Ecstasy

“Remember that night, against the counter. You came down to the kitchen.”

My chest is tight. My hands clench into fists, and I feel a shiver start down my spine, trail to my knees, making them tremble. And I hold my breath. I hold my breath as I wait for him to say it. To say what I don’t want to know.

But he doesn’t say anything.

He’s silent.

“You can stay,” he adds quietly. “If you want. You can stay.”

“Why do you want me?” I ask him instead, not wanting to talk about sleepwalking. “Is this just a game to you, Eli? What are we fucking doing?”

More silence. I want to turn around and face him. I want to ask him if it hurts, knowing I fucked Alex. I want to ask him what he wants from me.

But it’s his turn to speak. Not mine.

Yet when he does, I almost wish he hadn’t. I almost wish I had kept my fucking mouth shut.

“Why do you want me, Zara?”

Shame washes over me in a hot, uncomfortable wave, replacing the fear. The dread. The shiver. My hands feel clammy, my heart is racing too fast. Uncomfortably fast. I need water. That’s probably why I came here. That’s probably what I was looking for.

Water.

“Why do you want me, Zara?”

Because I can’t have you? Because you’re taboo? My ex’s best friend? Because you see me? Because you pulled me out of the very same pool you held me down in?

I shake my head, crossing my arms over my chest. I need to get back to Alex’s room. I need to let this shit go.

I take another step, but then Eli says, so softly I almost don’t hear it over the creak of the floor and the pounding of my own heart, “Wait.”

I turn to face him. I watch him grab a glass of water from his nightstand, beside a model car, a flash of white in the dark room.

He closes the space between us and hands me the water. I just stare at it for a moment, and he says, “MDMA is dehydrating. It also disturbs sleep, if you do too much of it.” He sounds like he’s memorized a PSA pamphlet or something. “It can make you sleepwalk.”

I glare up at him, still not taking the water. Dread tightens my stomach again like a closed fist squeezing my guts. “Are you suggesting that I have a problem?”

From the light of his laptop screen, I see the corner of his mouth curve up into a lopsided smile. “We both know you have a problem. I’m just giving you information.”

I glare up at him a moment longer then turn on my heel, leaving him and his stupid fucking water.