-he didn't say nothin' to change 'em, so get this out to all perso

"Excuse me, Sergeant," said Lieutenant Snipe. "We are in an emergency situation, and I am the OD. I am responsible for all communications until further notice."

Chocolate Harry stared at him for a long moment. "Dude, you just got further notice. Mother, send this out, and if any jive-ass Lieutenant wants to put his mark on it, he's go

"Chocolate Harry right," said Tusk-anini, and he folded his arms, adding his stare to Chocolate Harry's. After a moment, Snipe blinked. He stood up hastily and made a rapid exit from Comm Central. Nobody watching had any doubt where he was going, but nobody bothered to stop him. The only question was whether he and the major had any way to stop them.

"Hey, Brandy, is this a drill or not?" said one of the legio

"You think I'm out here trying to get a date?" said Brandy. "All I know is, if this ain't a drill, some nasty BEM's likely to hear you jawin' and put a laser hole through your butt. And if the BEM don't do it, you got a top sergeant right here that'll kick it halfway back to Lorelei. Either way, you lose. So maybe you ought to act like it's the real thing and keep your mouth shut."

"Aw, gimme a break, Brandy," said the legio

After an indeterminate length of time, Brandy's wrist communicator buzzed. She sighed and reached out to touch the miniature control that would let her hear the incoming message, undoubtedly the recall signal, ending tonight's drill. Another pointless exercise. That seemed to be Major Botchup's stock in trade. At least Captain Jester's exercises usually had some objective she could understand. It wasn't until she realized that she had also heard the buzz from all the other communicators within earshot that she began to wonder whether this might be something other than an ordinary drill, after all.