Ecstasy

“Princess,” he whispers, pressing his brow to mine. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

I force a smile, slide my hands down his back. “I know, handsome.”

He softens, his shoulders relaxing as he sinks closer to me, gripping my hips. “I love you, Zara Rose.”

“I love you, too, Alex Christian.”

And I do.

I love him.

I just think a part of me died with Eli in that pool, too. A part of me that was wild and reckless and a little insane. A little off. That part of me died and I’m not so sure I don’t sometimes want her back.

Sometimes, I just want to go off the fucking rails again.

As happy as I am with my life, with my husband, with the community we’ve put together in the same town he grew up in, with his mom nearby, and mine coming every other weekend, and Kylie and Ian working as pharmacists at the clinic just up the street, as much as I love this life, sometimes I just want to go a little fucking wild.

And I think only Eli would understand that.

My heart aches a little, imagining it. Imagining if I had gotten clean, if Eli had gotten counseling. If we had put our crazy together for good instead of evil. Instead of a way to pass the time. To entertain ourselves.

What would we have been, then?

One single decision changed my fate. Picking up that net and jumping into that water, not letting him drown Alex.

That changed my whole life.

For the better.

Definitely for the better, because this man in front of me is everything.

But there’s always that voice in the back of my head.

“I cancelled on my mom,” Alex says, jarring me back to the present. His eyes are searching mine. “I thought we’d go to the boardwalk, then see a movie?”

It’s summer, and the boardwalk is always crowded on Friday nights, but it’s kind of nice. I’ve gotten used to being in crowds without being on something. It’s like I can just disappear in them.

And with Alex’s arm around me, I never feel awkward or strange like I used to as a teenager. I just feel loved.

I just wish that was enough.

I wish feeling loved was enough to tame my fucking restless soul.

But I just have to get through that one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute.

Maybe one day I’ll stop thinking about him.

Maybe one day I won’t be in love with a ghost.

“That sounds perfect,” I lie to Alex. “That sounds like an amazing night.”

He kisses me again and I feel my phone buzz in my back pocket. After we’re done losing ourselves in each other on the counter in our gym, I read my text as Alex heads to the bathroom.

Jax: I’M OUT, ZA!

I bite my tongue, holding back my smile as another text comes through from Jax.

Him: I’ve got some good shit. You still down at the coast? I can come over.

I glance over my shoulder, toward the hallway Alex disappeared down. Jax spent two years in prison for possession with intent to distribute, but it seems like he’s ready to get back in the saddle.

I send him a heart, think of all the ways he touched mine. Then I block his number and delete his texts from my phone.