Ecstasy

Eli

Friday evening, before we’re all leaving to head to the coast for the beach party, Alex is chugging back a protein shake. Tonight is the last game he has to sit out and I know he’s itching to get back on the field.

I know, because his temper has been worse than usual lately. There was the shattered bottles last weekend. The hole in the wall on the staircase when he got back home because of Grove Beach news covering his Dad’s affair. The raging death metal coming from his room.

I’ve avoided this place most of the week, even though it’s my house.

I’ve spent a lot of nights driving, windows down, my own music up. Driving and forgetting. Or trying to.

I didn’t go to that appointment.

I don’t need to see the psychiatrist anymore.

At night, when it’s quiet, when Alex has finally worn himself out, I stay up until I just can’t anymore, scrolling through all the cars for sale in this area. In the mountains, too. I wouldn’t mind moving there after graduation. Opening up a shop.

“You coming?” Alex asks me, rinsing his protein shaker off in the sink as I fill a glass up with water from the fridge.

“Yeah.” I flip the tab on the water dispenser, shut the fridge door and lean back against it. Alex shakes out his blender, sets it on the dish rack to dry. Then he turns to face me, hands on the counter behind him.

“I’m bringing Zara.”

I assumed he would, but I just take another drink of water, glance beyond him, at the darkness outside, broken up only by the underwater lights of the pool. “You two back together?” I don’t look at him while I ask it.

He clears his throat. “Not quite.”

I don’t exhale that sigh of relief I want to. “Why’s that?” I ask instead, still staring at the pool. Thinking of Zara’s fingertips against the glass of the door that leads outside, my hand over her mouth.

Thinking of her coming downstairs after that fight with Alex. How she grabbed a knife from the block, and I thought she was going to destroy the furniture or something. I thought she was going to tear some shit apart.

I didn’t think it was going to be herself.

He has no idea.

He doesn’t know her.

“She cheated on me,” Alex answers me.

No shit. I don’t say anything. People are strange about sexuality. It’s not human nature to be monogamous.

If I had known, I could’ve told Dad that.

I could’ve told him to let Mom breathe. Could’ve told him she felt alone, staying at home. Not working. Being a dutiful wife. Loving mother. Blah, blah, blah. Some women are born for that. Maybe some men, too.

But my mother wasn’t.

It’s why she left. It’s why she almost killed me.

“I can’t just let that go,” Alex continues.

I think about him slamming her against the kitchen island, the bottles that scattered around her body. I think about his hand on her chest as he opened the tequila bottle with his teeth.

My eyes flick to his. “Did you let it go?” I ask him, my tone plain.

His brows shoot up. “What are you—”

“You caused a big fucking scene a few weeks ago, Alex.” I shake my head and set down my glass on the counter. “Whatever, man. Do what you want. But don’t expect her to be faithful to you if you aren’t really together.”

He snorts. “Well she wasn’t when we were together, so what fucking difference does it make?”

I turn to look at him, his jaw clenched, brown eyes hard on mine. You are a dumb fuck. And this is exactly why I don’t want to be a lawyer. They might be book smart, but when it comes to common sense, they’re terrifyingly short on that shit. My dad is example number one.

“It doesn’t. Do what you want.” I start to head down the hall, but he calls my name at my back and I stop, waiting.

“You like her, Eli?”

Huh. Maybe he’s not that dumb. Either way, I don’t answer him. I just walk out, up the stairs, and to my room. I need a shower after wrestling practice today. I need to get Zara Henderson out of my head.

This is not going to end well for one of us. Logically, I know that. But the thing about logic is that it has no effect on the heart at all.

That’s very clear with Alex. He doesn’t understand her.

She just likes things.

She just wants to experience the world.

Like Mom did.

I could give her that freedom.

Alex would never be able to.

Still. This isn’t going to end well for one of us.